Dying Self (Not Glorification)

[crystalgaze]

I am observing that the only way I get to equilibrium (the middle line) is to suppress myself, which feels like I'm killing/deadening/numbing myself. I wonder if there is another way, though. What do you think?

At the moment I have not found a way to be at the middle line, without there being some kind of problem. I don't know if that is truly possible.
Perhaps, there can be no happiness/peace/equilibrium without some kind of sacrifice?

------------------------- __________________ ==============

The best way I can explain this maybe is with the above illustration. --- is extreme high/happiness/giddiness/hyper/bouncing off the wall type emotion like in the energizer bunny lithium commercials.

___ is where I seem to keep myself together pretty okay. The only issue is that there appears to be a kind of suppression involved. Maybe the suppression I am doing is the typical controlling yourself that society requires. I'm not sure, but it sort of feels wrong if I think about it.

=== is where I will experience sadness & anguish. It is becoming rare, but when it does happen, it's almost as though it makes up for lost time.


##############
I can't be at the high or low line because then I get on people's nerves. They are unusually kind (?) & never say any thing to me about it. (I don't know if they talk about me behind my back, though.)

I have been able to do the middle line a few times recently. Something does feel a little off 'cause I am blocking myself from feeling all emotion, which in my cases are extremes. It is working, but it makes me wonder if I am only jumping from out of the frying pan & into the fire.... I guess only time will tell.

Edit: I had a thought about this & it makes me wonder if this is why I'm so forgetful. I'm not sure, but the forgetfulness started way b4 this event.

[aim]

You really do have wonderful insight into yourself!! And don't think that you are getting on people's nerves ok? You seem like a wonderful person, have some faith in who you are!!!

[crystalgaze]

Alright! I didn't forget my password this time. Yay! That's 1 less hurdle.

Thank you Amy. I don't think I'm so bad after all, but when I say I get on people's nerves, it's a little true.....

What I mean is sometimes I will really just talk my head off for hours on end if I'm not careful or don't practice some self-restraint. I love the few people that don't mind what I am & I don't want to turn them off from me because of how hyper/excited (almost for no reason) I can be at times.

Maybe I'm just happy to have a friend or two. I don't know. I'm almost like that super excited kid in class that wants the teacher to pick her to give the answer.....

I've had a failed relationship (gf/bf situation) because of it & my one friend actually started avoiding me. He was just too nice to say it. Just recently, I sort of left & didn't message him or any thing while I tried to get myself together. I came back & we spoke & when I told him why I left (to stop bouncing off the walls all the time), he agreed that I was bouncing off the walls a bit & was glad that I managed to get it under wraps a little better.

It's sad that sometimes people won't tell you these sort of things & unless you're extremely insightful like I try to be, you won't grow as a person & make any progress.

I just have to remind myself to SLOW DOWN a little. I used to have racing thoughts that were so quick I couldn't even put them on paper. Now I've caught up to them & my thoughts don't exactly race like in NASCAR, but somehow, I'm running that marathon like I've got special jet shoes or something.....

People aren't really going any where so soon to the point that I have to rush to get every thing out so quickly. It ends up overwhelming others & then they don't really want to bother with you.

I don't really care what people think, especially if I know I am together, but I try to take hints from people when they will give me some, so I can improve & be even prouder than I am of myself.

~lol~ & that was long! Oh dear!

[aim]

Hi again, gaze

I think the important thing to remember, whether it be in a loving relationship or a friendship, is to find the person who accepts and loves you for exactly who you are. Your talking is part of the person that you really are - why worry about changing it? You seem like a great person... don't let anyone change you, ok?

People will come along who think you are pretty-freakin-fantastic just as you are. We all have things in ourselves that we see as flaws. The right person will see them as endearing instead.

[crystalgaze]

I thought a lot about what you said & I think you're right. ^_^ They're just really not my friends. That's okay. From 2 back to 0, there is still hope yet.

[aim]

Gaze - I'm not saying they are not your friends! They don't say anything to make you think you are annoying them - so what makes you think that you are? You think they are talking about you behind your back... why? Perhaps they enjoy your conversation? We certainly enjoy your posts here!!!

I'm glad you say there is still hope... but I hope that you don't give up on people because you think they might be annoyed by you - I'm sure that's not the case at all.

((((Gaze)))))

[crystalgaze]

Hey there Amy! No, I didn't think that's what you meant.

There are other reasons I believe they are not my friends. It's the total overall picture.

I'm not searching for perfectionism in others or myself, but when I think about it, there's something that's just not right.

The best example I could give is that the relationships, if I can even call them that, are 1-sided mostly. There's always some cop out/excuse with whatever it is. (e.g. They're so busy or if I don't email, then that's where it stops.)

