Isolation
Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2016 5:12 pm
Lately I've been working more than normal, just because it's easier to be at work, than to be in my relationship. I don't really want to be around my bf, he knows it, as we've had problems for some time now. I've even asked him to leave multiple times, stating that I was no longer happy in this relationship and wish to not be in it any longer. He refuses to leave, and I can not leave as I haven't child care for our sons, and he hasn't a way to provide for them himself.
So I have been working as much as possible. And when home, like now. I isolate myself.
Though to be fair, it's not only my bf I want to isolate myself from. It's pretty much everything and everyone. Excluding a select few close friends at work...which is also an incentive to work as much as possible...
But, for example. I have a birthday party to go to this coming weekend, for my 3 year old niece. I don't want to go, I don't want to be around all those people. All that commotion. I would actually rather be at work. But I also see that as a family obligation and I would feel very badly for canceling. So I am going to go, but all I really want to do, is be alone. Either alone, or with one other significant person. Though I don't know who that person would be. I don't want to talk to anyone, or have to pretend to to be happy, and enjoying myself. Fake smiles, and small talk, forced laughs, and awkward silences. I don't want any of it. I just want to be left alone. Alone, or with one person that understands, one person that can see who I really am, see what I feel and accept it. Validate it. Even share some of it. I don't have a person like that.
I want to be alone, but I don't want to be lonely....I don't know.
So I have been working as much as possible. And when home, like now. I isolate myself.
Though to be fair, it's not only my bf I want to isolate myself from. It's pretty much everything and everyone. Excluding a select few close friends at work...which is also an incentive to work as much as possible...
But, for example. I have a birthday party to go to this coming weekend, for my 3 year old niece. I don't want to go, I don't want to be around all those people. All that commotion. I would actually rather be at work. But I also see that as a family obligation and I would feel very badly for canceling. So I am going to go, but all I really want to do, is be alone. Either alone, or with one other significant person. Though I don't know who that person would be. I don't want to talk to anyone, or have to pretend to to be happy, and enjoying myself. Fake smiles, and small talk, forced laughs, and awkward silences. I don't want any of it. I just want to be left alone. Alone, or with one person that understands, one person that can see who I really am, see what I feel and accept it. Validate it. Even share some of it. I don't have a person like that.
I want to be alone, but I don't want to be lonely....I don't know.