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it's never been this bad

Posted: Fri Jun 26, 2020 2:28 pm
by reptiledude
i only feel worse every day. each week I think, "is this it? Is this my first depressive episode?" And I never know the answer. I'm terrified that I'll never get better. Even comforting things make my chest ache so painfully. I'm stuck in this limbo of listening to the same music over and over again but it doesn't make it better. It's all i can seem to do but it only gets worse. I don't know what to do, all I can do is stay still.
Am i doing this to myself? Is it my fault? I think it is but it doesn't matter really. I keep fantasizing about being someone else, in a different life. I just want to be with my friends but even if I was it doesn't feel like it would matter, this fantasy in my head isn't real, and it won't ever be real.
I hyperfixate on one thing but somehow it has soured my every day life. Even things that are part of my hyperfixation cause me pain and i don't even know why. It's like my heart is so delicate that listening to a certain song or watching a certain clip could rip it open. I really don't understand what's happening to me. What the _ is wrong with me. In just a week or so it's like I've replaced my personality with this Thing. I don't know what kind of person I'm supposed to be, or what I am. Whatever, I'm going to sleep.