I even tested them with instant messaging. When I log on, they almost immediately go into away/busy mode & I've done this several times now at different times of day on different days for at least about a month. I've even done the test to the point that I will go in inviisible mode where it looks like I'm offline & shortly thereafter, yup they're online/available again.

It's that + other things that really have me thinking what I am thinking. I tell ya Amy.... it's ODD (& my patience has worn thin with the bull).

They are also friends with someone I don't get along with or who could be called my enemy, so I'm not sure whether there could really be any real allegiance there.

[Mich]

Crystalgaze - I just want to say that I really enjoy your posts here. You have great insight to yourself and you also provide really excellent feedback to others. I think you are great just the way you are.

[crystalgaze]

Thank you Mich. I try.... & I really hope that it may help someone in some way. Sometimes I'm not so good or even know what to do with people, but I try with my words.

I guess I'm thinking that if I keep looking at myself, some good will come of it somehow. Maybe it'll help me keep my feet on the ground & my arms clinging/attached to the Earth. (If I feel attached, then maybe it'll give me something to look forward to every day? ~shrugs~ I'm not sure.)

About 10 years ago, I kept losing pieces of myself (whatever that was) & didn't know what to do back then. I still don't really know what to do but I'm just hoping that if I continue to do this, I won't go back there.

I figure if I have myself, just at least that, I can work out the rest over time.

Oh yes & ((((((((aim)))))))) + ((((((((Mich)))))))).


Edit~10-01-2009 around 2:30AM: Alright... So I went online today about an hour or 2 ago. I go & greet my friend, just to say a simple hi..... Next thing I know he's like you haven't been online in a good while what ya been up to? We spoke it was okay. I can't gauge my 'friends'..... He was sick, though, so maybe that's why I didn't get any funky vibes. On the 1 hand, I'm wanted, but then again, I get persona non grata type vibes.... I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that....

The relationships are hard because my current 'friends' are all a little younger than I am; I am 25 & they're 20, so it's a hard call.....

[aim]

Gaze, I really think that sometimes our own self-esteem issues affect the way we perceive how people see us, ya know what I mean? Could it be your own self-doubts that you are feeling instead of what you think others are feeling?

And they so say that the more you pull away sometimes, the more someone gravitates towards you...

((((Gaze))))

[crystalgaze]

I think part of it is self & the other part is perceptions, due to actions.

I will tell you more of the story about the guy..... You see.... it's an especially touchy situation because he has a girlfriend. He & I probably talk more than he & his girlfriend talk. We like similar things, have a great time laughing, talking technology & electronics, video games, etc.

Personally, I think that's what the problem is. I have stepped back because I don't believe I should talk to him more than he talks to his girlfriend. There need not be a closeness that exceeds their relationship. (Boundaries are hard.... I usually don't know what to do with these sorts of things.)

If he starts to like me for just a little bit, then that's an issue because he loves his girlfriend. & I certainly don't want to come between the two of them. He is "good people". I would sing at his wedding. I respect my friend & his relationship with his significant other that much.

There may be some other stuff that he's going through but doesn't want to talk about it. I just sort of have to go with the flow & try to be there in case he wants to talk or whatever. I'm just meeting him where he seems to be & with what he seems to want, based on what I see.

I am taking that time to better myself & to not be very dependent or attached. Strength is all I need for now.

Around the same time, I spoke with him, one of my gal pals emailed me, which I was so surprised about because I can't really figure her out yet.

I often don't know what people are thinking. I just get a feeling, based on how they behave, what they write.... My interpretation could very well be wrong, but I usually find a way to test it.

I think I'm pretty alright, but often what comes into play is: Do I & the other person involved want the same things? Do we even know what we want? ???

I pull away because I will not be hurt yet again by something like this. When I get hurt, I will be risking way too much (possibly my mental state like what happened with the ex-boyfriend, although that was a little different than this situation). Knowing this, I am just making sure to preserve myself, to make sure I come 1st. Like my hyper-ness, I can be very passionate & I have to make sure I keep that under control....

Edit: I forgot to add that I have been managing to achieve the middle line without feeling I am suppressing myself. I don't know how it's happening, though, so of course, I'm glad.

[aim]

Gaze - you are treading somewhat dangerous territory with this man! He seems to be confused about his feelings for you and his girlfriend, huh? I understand that you are just friends, but I have to tell you... my fiance and I were just friends at first too. A good, solid, supportive friendship is what a loving relationship is all about, and you seem to have that with him, huh? Does he ever talk of leaving his girlfriend?

I understand that you respect the union he has with her, but please do not ever forget to take of YOU first and foremost, ok? Does it hurt you at all to be around him? I'm not suggesting you not be friends with him anymore, don't get me wrong, but just be very very very careful with your heart, ok? He sounds amazingly confused about what he wants... don't be caught in that crossfire.

