Depression Understood Forums

I set up an appointment to see someone at my school the other day, and the protocol is to have a 15 minute phone interview before I go in to see anyone, so they can figure out what I need. So, I talked to someone, and I don't know what happened to me, I couldn't answer her questions, my chest started tightening and the more she asked the more I wanted to hang up the phone and pretend that I had never called at all. But I keep telling myself I need this, but I know that the first thing I'll do when I walk into the office in 2 weeks (because that's the only time they can fit me in...and I'm kind of nervous I'm going to do something really stupid before that) and I'll immediately start sobbing. I just won't be able to stop. I cried on the phone yesterday and I don't think she knew, but I just couldn't stop and I kept rubbing my chest, and it felt like a mini panic attack, I haven't had one in so long that has effected me so much. I now feel stressed (I want to pull my hair out) and I can't do any of my school work (which wouldn't be a problem but my grades are relying on my two tests this week and I have to do well...or I might be in trouble...). I know this is just a general problem, and no one will really respond, because no one responded to my last question.

I kind of feel like I'm drowning and everyone is asking why I can't swim. I can't really talk about it with my friends here because I haven't really opened up to them about it. One of our friends is already depressed and I really don't want to take that away from her and I don't want people to think I'm doing it for attention or that I'm weird.

I'm also having this problem where everyone thinks I'm on drugs or I'm drunk all the time. And the worse part is, I'm not and it's making me want to start doing drugs and drinking more just to tell them, yes I'm high or I'm drunk and finally you're right. Finally my happiness is exactly where you think it comes from? Is it so terrible that I make myself goofy because I'd rather be comfortable and happy than being so depressed all the time. So yeah, I'm avoiding my problems because I don't want to deal with them, but it works, until someone asks me the dreaded question. Sometimes the only thing that can calm me down is a drink. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it does. I get asked this question at least 2 or 3 times a day.

I know I'm just rambling. but I need to. I need to.

Hi Wretched,

I hope you feel better after writing that.

I'm sorry that you aren't able to talk about this with your friends but there are members here who will listen and help so please don't think you're alone.

If you're not ready to swim you're not ready to swim, that's ok. We all drift at times, some longer than others until you figure out what you have to do. You say you avoid your problems because you don't want to deal with them but eventually you will have to if you want to move on. Do you know what your problems are or are you searching for a reason as to why you feel like this? Why don't you want to deal with them?

I'm glad you aren't drinking or taking drugs, they wont solve your problems, they will still be there waiting for you when you sober up. Who cares what people say about you, they don't know you, they don't know what you've been through so you have nothing to prove to them. One thing I learnt is not to care what others think about you, what matters most is what you think about yourself.

I know your issues won't go away in a day or 2, it can take a while but don't let the other things in life pass you by. You say you have 2 tests you need to pass, do you feel worse now or would you feel worse if you failed? If you fail them, would you regret it and kick yourself for not trying harder? The thing is you need to make the right decisions at the right time, whether you pass or not is still in your control. Don't let your emotions get in the way, you may feel sad but you can feel sad after the tests, so for now focus on what you need to do. Try to see it this way, you have a small problem and a big problem, if you don't tackle the small one, it will only make the big one bigger so tackle the small one first then work on the big one. Don't let them build up by doing nothing, you are more than capable, don't doubt that about yourself.

Wish you all the best x