DESTRUCTIVE URGE

[xn728]

im getting nowere am i ,this has lasted 9 days now ,and im so weak ,i dont know what to do next ,i cant take a lot more i know that ,all my
life ive had this ,but never for this length of time ,im frightened now
that this is what its going to be like the rest of my life ,if this was the case
i know i would go insane ,because im at that piont now ,ive worn my self out trying to put some order back in my thinking ,i can normally go into
the rooms in my mind ,and lay and rest with russ ,for instance ,and then theres the room with the door that i must not go into ,if i go there thats
it over ,but it lets me know ive reach the piont were i must turn back and
return ,but not this time no way out ,just jubled painful thoughts banging
around together and hurting my head inside ,the visitor still has me by the throat ,and still screams in my face ,but no help is to hand ,my ability
to create weapons has left me ,and i dont have much left to stand and
fight with now ,ive never been in a mental hostpital but i fear it might happen soon ,even if i had to have a cry for help to make them stand up and hear me ,why does know one hear me scream ,i hear myself all day
truth is my own love for those around me has robbed me of the help i need so badly .i have know comfort ,even my music bores me ,,,,,xn728

[xn728]

my warrior has gone ,my mind is reaching out for the weapons i need
to fight myself out of this ,constant nightmare ,all i think of is dying ,not that i could ,but the thought hurt ,unhealthy ,my head aches all the time
ive had 10 kapakes today and stiil have h,ache,ive layed down all day today staring into space ,looking for answers in the very blackness that keeps me captave ,to stand and fight i need to become that warrior ,
tommorrow is the 10 day of this blackdeath ,please let me find the
strentgh to become he that i search so hard for ,,,goodnight freinds
each and everyone ,so dear ,,,,,,,,ken

[lisalou]

ken, i am thinking of you and sending you love and healing, i really hope that you get some rest tonight and that in the morning the black death will have receded a little.......

[xn728]

lisa ,in so much pain yourself ,and you reach out to help me ,i hope your pain lifts a little soon as well my freind ,and i hope we can all see xmas with a little joy ,i do want to even though my brain tells me its a bad thing
lets both be better soon lisa stay strong ,and i am trying to get up i am
,,,,,,,,,,,my dear freind thankyou ,,,,,,,,,ken

[Mich]

Ken - I hope you can raise yourself up today....even if for a little while. Your suffering is immense and how I wish I could do something to ease the pain you feel. Please fight those thoughts of death and know that I am with you today.

[xn728]

you did help the pain mich ,when you left this gift here for me to read ,
i do feel better ,i have my sword but the foe has left me ,happened at work ,i realised around 3 pm ,im very tired from feeling that ill ,but im sure i will be ok ,,,you to mich must be strong ,no matter what is thrown at you ,we will all be fine if we stay in touch and free our pain talk about it
i always feel quilty about printing my crap on here ,i feel theres enough pain here without mine ,and i created mine ,but non the less it helps
stay safe mich ,i value your every word ,,,,,,bless you ,,,ken

[xn728]

feeling ok still today ,its been a bad 12 days ,layed down,wished i could
have peice ,stood up ,layed down again, thought i would never get up
then it lifted ,looked at the long road ahead,new i had to carry on ,no chioce,for any of us ,felt a hand slip away ,feel bad , a few days passed
know its gone now ,walked a little further now ,being careful ,thoughtful
feels good ,not getting upset or to worried ,just double checking to make
sure ,posted to shatteredhopes about her hurtful ex ,worried i may have
said something wrong about him ,but im not good at these things ,
had to speak though ,s/hopes so upset ,if i dropped one again it will
finish me ,why do i worry so much abut everything ,the times i go over and over a post or relply ,worring i may have said something upsetting
im not a man ,im just a mouse ,no its fine i feel fine ,but i am ,this
illness has turned me into a wus ,,,like school russ the wus,wus,wus

[crybaby1086]

Ken, don't worry about your posts. Everyone is here to help each other. And sometimes that may mean hearing a hard truth. (If your friends can't tell you the truth who can?) I didn't read the post yet. But I'm sure S/hopes knows your not out to hurt her. You have been nothing but suportive.

[xn728]

im always unsure about peoples love life ,but i felt i had to comment ,its fine as it happens ,thanks for being my strentgh so many times
always glad to see your name ,,,,,,blessings ,,,,ken

[xn728]

todays events have told me what i have suspected for a few weeks now
im not really in control, i say things in a we.ll meaning way ,but i write
them in a way that causes pain ,today i spoke softly and discretely
in public ,because someone had pushed in a queue in front of me and
some other people ,maybe they had just not seen the siqns ,i was torn
apart verbally ,for a good few minutes ,this event has pushed me to far
and now i will hide away from mankind and the world that im sure doesnt
want me in it ,so i will happily walk with head down ,so as not to be noticed, i am very sensative ,as you may or may not know ,and this has
hurt me deeply ,,i dont know if im right or wrong any more ,,
but if i stay out of site maybe the hurt wont find me ,,,
((((let the warmth ,and comforting words from your dear freinds here
,,acompany you were ever you may travel ,safe journey all ken ))))

[blueisgreen]

Oh Ken, I'm so sorry you had a bad interaction today.
Tomorrow will be better.
What astrological sign are you, if you don't
mind me asking?
I wish you peace.

[xn728]

it is your absence that worrys me now ,think of me at your side ,helping
fight that battle ,i get better with each passing day now ,and will be pposting as much as ever soon ,i have missed you and all my dear freinds ,i hope you dont mind me asking crybaby how she is here ,i miss
your kind words also ,thinking of you all ,everyday ,be safe ,,,,,,ken

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((( blueisgreen )))))))))))))))

Know you didn't ask me, but I am under the Cancer the Crab sign. Does that make me bad? LOL

Warmie

[xn728]

yeah thanks for that warmie girl ,i forgot ,well im virgo ,but whats the point you know im bad ,,,,lol ken

[blueisgreen]

I was just curious because water signs are said to be gifted with psychic
abilities and are therefore very sensitive. I wasn't implying that any
sign or any one is bad.