If anyone that doesn't know me get to this post... I guess I should give some background. I'm stage 4 Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I've been hanging around in the chat room for most days that my condition allows me this last months and found the most wonderful people online. To them I write this post, but I hope you can find something you can relate on too.
Last time I was online I told you guys I was going to fight this with all I can. That is still true. And I really think we are all going to have a laugh about me being so dramatic in a few days/weeks
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But still, I wanted to extend on what the chat room and all of you have meant this last months and especially this last weeks. I think one thing cancer does is allowing you to say stuff you would usually keep to yourself. I really don't think it makes you wiser, maybe just less self conscious
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You guys have really been a family to me. I have to confess, I really didn't believe in chat rooms before, I never pictured calling friends some people I never met. Still, you guys are my friends, and maybe know me better that people I spent my whole day with before. I think I would have lost my mind at some point if I wouldn't had found this place. Being so long in the hospital messes up a person's feelings and really can drive you nuts. But you guys have kept me sane, every time I felt lonely I just had to log in.
It's something more though. Part of depression I feel comes from really losing a sense on life, feeling that you have no place or mission, feeling stuck. When I learnt of my diagnosis and learnt I was probably going to spend must of the next months in a hospital I was really afraid I was going to be really depressed. I felt I was losing everywhere I belonged to and where I made a difference, from the big things like my job and my volunteer work to the little things like my soccer team and my MTG group.
The room gave me somewhere to belong. Not just to hang out (which I really enjoy) but to keep doing something, listening to all you guys, being able to help, that's what really made it different. I know its difficult sometimes, and sometimes it really feels like being too tired to do anything. Depression does that, but getting out of yourself and reaching out to somebody, takes some of it away. I can't tell you how many times I actually got to forget what was I living just from reading you and trying to get my mind into "helper mode". I listen to other guys at the onco ward, and listen how much harm self pity does. You really kept me from going to that place.
You guys are all heroes in my book. And any one for that matter that has the courage to go in a place like this and share his story and try to use it to help other people. With the risk of sometimes being triggered or trolled, we still keep coming back. With the risk of sometimes being confronted with our sorrows and fears. That's worth a lot, it is sometimes easier just to let depression take over, but you guys face it every day. We face it together. I will still be rooting for every person that gets in this place to try to cope and get out of what life's throwing them.
I love you guys. I really do with the understanding of what that word means (going to get a little religious here so if you don't like that skip it
). I've been thinking a lot about it last days. Some of you know, I learnt a little hebrew... and maybe love is my favorite hebrew word. It is said "ajava" and what I like about it is the letters that form it. I wont try to explain it because it's just to hard for a foggy mind like mine now. But basically it's supposed to have in itself the energy of all creation and the energy of G-d's power. I really believe love is the greater blessing we have in this earth, either feeling it or receiving it. And everything we create out of love, it's worth it and gives beautiful things. I feel blessed to be able to love you guys and feeling your love.
I don't know. Maybe this cancer gave me the opportunity of grieve and realize how depressed I really was and didn't allowed myself to acknowledge. Don't let yourself get to that point. I hate how easily people dismiss mental illness as something imaginary or something that's just for weak people. I think, if maybe I had taken seriously some things, maybe my body would have not become so weak, vulnerable to developing cancer and have to go through all this to realize things. Maybe if I have tried to reach out sooner, at least I'll have more support in my off-line life to get through this.
But there is no time to stop and regret. Maybe it is so clear to me now but I think we sometimes forget life is all about the present, what is happening in this split second. No point on thinking of all the stuff I have done bad, and G-d knows I have. No point on also feeling proud of things I've done right, that's also in the past. All that's real is the present, this moment, past and future exist only in my mind, our mind. I think it's the only way to really stop being afraid. Stop thinking about the times we have been hurt or we have messed up, stop thinking what may happen, who might hurt us or who we might hurt. Just try to do the things that feel right in the moment, with the best intentions and all our heart.
I think I'm gonna stop writing now. It has been a blessing, being able to write to you guys again. I stop writing also, because as hard as I try, there is no way I can put in words so much of what I'm feeling in this moment. I want you to know, that as bad as it gets and may get worst, I have you all in my heart and your love serves me as a shield and really keeps me strong when I feel like giving up.
So once again my beautiful people, take good care of yourselves. And really, take good care of each other. Respect each other and the wonderful people that mods are. I really hope to see you guys soon, and if that doesn't happen, just know that I'll still be around. You are all precious, believe that, and if it comes a day you can't, just let other people believe it for you until you are ready to bounce back. Help who you can, and let yourself break down and be helped.
Thank you guys, so much... there are no words also that can express all the gratitude I feel.
Love you so much.
Ovzedat
/me hugs you all very tightly and loving
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