Social Outcast
Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2009 11:35 am
It seems that my entire life connecting with people has been my greatest challenge....one that I have failed at so much that I have more or less given up.
I won't sit here and blame anyone for anything...what will it do? but at the same time I will not sit here and say it's all my fault because I have not seen anything in my character that warrants constant rejection.
It started at a young age with my parents. Due to there drug use and inability to deal with there own issues they held me in a spot of responsibility...as an answer for there issues...there scapegoat. I remember trying so hard at such a young age to understand and comprehend what was happening. I even remember being fairly positive at one point in time. When my parents would blame something on me or claim i attributed to there problems I would tell myself "it's ok there just under a lot of stress" or "they probably don't mean that" and I would quickly rebound and do my best to be the best child a parent could wish for....a mindset that is not meant for a child. I never did form a relationship with my parents and have always felt that as if though they were just someone I knew. They never hugged me, never said they loved me, were never there for me, and never seemed to care for my feelings. Eventually over time I gave up. Instead of trying to win there favor through attempting to be perfect I became very active in sports at the youngest age possible. I was under the impression that perhaps my character alone wasn't good enough but if I were to accomplish something they would be proud....much to my dismay...they were not. I was one of the best because of how hard I tried. I won awards, competitions, and gained a lot of recognition in the field of athletics. All for nothing though because they never showed up to sporting events, never told me I did a good job no matter how many awards I won. In my freshman year In high school I broke my ankle...ironically because I was trying to impress them with sports even after 3 years of it being all for not. That's when I gave up.
Meanwhile during all this I grew up with no one. I had no friends and was never accepted anywhere. Everyone was quick to come to me for help or answers but once I had served my purpose i was discarded as nothing. the usual flow of my relationships is that I meet someone, they think I'm great, they use me, then they treat em like I have a plague and are quick to slander me.
I don't understand why I have been given this lot in life but I still wonder daily...how is it that I am so ridiculed and looked at as an enemy and trouble maker when there is no evidence in such claims.
I am writing this simply because I have no where else to write this and I have no one to express my pain to....but I figure what more can I lose...and why should I hide and hold everything in simply because I am scared...no one should be scared to express there inner pains and hurts...that's what this place is for If I remember.
I wrote this more as a way to express a lifelong trouble than anything else...but also as a way to maybe reach out and see if I am not alone.
Has anyone else constantly met rejection there entire life? Does anyone else feel like when they falter in the slightest way it is blown to catastrophic proportions? Does anyone else constantly wonder why they have to suffer alone and be rejected by everyone....knowing that %90 of peoples lives revolve around relationships.
It has left me feeling like this world isn't for me...like somehow along the line I wasn't meant to be a human but rather something lower. I don't know how i am expected too meet the expectations of the world around me while being left to do it alone....its not supposed to work like that.
I don't write this against anyone...there is no merit or gain in such an action and is ultimately a foolish idea that leads to the worsening of ones situations...I just hope that maybe I can find out that I'm not alone as I think...that maybe this isn't really how it is....
Dennis
I won't sit here and blame anyone for anything...what will it do? but at the same time I will not sit here and say it's all my fault because I have not seen anything in my character that warrants constant rejection.
It started at a young age with my parents. Due to there drug use and inability to deal with there own issues they held me in a spot of responsibility...as an answer for there issues...there scapegoat. I remember trying so hard at such a young age to understand and comprehend what was happening. I even remember being fairly positive at one point in time. When my parents would blame something on me or claim i attributed to there problems I would tell myself "it's ok there just under a lot of stress" or "they probably don't mean that" and I would quickly rebound and do my best to be the best child a parent could wish for....a mindset that is not meant for a child. I never did form a relationship with my parents and have always felt that as if though they were just someone I knew. They never hugged me, never said they loved me, were never there for me, and never seemed to care for my feelings. Eventually over time I gave up. Instead of trying to win there favor through attempting to be perfect I became very active in sports at the youngest age possible. I was under the impression that perhaps my character alone wasn't good enough but if I were to accomplish something they would be proud....much to my dismay...they were not. I was one of the best because of how hard I tried. I won awards, competitions, and gained a lot of recognition in the field of athletics. All for nothing though because they never showed up to sporting events, never told me I did a good job no matter how many awards I won. In my freshman year In high school I broke my ankle...ironically because I was trying to impress them with sports even after 3 years of it being all for not. That's when I gave up.
Meanwhile during all this I grew up with no one. I had no friends and was never accepted anywhere. Everyone was quick to come to me for help or answers but once I had served my purpose i was discarded as nothing. the usual flow of my relationships is that I meet someone, they think I'm great, they use me, then they treat em like I have a plague and are quick to slander me.
I don't understand why I have been given this lot in life but I still wonder daily...how is it that I am so ridiculed and looked at as an enemy and trouble maker when there is no evidence in such claims.
I am writing this simply because I have no where else to write this and I have no one to express my pain to....but I figure what more can I lose...and why should I hide and hold everything in simply because I am scared...no one should be scared to express there inner pains and hurts...that's what this place is for If I remember.
I wrote this more as a way to express a lifelong trouble than anything else...but also as a way to maybe reach out and see if I am not alone.
Has anyone else constantly met rejection there entire life? Does anyone else feel like when they falter in the slightest way it is blown to catastrophic proportions? Does anyone else constantly wonder why they have to suffer alone and be rejected by everyone....knowing that %90 of peoples lives revolve around relationships.
It has left me feeling like this world isn't for me...like somehow along the line I wasn't meant to be a human but rather something lower. I don't know how i am expected too meet the expectations of the world around me while being left to do it alone....its not supposed to work like that.
I don't write this against anyone...there is no merit or gain in such an action and is ultimately a foolish idea that leads to the worsening of ones situations...I just hope that maybe I can find out that I'm not alone as I think...that maybe this isn't really how it is....
Dennis