Why do I even work?

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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Marshmallow
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Dec 24, 2019 10:13 pm

Why do I even work?

Postby Marshmallow » Mon Jan 27, 2020 5:56 pm

Why do I go to work every day ??? Y ??? What does it matter if I have roof over my head, my credit score, food to eat? Honestly, idky anymore. If it'd stop going to work, I'd b closer to dying bc I'd have no funds. I'd b homeless, right ? Bet id b able to find heroin then to OD bc now I can't get my hands on it. I read the overdoses don't hurt.

I don't care anymore. I was a drinker, but had to stop July 2018 due to the fact that I was getting as big as a house n my drunk behavior was getting out like completely out of control. So about August 2018 I started to smoke weed on n off and oh my gosh, it helps the lonliness Soo much. I Kno I need to quit bc work is odds r gonna start implementing the random drug tests bc there's been a huge change in management, but I can't, I just can't sit here alone every single day sober !!!!!!!!!! I can't do it. And GOD didn't help at all.
I've done all that stuff. Doesn't work. I'm right back to where I am. I just want to die. Honestly, I've asked begged the Devil to kill me since God won't n I'm still alive??? If the Devil would just take my fear of pain away, I'd b able to do it n deal w God later. If he doesn't want me, that's fine, it'd b no different than the rest of life. Idk how much longer I can hold on to the fear of going to hell or and not trying to find the heroin to OD. I've been dealing w this for most of my life, 13-14 years??? Like I'm done. I'm too screwed up to fix. Just do the world favor n let me not wake up, I don't care why I don't, or let me die in an accident tomorrow morning when no ones on the road bc it's 430am. I pray everyday that it'll b last. I just really really want to die.

bigsadpanda
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Jan 28, 2020 8:43 am

Re: Why do I even work?

Postby bigsadpanda » Tue Jan 28, 2020 8:56 am

Hey Marshmellow,

I was depressed like you when many years ago and I survived from that black hole. Now I am also depressed again, and I sometimes wonder if I would live more than some years. I sometimes feel like I am more dangerous to myself compared to a murderer because I cannot predict how my thoughts going to be in the coming days or months.

Depression is like a black hole. It sucks all your energy out and leaves you nothing but emptiness. Please fight it. I hate myself too for being imperfect. I hate myself so much that it hurts my feeling why I just cannot be how I want everything to be. I hate it so much that I want to hurt myself physically so that my body feels the pain too. I also feel like there are two persons living in me. Me and another. Another hates me and me hates another.

But from time to time, I also healed. I believe that if you make another person inside you happy, then you would also be happy. You have to work together with another person inside you. What the other person inside you wants, and why you cannot fulfil it? Try to find the answer and talk to that another person. Make the another understand, that rough times happen, and what you can do is giving the other you a little prize, like ice-cream with your favourite flavour or etc. Give it time. Love yourself and also the other.

I dont know what I am doing right now. I know I might sound even ridiculous to you right now. But I am at work and I cant sleep again last night and crying to my endless problems. I also want to have an end to my problems and I am still searching for it. I googled depression in Germany just now and I found you on the first blog. Let me know if you want to have more chat with me.

Best,
bigsadpanda


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