Lost

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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Wabbajack711
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2020 9:17 am

Lost

Postby Wabbajack711 » Fri Sep 18, 2020 10:32 am

I get stuck in these loops of knowing things will get better and thinking I don't deserve them to be better.
I use counter thoughts to combat the negativity. I maintain face unless things are truly hitting me hard. I try so hard to smile and trick my brain.

The real issue I think is I cant decide what I want from life. I'm nearing halfway through it. I feel more lost than I was as an anxious child riding the bus for the first time

useranonymous
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Jul 06, 2020 1:11 pm

Re: Lost

Postby useranonymous » Fri Sep 18, 2020 5:43 pm

I feel lost everyday too since I became a first time mum. I've got no bloody clue what I'm doing and Most of the time I feel I can't do anything right. Ive always got worried weighing on my mind. Im good at burying my issues and have avoided them for years by putting on this pretend sense of confidence and happiness. My counsellor keeps telling me to turn a negative into a positive but it's not always that easy. I guess I r only dealt with my issues now as Ive finally accepted I do deserve the help. I'm at stay at home mum and my 30s just slapped me in the face and I haven't achieved a career and trying to raise a small human which really put everything into perspective for me. I'm wondering where my life has gone do far. All I can say is from experience there's comes a point where your fed up of being miserable and it's good to dig deep down into your emotions and try and release them slowly

Wabbajack711
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2020 9:17 am

Re: Lost

Postby Wabbajack711 » Sat Sep 19, 2020 9:55 am

See and the thing that has been hardest through alot of this is all my close family passed away this year. The only ones left I've never met so I feel distant and ungrounded by that. My cat is one of the main things that reminds me I can't just give up. It's not quite a child but if I dont feed him he starves

useranonymous
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Jul 06, 2020 1:11 pm

Re: Lost

Postby useranonymous » Sat Sep 19, 2020 11:46 am

I'm really sorry to hear about your family :( is there any way you could meet up with your family you havent met yet? I didn't know if it would be easy for you to do. I'm sure they would love to meet up with you. How much do you know about them? What connection do they have to your close family that passed away? It may be lovely to sit with them as they may have some happy memories and stories that would help bring you closure. It could be fun to go on a trip. And I love cats. They are so affectionate and cute and it helps to have a cute fluffy friend to give fuss to. Would you have anybody to look after the cat if you went on an adventure?

Ive just read your other post too. Ive never been through what you have and considering everything you've been through you've managed to come through it to a point where you can function day to day and it must be extremely difficult to do. Youve done really well to open up on here. I hope you can find somebody on here who can relate. And please forgive me for saying this, but have you considered any therapy for your brother's suicide and being sold off by your parents? I can't imagine how terrified you and your brother must have been, but he sounds like he really cared about you and loved you and was a great role model as you were growing up. He would want you to know his death was not your fault. You must have been left with so many unanswered questions and guilt. And your grandmother sounded like a very kind lady x sorry to pry but I wonder if your mum found it really hard your dad working all the time. But it's no excuse for what happened to you and your brother. You must have so many happy memories with your brother and grandmother. They really stepped up for you. I'm sure they are looking over you now and still love you. Maybe meeting with other family might help you to release some heartbreak . Would it worry you to talk to them? You are stronger than you know, to have been through everything you have and still be here. It sounds like you need closure for what your dad to you when you were 4 and for what your mum did, but not sure how as they have passed away. Did you ever have some kind of relationship with them later down the line? I'm so sorry , that sounds really silly thing to say considering what they done. Did they ever apologise? Have you ever confided in your sister? You say your dad brainwashed her? What's her opinion now about him? Do you feel she would believe you?

useranonymous
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Jul 06, 2020 1:11 pm

Re: Lost

Postby useranonymous » Sun Sep 20, 2020 6:44 am

Hey. Me again. Hope your feeling ok today x

Prycejosh1987
Posts: 424
Joined: Sun May 31, 2020 10:54 am
Location: Birmingham UK

Re: Lost

Postby Prycejosh1987 » Sun Sep 20, 2020 11:18 am

Wabbajack711 wrote:I get stuck in these loops of knowing things will get better and thinking I don't deserve them to be better.
I use counter thoughts to combat the negativity. I maintain face unless things are truly hitting me hard. I try so hard to smile and trick my brain.

