decision making
Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2016 8:15 pm
I currently see a therapist every other week. I started back in January, a few weeks after my brother in law committed suicide. I was/am having a heard time dealing with a lot of things. once of which is facing my own depression and suicidal ideations in relation to the death of my brother in law. One of the more difficult things is that in the weeks, or month leading up to his suicide, I had also been considering such a solution to my intensifying depression and anxiety. Seeing the pain his death caused to my sister, and seeing my niece (sisters daughter) and his son (with another woman) and the pain and sadness throughout all of our families...and to think I had been so close to making that same decision....it's been so confusing, I can't quite get my head around everything in the needed order of things. And rarely do my thoughts, or process of thoughts, make sense to me. It's like 5 different "trains" of thought merging onto one track. I just can't sort things through.
I started therapy as a way to help me deal with this, as well as many underlying issues from my very early years, through childhood, into my teen years and on through my twenties. To me it seems as though the therapy is pointless. Mostly at my fault as I am not very good at talking or expression my emotions other than in writing. and even then, as I said...I rarely make sense anymore as my thoughts seem to collide with each other into one jumbled mess of words.
I am now trying to decide if I should discontinue therapy. after a few months I feel that it hasn't had any effect or improvement in any way. I've also been put on meds for depression and bipolar disorders. The meds are losing their effect as of a month ago or so. Or at least I am feeling they are losing effect. Which of course would lead to an increase in dosage and more monitoring. Which I can do without attending therapy. I just don't know if I should continue the therapy and hope that maybe something at some time with change. Or if I should discontinue sessions and just rely on meds and the doctor who prescribes them, in order to regulate these "mood disorders"
Am I wasting the therapist time? when I am not sure I will ever be any different than I am now? when i'm not sure I can ever feel, or thing, or exist any differently.
Some have suggested that I try a different therapist...but that would be like starting all over, from the beginning. Back at "square one", which makes me feel even more hopeless than ever. Why am I trying? Am I trying? what am I doing wrong? Why am I so wrong? What am I supposed to do?
Through the two weeks between sessions I dread going. Once I am there I feel a little bit better just for knowing that I am in a safe place where I can't hurt myself, where if I try to, they are trained on what to do, where to take me, and maybe how to stop it. But mostly, throughout those two weeks, I don't want to go, I don't want her to ask her questions, I don't want to have to keep saying "I don't know." or "i don't remember" when I find it too difficult to find the words to explain something. I've never been good at verbalizing my thoughts or emotions. The only time I can do that is when I am feeling a certain way...the kind of way that nothing matters, and i'll say whatever I think without sensory and not care what is thought of me or done to me.
So...continue therapy? where I might be wasting their time and my own.
Or stop therapy? and....well I don't know what kind of effect stopping will have.
Any thoughts?
I'm also not good at making decisions....*sigh*
-Ender-
I started therapy as a way to help me deal with this, as well as many underlying issues from my very early years, through childhood, into my teen years and on through my twenties. To me it seems as though the therapy is pointless. Mostly at my fault as I am not very good at talking or expression my emotions other than in writing. and even then, as I said...I rarely make sense anymore as my thoughts seem to collide with each other into one jumbled mess of words.
I am now trying to decide if I should discontinue therapy. after a few months I feel that it hasn't had any effect or improvement in any way. I've also been put on meds for depression and bipolar disorders. The meds are losing their effect as of a month ago or so. Or at least I am feeling they are losing effect. Which of course would lead to an increase in dosage and more monitoring. Which I can do without attending therapy. I just don't know if I should continue the therapy and hope that maybe something at some time with change. Or if I should discontinue sessions and just rely on meds and the doctor who prescribes them, in order to regulate these "mood disorders"
Am I wasting the therapist time? when I am not sure I will ever be any different than I am now? when i'm not sure I can ever feel, or thing, or exist any differently.
Some have suggested that I try a different therapist...but that would be like starting all over, from the beginning. Back at "square one", which makes me feel even more hopeless than ever. Why am I trying? Am I trying? what am I doing wrong? Why am I so wrong? What am I supposed to do?
Through the two weeks between sessions I dread going. Once I am there I feel a little bit better just for knowing that I am in a safe place where I can't hurt myself, where if I try to, they are trained on what to do, where to take me, and maybe how to stop it. But mostly, throughout those two weeks, I don't want to go, I don't want her to ask her questions, I don't want to have to keep saying "I don't know." or "i don't remember" when I find it too difficult to find the words to explain something. I've never been good at verbalizing my thoughts or emotions. The only time I can do that is when I am feeling a certain way...the kind of way that nothing matters, and i'll say whatever I think without sensory and not care what is thought of me or done to me.
So...continue therapy? where I might be wasting their time and my own.
Or stop therapy? and....well I don't know what kind of effect stopping will have.
Any thoughts?
I'm also not good at making decisions....*sigh*
-Ender-