Do you feel the way I do?

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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HopelessMe
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed May 20, 2015 12:16 pm

Do you feel the way I do?

Postby HopelessMe » Wed May 20, 2015 12:26 pm

The truth is I don’t like saying that I’ve got a depression. Not because I don’t think I’ve got it, but because is something I realize by myself , because I believe is not something that I’ve got. It’s something that I am. I’m fully convinced I am a depressive person.

I went to a psychologist a few times, but I never truly open myself to them. Mostly because at the moment I wasn’t as bad as I am now, and also because I didn’t realize what my problem was, I tried to tell myself that the reason of my “sadness” were the problems around me. As time pass I did my best to delete those problems. As time pass I did my best to delete those problems from my life, but I just keep getting worse. That’s when I realize what the problem was: Me. I can’t be happy. Even when my life seems to be good, andI’ve got every reason to be happy, that's probably when I’m the worse. I feel empty most of the time. I don’t feel sad, I haven’t feltnothing for days, maybe months. I feel like I’ve got no reason to live. But this comes and goes. I can remember two different times in my life like that.

Beeing fine is when I have “good days” and “bad days”. Good days are those when I do feel kind of happy, and enjoy the things around me. But even on the good days, sometimes a little bit of pain comes, punches me and then goes. Bad days are those when I only feel pain. I feel like my chest is sinking. I literally feel pain on my chest. I can’t breathe. Prrobably I can’t cry. My mind is a mess of bad thoughts and I can’t put two ideas together. Most of my bad days I miss school, or any activity I have. On these years of struggle I’ve lost many friends, I have to re do two years of school, even lost a four year relationship, besides other reasons, because of this.

Also I’ve got panic attacks in the past and anxiety. I have hurt myself more than once. (Looking at my childhood, I realize now what I have done without noticing what it was. And then other times, as a teenager, knowing). I have thought of destructive behaviour more than once, and honestly I haven’t done it because I don’t have the money to do it as I want to. I sleep a lot when I’m not having insomnia. Sometimes I can’t cry even if I want to. Sometimes I cry without any reason. I feel lonely, even when I know I have people. I guess is because I have no one to share my true feelings.

It wasn’t until some months ago I never said these things at loud, but the person I told couldn’t understand and told me I was faking. I have accepted who I am, but I come here looking for someone who feels the same way I do, every time I have heard someone talking about depression, they talk about their problems, and I need to know If there’s someone who, like me, feel that their problem is themselves, not the world around them. As well, I apologize if my English isn’t good, I actually speak Spanish so it’s a bit harder for me to express what I feel.

P.S.: I am not trying to minimize people who feel depressed because of a “real reason”, I have those as well, I’m just trying to make a difference between when I feel I am down because of something that happened, and when I realize I’m just down because that's the way I AM. This is not my story, I went through a lot in my short life, but I just needed to share how I feel, not my story. Thanks for reading and I hope I'll find some company here or something that make me feel less alone.

emily67
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jan 25, 2015 11:35 am

Postby emily67 » Fri May 22, 2015 11:43 am

i agree with you.

i could be handed 1 million pounds and have everything i ever wanted in the world, and i'd still feel depressed/ suicidal/ unable to function

when i was 9, i was diagnosed with 3 mental illnesses. at first, i didn't really think about how my life would be.. more like, i have such and such a disorder, so what.

but then losing family, friends, being in hospital countless times, losing out on most of my education, it has really taken it's toll over the years. and now i'm at a stage where i just can't be happy.

even if i have everything i need and everything i want, i'm still an emotional wreck

it sucks

emily67
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jan 25, 2015 11:35 am

Postby emily67 » Fri May 22, 2015 11:44 am

oh yeah,

congrats on not going forward with the distructive behaviour.

i do it, and trust me, once you start, it's a hard thing to break

HopelessMe
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed May 20, 2015 12:16 pm

Postby HopelessMe » Mon May 25, 2015 5:46 pm

Well its hard. Sometimes I even feel like I don't want to be better I just want to dissappear...


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