The real issue I think is I cant decide what I want from life. I'm nearing halfway through it. I feel more lost than I was as an anxious child riding the bus for the first time

Go on the journey of rediscovery. Go somewhere to be at peace or use a day off from work to just stay indoors and spend time thinking. Make time for yourself.

Wabbajack711
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2020 9:17 am

Re: Lost

Postby Wabbajack711 » Mon Sep 21, 2020 9:49 am

useranonymous wrote:I'm really sorry to hear about your family :( is there any way you could meet up with your family you havent met yet? I didn't know if it would be easy for you to do. I'm sure they would love to meet up with you. How much do you know about them? What connection do they have to your close family that passed away? It may be lovely to sit with them as they may have some happy memories and stories that would help bring you closure. It could be fun to go on a trip. And I love cats. They are so affectionate and cute and it helps to have a cute fluffy friend to give fuss to. Would you have anybody to look after the cat if you went on an adventure?

Ive just read your other post too. Ive never been through what you have and considering everything you've been through you've managed to come through it to a point where you can function day to day and it must be extremely difficult to do. Youve done really well to open up on here. I hope you can find somebody on here who can relate. And please forgive me for saying this, but have you considered any therapy for your brother's suicide and being sold off by your parents? I can't imagine how terrified you and your brother must have been, but he sounds like he really cared about you and loved you and was a great role model as you were growing up. He would want you to know his death was not your fault. You must have been left with so many unanswered questions and guilt. And your grandmother sounded like a very kind lady x sorry to pry but I wonder if your mum found it really hard your dad working all the time. But it's no excuse for what happened to you and your brother. You must have so many happy memories with your brother and grandmother. They really stepped up for you. I'm sure they are looking over you now and still love you. Maybe meeting with other family might help you to release some heartbreak . Would it worry you to talk to them? You are stronger than you know, to have been through everything you have and still be here. It sounds like you need closure for what your dad to you when you were 4 and for what your mum did, but not sure how as they have passed away. Did you ever have some kind of relationship with them later down the line? I'm so sorry , that sounds really silly thing to say considering what they done. Did they ever apologise? Have you ever confided in your sister? You say your dad brainwashed her? What's her opinion now about him? Do you feel she would believe you?


I don't have means to go on an adventure. I just started an apprenticeship yesterday for meat cutting. I don't have a car or driver's license due to circumstance. My family that reached out hasn't had a relationship with anyone I was close to. They are also 1600 miles away, and I'm uncertain if i can trust then top not tell my mother if i visited. My mother and father haven't passed, that was a metaphor that my heart lost both with my grandmother and brother respectively, seeing that my parents gave up helping us early on.

My dad is in Prison for raping my step sister, who is currently locked up in our state mental hospital. She is considered Seriously-Mentally-Ill which means she will never be released. The last time we heard anything about her they told us she wanted to marry my dad and had attempted suicide when she wad explained he will never be released from prison. I am legally bound to not talk to her through a restraining order her mother files on our last name...

My father apologized after his arrest. And mgt mother told me it was my fault for staying in a bad situation... which is funny considering it was all before I turned 9.

