Hi
Posted: Wed Jun 14, 2017 9:23 pm
Hi,
I'm new on this forum so this is my first post, i'm kinda unsure if I should post here because I think like my problems aren't real problems. I mean, there isn't something that makes me particulary feel sad but I still have a lot of difficulty to handle things in general these times.
I don't know if there was a beginning to all of this but if there was it was probably last summer, when I began to talk to a person who became my internet friend, then bestfriend. Even if my thoughts are now a big mess, the one thing that is still clear to my mind is that I shouldn't ever had talked to this one person. I believed everything she said because I was naive, she told me she was depressed and suicidal which made me suffer a lot. I was 14 at this moment and she was 18. She told me about all of her problems and literally dragged me down because I cared so much about her. I realized too late that she was a manipulator. She said things I will never forget, made me feel horribly guilty a lot of times. (I culpabilize over everything, it's very easy to make me feel guilty). I lost count of all the nights I spend trying to stay awake to help her but she was never listening and it was always the same over and over. She was putting so much pressure on me I felt like I was drowning, she told me that she couldn't live without me. Now that we've stopped talking, she told another person she didn't remember my name. I feel so stupid because late at night, her name still race trough my mind though it's been mounths we don't talk anymore.
At the beginning of the year, I've started to cut myself, I used to dot it probably the whole year, rarely or more often. Now that summer came, I can't anymore because I don't want anyone to notice it.
It's been a few mounths I feel like "this". I don't know exactly, but I feel like my life is becoming a mess. I thought things would get better, but days after days, weeks after weeks, I realized that I'm only getting worse. It's weird because I don't truly have any reason but I'm conscious that I'm not okay, and usually far away from okay.
I still feel guilty really often for apparently no reasons. I'm anxious most of the time, and sometimes numb too wich is an "emotion" I hate. I've lost interest in things I used to enjoy, I often sit on my bed listening to music or silence and stare blankly at my messy room because I don't have the energy to do anything. Now, I don't like anymore being home, especially in my room, alone with my thoughts. When I'm bored, my stress is growing faster. I have also a problem with sleeping : tonight for exemple, it's almost 3am. One hour ago, I was so tired and about to go to sleep and then I began to stress about falling asleep and I made myself a cup of coffee so I can stay awake. I don't have insomnia, medical sleep issues or nightmares. It's just in my head, I can't explain it clearly. It's like I don't deserve to sleep, or I shouldn't because it could make things go wrong, I don't know, it's weird but it's really stressful sometimes.
It's like my emotions are a rollercoaster, i'm either sad, anxious, guilty or happy but in a strange way, as I feel euphoric, unstoppable, invicible. These moments of joy are really intense, it's like i'm no longer conscious of the reality, like I have two different personnalities.
Things have changed in my way of I'm considering my life. I no longer want to be happy, it's not my goal anymore, I found myself thinking happy people were only deceiving themselves, I know I'm wrong but I'm confused. I no longer have passions either, except writing, and I don't have plans for my future. I think of death a lot but I don't want to die, I'm just thinking, that's all.
I'm confused about telling my friends or family about everything, or one of these things. The problem is that I have kept it to myself, I've been silent for too long now and I don't know anymore how to express my feelings. I'm scared of making people worry about me, I don't deserve their help and I don't think they can really do anything.
So, that's it I guess. Thanks a lot for taking your time to read this, I just needed to get it out of my chest, sorry for all the repetitions and mistakes in my sentences, my english isn't that good.
Have a nice day/night, everyone !
I'm new on this forum so this is my first post, i'm kinda unsure if I should post here because I think like my problems aren't real problems. I mean, there isn't something that makes me particulary feel sad but I still have a lot of difficulty to handle things in general these times.
I don't know if there was a beginning to all of this but if there was it was probably last summer, when I began to talk to a person who became my internet friend, then bestfriend. Even if my thoughts are now a big mess, the one thing that is still clear to my mind is that I shouldn't ever had talked to this one person. I believed everything she said because I was naive, she told me she was depressed and suicidal which made me suffer a lot. I was 14 at this moment and she was 18. She told me about all of her problems and literally dragged me down because I cared so much about her. I realized too late that she was a manipulator. She said things I will never forget, made me feel horribly guilty a lot of times. (I culpabilize over everything, it's very easy to make me feel guilty). I lost count of all the nights I spend trying to stay awake to help her but she was never listening and it was always the same over and over. She was putting so much pressure on me I felt like I was drowning, she told me that she couldn't live without me. Now that we've stopped talking, she told another person she didn't remember my name. I feel so stupid because late at night, her name still race trough my mind though it's been mounths we don't talk anymore.
At the beginning of the year, I've started to cut myself, I used to dot it probably the whole year, rarely or more often. Now that summer came, I can't anymore because I don't want anyone to notice it.
It's been a few mounths I feel like "this". I don't know exactly, but I feel like my life is becoming a mess. I thought things would get better, but days after days, weeks after weeks, I realized that I'm only getting worse. It's weird because I don't truly have any reason but I'm conscious that I'm not okay, and usually far away from okay.
I still feel guilty really often for apparently no reasons. I'm anxious most of the time, and sometimes numb too wich is an "emotion" I hate. I've lost interest in things I used to enjoy, I often sit on my bed listening to music or silence and stare blankly at my messy room because I don't have the energy to do anything. Now, I don't like anymore being home, especially in my room, alone with my thoughts. When I'm bored, my stress is growing faster. I have also a problem with sleeping : tonight for exemple, it's almost 3am. One hour ago, I was so tired and about to go to sleep and then I began to stress about falling asleep and I made myself a cup of coffee so I can stay awake. I don't have insomnia, medical sleep issues or nightmares. It's just in my head, I can't explain it clearly. It's like I don't deserve to sleep, or I shouldn't because it could make things go wrong, I don't know, it's weird but it's really stressful sometimes.
It's like my emotions are a rollercoaster, i'm either sad, anxious, guilty or happy but in a strange way, as I feel euphoric, unstoppable, invicible. These moments of joy are really intense, it's like i'm no longer conscious of the reality, like I have two different personnalities.
Things have changed in my way of I'm considering my life. I no longer want to be happy, it's not my goal anymore, I found myself thinking happy people were only deceiving themselves, I know I'm wrong but I'm confused. I no longer have passions either, except writing, and I don't have plans for my future. I think of death a lot but I don't want to die, I'm just thinking, that's all.
I'm confused about telling my friends or family about everything, or one of these things. The problem is that I have kept it to myself, I've been silent for too long now and I don't know anymore how to express my feelings. I'm scared of making people worry about me, I don't deserve their help and I don't think they can really do anything.
So, that's it I guess. Thanks a lot for taking your time to read this, I just needed to get it out of my chest, sorry for all the repetitions and mistakes in my sentences, my english isn't that good.
Have a nice day/night, everyone !