DESTRUCTIVE URGE

[xn728]

hey lisa and everybody ,im feeling ok again ,xmas i was fine ,but new years day i was terrible ,,but im back at work and i feel good ,not rubbing
it in of course but i know you will be pleased for me ,,we take the good with the bad ,,,crystalgaze has posted today ,,dazed is around also ,,
monty is posting alittle more to ,,mich is up and around ,thank heavens
so were looking good ,s.hopes is quiet as are a few more of our freinds
crybaby is well she was busy and fairly happy ,,so all in all our majic
must be working ,lots of new people joining ,,lots of old freinds still absent
like a5,,but hpoefully they will return one day ,,,we have times when we really worry about our freinds ,good relations are establised and we look
forward to exchanging thoughts and feelings ,,its a good feeling being part of the forum ,we all play our part ,with our own little individuallity
thats what makes the forum so warm ,,know matter how bad the pain we always manage to find something worth while to say ,ive had the sense
talked back into once all twice by a dear freind ,,and i know how good it feels to have someone close who cares ,,,any way ive gone on enough now ,gonna hit the sack soon ,,keep well my freinds ,tommorrow is ours for the taking ,just save a peice for me ,,,,,,,,hugs ken xxx

[xn728]

TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY AGAIN ,even though i feel ok the visitor is still
with me good times or bad its still at my side ,its hands are ever present now ,,somes before they would not be visible ,,just enpty sleeves in the
faceless dark shroud ,,why would it s hand suddenly be visible ,its worrying ,that these may be new weapons for it to destroy me with ,i can
talk openly here about this ,with ease and without fear of being called crazy ,or someone telling me i needed to be exercorsised,,,it must be strange for you to hear these things ,,this is not an imagenitive thing to me ,its as real as i am ,i can see it clearly ,whilst shopping ,in the house
at my bedside ,everywere ,,im not crazy ,this is my depression ,
visible and powerful ,menacing and threatening ,without words it watches
me and plots my demise ,,not on this earth though no ,it will punish me here thats for sure ,but we will walk together into the next place ,and carry on ,this battle ,my life here belongs to fran and bridget ,and shelley
so here im safe ,much pain i have yet to feel in this life ,but it cannot push me to end this life ,it does not have that power ,maybe the fact that i seem to know whats coming ,gives me the strentgh to carry on ,so when
i talk of death ,and not being able to carry on ,its the pain talking ,i need to vent sometimes ,,but my dear freinds im still here ,51 years and still
counting ,we all stand together in this dark fight ,,,and walking this road
with all of you my dear freinds is a great comfort ,so many years i walked alone ,and now we are many ,,,,,,,safety in numbers hugs ken xxx

TOMMORROW WILL BE A GOOD DAY ,,,MAKE IT ! TAKE IT

[xn728]

It drifted in slowly ,like a tide of time itself ,,first i felt a little cold and later in the morning ,just a few tears hidden behind my eyes ,so fran could not see ,,then an over whelming feeling of sadness ,,oh no ,not pain that the visitor brings to me ,,this is differant ,,i feel so much sadness and
a lonely desolation ,,alone like never before ,,and phyhicly cold ,,
i cant feel warm ,,im alone ,i feel like the world has left me and moved on
without me its frightening . im afraid the visitor has finally won my soul
and today it has collect its trophy,,,i still have my yppah but i sense a
great feeling of loss,,,,,,,,,,i hope your safe my freinds im confused ,,
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hugs ken xxx

[Mich]

I am stoking the fire for you Ken so that you may warm up. I am sitting next to it for I am also very cold. I know this sadness and lonely desolation that you speak of. I pray that it leaves you soon.

[xn728]

SO MANY THANKS MICH ,BUT TRUTH IS IM FRIGHTENED ,the visitor does many things to hurt me ,but this is not the pain im used to fighting
this is like dying ,but in limbo ,between ,worlds i dont know ,,,
ive never felt anything like it ,,i feel very tearful and a great sadness hangs heavy in my heart ,i feel ilke ive lost something ,no pain just great
emptiness ,almost as if something bad is gonna happen ,,,i know i said i wouldent ,but i may have to take two diazapam,i can stand this horrible
feeling ,i do know its just a feeling ,but unlike when its pain i dont know how to fight it ,,all i can do is hide away ,,,,hugs ken xxx

[xn728]

i woke up feeling really miserable this morning and i feared the worst ,the
feeling of utter loss is still with me ,but not as bad ,,i did realise i lost dennis this time last year ,,a lovely albino ferret,,,maybe this is my secret sadness ,he may only have been a small furry creature ,but i love my ferrets ,,theyto are my freinds ,,and i love them dearly they to have seen me cry and they have seen me under the full influense of the visitor ,,but they are good listeners and they never complain ,,and you know ,im sure they understand ,so so the loss of dennis was a gret blow ,,
anyway i hope your keeping ok my dear freinds ,,its very cold here and very grey ,i think that is getting me down a bit to ,,,but im still feeling my yapph,,and im still chatting to you so i must be doing alright ,,,,,be careful today ,,the 13 th ,,,hope to chat later ,,,hugs ken xxxx

[Mich]

The loss of a loved pet is very tragic and perhaps this is why you are feeling miserable this morning. Try to take comfort with your other ferrets....perhaps play with them extra long today and let them bring you joy.