And on the therapy idea, I would love to but have no insurance, and the "non profit" place here won't take me in until I pay previous debts...weird, considering non profit. I want to love America but all the tools to help, I am apparently not allowed to access

Wabbajack711
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2020 9:17 am

Re: Lost

Postby Wabbajack711 » Mon Sep 21, 2020 11:37 am

useranonymous wrote:Hey. Me again. Hope your feeling ok today x


I could be better honestly, I cut my thumb open the day before I started work and feel like an idiot

Wabbajack711
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2020 9:17 am

Re: Lost

Postby Wabbajack711 » Mon Sep 21, 2020 11:39 am

Prycejosh1987 wrote:
Wabbajack711 wrote:I get stuck in these loops of knowing things will get better and thinking I don't deserve them to be better.
I use counter thoughts to combat the negativity. I maintain face unless things are truly hitting me hard. I try so hard to smile and trick my brain.

The real issue I think is I cant decide what I want from life. I'm nearing halfway through it. I feel more lost than I was as an anxious child riding the bus for the first time

Go on the journey of rediscovery. Go somewhere to be at peace or use a day off from work to just stay indoors and spend time thinking. Make time for yourself.


I have too much time to myself since my family passed. Most of my friends alienated me so I've had lots of time sitting, thinking, and trying to figure out what I want. Went on walks, played guitar. Hopefully work will distract me from there self destructive thoughts

useranonymous
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Jul 06, 2020 1:11 pm

Re: Lost

Postby useranonymous » Mon Sep 21, 2020 3:07 pm

Wabbajack711 wrote:
useranonymous wrote:Hey. Me again. Hope your feeling ok today x


I could be better honestly, I cut my thumb open the day before I started work and feel like an idiot


Oh no, your poor thumb. That will get better soon. Sorry I misread what you out about your mum and dad, I'm a bit of a ditsy head sometimes haha! What about social media to find connect with family? Unless you wouldn't trust them to not tell your mum you contacted them. It's quite difficult as you don't really have any idea who they are. Have any if them tried to contact you at any point online? I get that you don't want to sit around with your thoughts, it's a bit boring. Do you like animals? Just wondered because they are good at keeping you busy, especially dogs. The challenge would be finding a dog your cat liked, cats are the boss. Or maybe you could volunteer once a week at an animal sanctuary outside of your work hours? Also what about your guitar playing? Would you be brave enough to start playing in pubs? Or you could upload videos on YouTube of yourself playing. You never know who may notice you. Sorry, probably an extreme idea of mine lol
I'm not sure what to say about your dad, sister and mum other than at least your dad apologised and not sure how your mum could blame you for any of it.
Also it's weird you can't receive help from a non profit organisation. I would of thought they worked like a charity. Life always has a way of throwing obstacles upon us.

How did your first day of work go despite cutting your thumb? Unless you very seriously cut it open.

Wabbajack711
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2020 9:17 am

Re: Lost

Postby Wabbajack711 » Tue Sep 22, 2020 11:51 am

I live in a house with a Beautiful Newfoundland Pup and another dog I always forget the 2 breeds of. I have a cat and 2 other kitties are here. I take care of them and it helps distract but not always. I plan on streaming myself play video games and guitar, and you tubing both when I get the money for a camera and computer.

Work was actually the best thing that happened this week I think. Finally dragging myself out of a hole and feeling more confident. I keep hitting my thumb against things and busting the cut open but it heals shut fast luckily.

useranonymous
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Jul 06, 2020 1:11 pm

Re: Lost

Postby useranonymous » Tue Sep 22, 2020 3:21 pm

Awwww, kittens! I love them. Have you got one of those laser pens? Cats will chase the little red dot round for hours, it's so funny.I keep thinking about getting a cat but we have a leather sofa and I'm worried about cat scratched. Our last cat scratched 2 great big holes in both our old sofas, we tried everything to stop, even a scratch post but she wanted the sofa. We would hear her scratching it at night and think you little s.h.i.t :lol: :lol: my daughter finds cats really funny, so the thought is still tempting. It's her birthday soon so I could surprise her with one maybe . We have a dog. He's only small, everyone thinks he's a puppy. He's a cavalier kings Charles spaniel. He's put up with alot since we had a child. I'm glad your enjoying your new job. I bet your dog's keep you busy too. Be careful with your thumb from now on haha! :lol:


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