I don't know what it's like to feel anymore

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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Eddie227
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Dec 09, 2019 8:41 pm

I don't know what it's like to feel anymore

Postby Eddie227 » Mon Dec 09, 2019 9:09 pm

Ok that subject may sound kinda edgy but since I was 12/13 I have been almost completely shut down and I have no clue how to get myself out of this. I keep trying to cry but it doesn't work so I usually just end up curled in a ball on my bed or watching YouTube like I always do.
I recently got into my first real, not online, relationship with a really sweet boy, but I'm finding it hard to physically express that I like him. I fantasize about giving him cheek kisses and big bear hugs but the most we can really do is lean on each other in a "yeah we're dating" kinda way and occasionally hug. I don't find physical affection hard with my friends which is really weird but maybe it's because I don't have very strong emotions towards them, IDK.
I've also recently started up a new sport that's mainly dominated by girls, I'm one out of only three boys on the ~30 person team. I'm shorter and a lot less flexible and ~talented~ then they are despite it being the first year for all three of us, so that's incredibly frustrating. I really want to be able to teach myself flips and jumps outside of practices to impress the team but I have a hard time getting motivated to do anything other than eat my comfort foods and be on my computer, and most of the time I'm not even motivated to make anything more difficult than hot chocolate. The most simple comfort "food" (it's literally just hot chocolate milk) one could possibly make.
It also brings me no joy anymore to do the things I love, like cooking, drawing or anything that's overall creative. It's hard for me to even stray outside of my internet bubble of YouTube and the same 4 games. This year I joined an advanced placement art class but I've only made a few complete works of art in the three months the class has been going on, and I used to be able to crank out art like it was nobody's business. We're talking at least 1 finished digital work every day or two and at least 1 complete multimedia piece a week, which has been cut down to like 1 or 2 of each per month.
My entire life and my entire sense of self feels empty and robotic, and like there's no life left inside of me. I have been on autopilot basically since I started high school and it is really not the vibe I was expecting to have. This evening I've been so desperate to feel something that I've heavily thought about going back into my old habits but honestly a place like this seems like a better thing to do. Sorry if this was weird and ranty I have a lot of thoughts and frustrations I needed to vent.

I_am_myself
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Dec 12, 2019 3:57 pm

Re: I don't know what it's like to feel anymore

Postby I_am_myself » Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:06 pm

I can relate... I don´t know what it is like to feel anymore too... I do not even know when to be happy or sad! It is like my feelings are stuck in a deep hole and every time they try to get to me...they just don´t come... something is stopping them and I think it is me! I am the one who stops them cause I am used to not to feel anymore... I know it sounds weird but that´s how it is like...
If you want to talk to me, I am here...


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