[xn728]

HELLO MICH ,,nice to hear you again ,,yes your right about the pets i do get very attached to the little gritters ,,ive taken my daughter tom cat to the vet this morning to have his ,,wotsits off ,,and it was in the same room as i had dennis put to sleep in ,so that upset me a little ,,but dennis like all our pets is buried in the garden at home here ,,so while i walk the other three i,ll have a little chat to him tonight ,,and tell him how much i miss him .,,,ok getting a bit tearful now ,,,ill speak again soon mich
you take great care of yourself my dear freind ,, you and another dear freind are at the top of my worry list just now ,,,,so stay safe hugs ken xxx

[xn728]

I do fear something more than the visitor ,,never much talk about it but always think ,,always there digging at me ,,it was about 5 years ago took me down on the landing ,gasping for air ,,shot trough the chest with what felt like a large arrow ,,pinned to the wall clutching ,that fast beating heart
the look of horror on frans face ,,,the ambulance and the feeling of being helpless ,,was i fading away ,,would the blow hit me again and darkness
follow , all the machines around the bed ,telling me this was a big event ,
faces all around ,tears falling on the bed ,not wanting to let go that warm hand that held mine ,,so much alive moments ago ,so weak and confused
a man that had been so active ,stoped in his tracks ,and made to feel like a helpless baby ,,,depression didnt matter then ,,no a new enemy now ,
a few days and a few tears ,,,more tests ,more holding hands ,,results
a warning ,, time to think ,,,yes you did this didnt you my visitor ,the strain you put me under ,nearly made my heart break ,,,,
5 years on ,,the visitor still has me ,,,i hope i never feel that pain again
its something no /one should ever feel ,,,,hugs ken xxxx

[xn728]

I hate posting this stuff,i feel like ive let everyone down ,im sorry to say this ,but i wish i could just shut down ,the feelings ive had over the last week have been grinding me down ,i wanted to be strong for a special freind ,but ive broken that promise to ,sorry ,i worry so much about you all,i worry im going to lose you all somehow. im tired of this life ,this twisted existanse i get rid of one worry ,then my brain invents another,
i sit and think them all through,and talk about them in my mind ,sorting
them out and then ,think see your just being silly ,,,and then i wake to another silly thought drilling away at my brain ,,i can reach out to you
and talk to you ,trying to make you see reason when your feeling down
but truth is i cant reason with myself ,,i cant reach in and make you better
to take your pain and leave you feeling free of those demons ,i thought i could make a differance in some way ,but all i see is pain ,the same pain i feel everyday ,the pain i manage to keep at bay ,,but your pain i cant manage and keep at bay ,,and that why i feel hopeless, so when i reach out to you i can only see the tips of your fingers stretching out in the darkness,and try as i may i cant hold your hands and give you the support you need and this cause,s me great pain ,like when you have that
dream the one were your fighting someone ,but your arms only move in slow motion,,yes you know the one ,,the forum means a great deal to me
but when i feel like this ,i still feel so alone ,,i am out here with this dark creature its here with me as ever,i have your names in my mind my dear freinds ,but i also have extremely dark things in there to ,,and even when i feel ok ,they still work in my mind ,like the moon on a clear cold night
half light .half in darkness ,but the darkness in my mind is nearly complete
and only a little light exists ,struggling to carry on living in this world of pain and torment and even though i hate writing my pain here i must tell you that right now i feel a great torment ,everything hurts ,,ive felt so down over the last few days ,i felt suicide, loneliness,confused,emotionless
and right now i just feel so bloody helpless and alone and no use to anyone As you may or may not know i am an only child and i feel very,,,,ONLY,, and im so damn sorry to you all,,,,,,,,,,,,,hugs kenxxx

[darklight32]

xn728, it seems your having trouble, just talk to a stranger about your feelings it helps a little. Endure, like me, i have these urges where I just do whatever i want to do, anything as long it soothes the pain to lessen it, but some part of wants to be expressed but i repress it..............................a little poem.......
Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to,
Hello...If I smile and don't believe,
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream,
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken,
Hello, I'm the lie, living for you so you can hide,
Don´t cry...
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping,
Hello, I'm still here,
All that's left of yesterday...

Just so you know, i beginning to walk in the darkness, keeping the sanity that I have within my grip, well be yourself now.

[xn728]

Sorry my freind my life is no dream ,and my deppression is as real as i am, sorry ,, xn728

[xn728]

myself and fran went shopping this morning ,,she kept looking at me but said nothing ,,i was doing my best to look ok ,,but i knew i wasnt doing a good job ,,having returned home ,,she ask me how i felt ,,and said i look
old my complextionis grey ,,and she thinks shes losing me slowly but surely ,,this i found devastating ,,i feel ilke i have failed her ,,she needs
me to be strong and my armour is breaking ,,i have failed her ,,and my freinds ,,and myself ,,,i feel so helpless and alone ,and i have knowere to turn to ,,,,sorry ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hugs ken xxx

[xn728]

ive stood in that shop all afternoon ,trying to clear my head ,yet again once more to find the strentgh to carry on ,,hometime came and i returned home ,i found the same old back door ,,and the same pokey
little cuboard,were my laptop chargers while im away ,,i sit with fran ,while we eat tea ,and i feel sad ,she feels she is losing me ,by
stelth the visitor takes me little by little ,as i sit here now ,i know that
tommorrow will be no differant ,,i come here looking for hope and a little
comfort,i see the pain ,and i feel that feeling of failure,,its not that i dont care ,,its just i cant bear to see it with my eyes once more at least when i was alone in the darkness i had only to carry the burden of my own pain .its seems i can do nothing to help anymore and each time i feel like this the need to self destruct grows stronger,,,i dont know if this mood will lift ,,right now ive given up ,,and dont care what becomes of me , And the strength i look for now is the strength to walk away ,, stay safe hugs
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ken xxx

[Mich]

Please don't say you have been a failure. You have been a wonderful husband, father and friend....and you will fight....and you will continue to be these things. The darkness may have you now but look hard and you will see some light here; a light burning just for you. Hold on.