A little update....

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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unknown93
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Apr 02, 2020 4:35 am

A little update....

Postby unknown93 » Mon Apr 04, 2022 3:07 am

I've started a new job and at first it helped me sooo much with my depression and anxiety. Even now I feel like being there takes away so much. But when I get home the depression and anxiety is still there. The suicide thoughts felt like they didn't exist for a moment but lately it's been feeling like they never went away. I have been so depressed lately that I can't keep it together anymore when I get home. I was going to counseling for away but because of some stupid reason my counselor was unable to continue our sessions unless I paid outta pocket. It took me a whole year to open up to her and since than it feels like everything just came rushing back and is worse than before. Every day I go to bed hoping that it's the last time breathe because I can't take this life anymore. I thought that I was finally happy in life. New place, New Job, New Car and I'm finally getting my kids things I wish I had as a kid but in the end it's still not good enough. I feel like I was better off being depressed and miserable 24/7 without everything else going on in my life. My relationship is starting to feel nonexistent, as if were just roommates that just walk past each other and don't talk we just go about our day. I hate that he hasn't seen how bad my depression has gotten lately. Between him and my mom I can't take it anymore. I feel like I'm the rope in a tug-of-war game. And in the end the winning person forgets about it and just tosses it to the side not caring what happens to it. I'm at a point in my depression where I honest to God feel that I would be better off nonexistent to the world because that's one less person to care about.

I was told recently that in order to better myself I need to put myself first and figure out my depression alone. In reality, how is that suppose to happen when I have my kids and husband that I have to make sure are happy and doing good? I have always been told "You need to put yourself first" but no one ever gives the chance to. Everything is so bad at home. I literally have no one to talk to anymore. I have done nothing but burden people with my own personal problems in life that I've finally just been keeping everything to myself and slowly everything is starting to break through to the point where I feel like I'm going to lose all control over what I do and that's not what I want to happen because I'm scared of what I might do. I just need help, but I don't want to get it just to be told later I can't continue to get it and have to go elsewhere again. I just want to go to sleep one day and never wake up because than all my problems will be gone, and I won't have anything to worry about. I know my kids will be in a good place with people who will love and care for them in ways that I never could. My kids being happy in all I want for them. And I hope that they get that.

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