[crystalgaze]

You see what it is now. It's not necessarily me low self-esteeming, although I have had that problem before & tried to really battle it down to nothingness.

When I said, he & I talk more than he & his girlfriend talk, it's really that their relationship is strained, but they love each other. It's a sort of parents don't approve sort of thing & a secret love of their part. They want to make something of themselves but are taking different paths to do it, which results in them being apart & not talking as much.

I have no idea how he feels about me. I don't think he likes me "like that" any way, though. ~lol~ A lot of guys usually see me as "one of the guys", so love doesn't usually creep in there. I don't usually have to deal with the issue of sex coming up either because I am often seen/treated as a sister & the guy does this thing in his head, where he's like, "If I did this, it'd be like having sex with my sister..... Ugh! WTF!" So I really don't have too much to worry about in that regard.

At the moment, I might have a bit of a slightly unconventional look, so guys don't usually come my way, which is fine by me. To be blunt, I may have a "boyish/guyish" look/edge to me that many man dem cannot deal with at all. (Oh... Um... My dialect slipped in there. ) You see how cancer patients look when they have lost their hair or shave their head because they are losing their hair, that is how I look, except it is a look I am choosing.

When I go back to exercising (seriously), I will probably look even more boyish/guyish (by society's standards) than I already do because I want to have lots of muscle & be strong. (I wouldn't mind looking like Venus or Serena Williams.) I used to love lifting weights (dumbbells) back in the day. I would go & lift weights in a gym, but I cannot use gym machines.

(Whenever I use them, regardless of what exercise I'm doing or even my fitness level, I almost always feel like I will die. I have never been able to figure it out, regardless of how lightly & gently, I do it (using proper form + even without weights).

One day, I might still try to lift weights, but I'd need a trainer I could trust for that. Shoot, if I'm good enough, I might even enter a bodybuilding competition.

As for my friend, he doesn't talk much & he doesn't talk about his girlfriend, but he never flirts or none of that. I'd pretty much say he's devoted to her & also, I wouldn't want him to leave her. When they get married & have kids, they are going to have 1 heck of a story to tell their children about how they fell in love.

I like him, & I do think we'd make an interesting team in most ways, but ultimately, even if he were single, I don't think he's for me. That's what my premonition tells me. We are supportive enough of each other. We remind each other to "go for it" when we start self-doubting, over-thinking or are simply scared.

Staying away helps me make sure I don't become emotionally dependent on him or any one for that matter. I could probably even say my personality has changed of late ( a sort of tough as nails/cold) because like you have said, I don't want to be caught up in any crossfire.

It doesn't hurt me to be around him or any thing. Usually, we are just cool + laid back when we talk. It's just that I'm not sure that comfort level that we usually have causes a conflict some place I don't want one.

That's what bugs me out about the whole thing. ~sigh~ Oh well. Time will tell whether we are to be friends or what. I'm not going to worry because with him or without him, I will prevail.

& ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((aim)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[aim]

Ok, Gaze, if you are sure. But please do not get so wrapped up in him that you neglect to meet a man for yourself, ok? Just because the guys that you have encountered see you as a friend, doesn't mean they all will! You deserve love as much as your friend and his girlfriend do, ok? I hope you know that.

As for the body building... I say go for it! Just don't get involved with anything substances that will enhance you improperly (i'm sure you know what I'm referring to) And... there are plenty of guys who like their chicks diesel!!!

Have you dated often? Just curious... you don't have to share that if you don't want to.

(((((gaze)))))

[crystalgaze]

You've got it, aim! No, I won't neglect myself & I'm not wrapped up in him. Actually, every thing has gone rather cold, & it's fine with me. I said time would tell, & I guess it's telling.

There's a reason I'm not so gung-ho about dating. ~whisper~ I am a little afraid of men. (Phobia forum)

I haven't dated often. There were 2 boyfriends at different times from since I was 18 to the present & in between those two, 1 was ... (Ugh!) & the other was ??? (WTF). So it's been 2 so-so relations + 2 baddies.

Usually, I don't bother to date because it's either that people are: (a) small-minded (e.g. bald head = man), (b) no good/ill-intentions or not what I want (do drugs, etc.), (c) cannot deal with how I look (e.g. hair on my legs, try to give me horrors about my weight, etc.) or (d) not looking for a relationship of any kind (meaning sex, sex, sex).

Don't worry. I didn't pre-judge or any thing. I actually spoke to the individuals, got to know them & saw that they were REALLY ugly in their makeup (composition).

~lol~ & yes aim, no stay-royds.... About the guys who like diesel chicks... are they brown-skinned? ??? I've seen that men will want fit women & vice versa.... but there are really some who won't mind a woman with muscles bulging all over the place? Venus + Serena need to meet 'em....

My friend who's been really sick emailed me, so I was pretty happy about that.... Ah, man, I worried about her. (She's like a little sister to me.)