Depression Understood Forums

Clinical depression first struck me when I was in college. Back then, internet was a luxury and mental illnesses including depression were pretty stigmatized-- if you are depressed, or suffering panic attacks every now and then, you try to hide these "abominations" and pray no one ever notices. Don't even think about telling your family or friends because that's how you lose connection, and ranting on the internet is only possible if you have access to it.

So when I was severely depressed, physically hurting myself and thinking about taking my life, one of my teachers noticed and, thankfully, offered to help instead of bashing me for it. Knowing I was struggling with finances, she even hired me to do some lab work despite my being obviously underqualified, just so I wouldn't starve. I could not thank her enough, I would do anything to pay back her kindness, except depression the devil high-fived me so hard in the head with a chainsaw, I screwed up an important task she had trusted me with. She lost a good deal of money because of the problems that had resulted from my failure.

"I'm deeply sorry I messed up because I was too depressed to do it right" still sounds like a crappy excuse now to me, so I totally understood when she got furious and accused me of using depression as an excuse for being a lazy snob. But later she posted a rant on the internet about the incident, which I accidentally found out, and we had a fight. I blurted out mean words like "Maybe you will one day understand when you become so depressed you want to kill yourself!" Until then, I used to be her favorite student. She used to speak so fondly of me my classmates would joke about me kissing her arse to get a reference letter. Everything fell apart after the fight, I dropped her course, and we never talked again.

That was two decades ago. To this day I still feel like I owe her a big apology. Shortly before I wrote this post, I googled her name and BAM there was her contact information! I didn't think seeing this would trigger an instant panic attack, but it did. For a split second I was so tempted to write her a letter apologizing for everything. Then I thought, "Why bother? She would only think I'm pestering her. No way she would ever forgive me. Then again I don't even want her forgiveness because what's done cannot be undone, it's all too late."

So this is the short story about a foolish college student who unintentionally betrayed and hurt the one kind soul who actually offered a helping hand. A clip from my life. A dark memory that still haunts me and will probably follow me into my grave.

It’s never too late to ask for forgiveness, if you feel you should reach it to her, then you should try. Don’t let fear get the best of you.

You should absolutely write her. Write your desire to be forgiven and share a little bit about where you're at these days. You have no idea what she probably wrestled with over the two decades since the incident. Radical forgiveness...it changes hearts and lives. More importantly, however, you should forgive yourself. It's very clear you haven't done so yet and it's time. Don't let the devil take a foothold. He is a liar and he's the one telling you, "why bother?"....Forgiveness is first and foremost, for yourself. If reconciliation comes out of that process, great! But, it's not a requirement. You are a kindhearted individual with a rare drive to persevere through life. Don't let this event from the past continue to haunt you. Its chains should no longer keep you in bondage...you're worth more than that.

I think you should most definitely contact her asking for forgiveness - for all you know she might have may well already forgiven you and just you hearing that could help you on a road of recovery
I wish you all the best of luck.

If you really want her back in your life go and tell her you are sorry and feeling guilty.I hope she will understand.