Depression Understood Forums

I am having emotional problems and no matter how hard I try to avoid allowing myself to feel miserable, I cannot prevent it from happening.
I am a 17-year-old girl and currently in high school. This time is apparently supposed to be joyful and pleasant, but I spend most of the day sitting in my room by myself, doing pointless things and wondering why I even bother living. I used to have friends two years ago, but because of me being jealous and suspicious all the time, I ended up pushing them away and now I do not have anyone. I assume I have trust issues, but I do not know why. I am just very critical of everyone around me and have a hard time socializing and getting to know new people because I am very socially awkward and feel anxious. I often feel lonely and I would diagnose myself with major depression and paranoia. I also have obsessive-compulsive disorder, but I do not think that is relative to anything I am feeling emotionally.

I have no ambitions or goals in life, and I honestly would not mind if my life ended right now, because I see no point in going on. I suppose I am very self-destructive because I am underweight and lack vitamin D, yet I do not bother taking the tablets I am supposed to have every day. It is as if a part of me wants me to suffer and feel sad all the time. For a while, I actually hoped I would end up friendless and be depressed, but I do not know why I would want that. I have cut myself in the past, but I am trying to move away from self-harming. I have thought about suicide many times, and have even reached a point where I almost jumped off my bedroom balcony. Despite not caring much about life, I could not go through with it, so now I am just slowly suffering. I have been anorexic ever since I became self-conscious about my appearance and weight, and I only eat when I absolutely have to.

Another thing is that I hate people in general. I overanalyze everything everyone does, and I easily get offended. For example, if I am standing next to someone, and they move a bit away, I immediately start thinking negatively. Did they move away because I look ugly? Do they dislike me? Do they think it is embarrassing to stand next to someone like me? Those type of thoughts, and therefore I find it hard to stay friends with someone over a longer period, because I will eventually end up discussing with them when they do something without inviting me. In addition, I handle criticism poorly. I easily get offended and stay offended for a long time

The smartest thing would obviously be to seek professional help, but I do not like the concept of some stranger sitting and listening to me complaining about all my problems, as if they actually care about what I have to say. I want to solve my problems, but at the same time, I do not want people to worry or feel concerned about me. I feel uncomfortable when people show empathy, because it makes me feel as if I owe them something in return. I have tried talking about my issues to my mom, but I easily get pissed off, and she is very ignorant, so we usually end up arguing.

When I look around me, I see people who enjoy their lives. They seem to have unimportant concerns and worries in life, and I have a hard time relating to them. I do not have the same interests as most people around me. I am very quiet and shy (a typical outcast) and I criticize and look for faults in everyone. I am suspicious of everyone (paranoia).
My point in sharing all this is that I wonder if there is someone out there who is in the same situation as me, who is going through similar things and having the same feelings as me. Alternatively, had, but somehow managed to turn their lives around and is now willing to share their solution with me.

Dear Allioncourt,
I totally relate to what you are going through. I felt much the same when I was your age and frequently feel the same now, more than 20 years later. Nonetheless, lots of good things happen in between, lots of short-lived friendships had come and gone. I am glad I didn't end it back then, although I'm still facing the same issues and suffering. I also know that I'll be suffering 20 years from now, but some wonderful things will happen before suffering returns and despair settles in, until another wonderful thing....and so on and on.
Your parents may not be equipped to handle your desperate messages to them, your reaching out and asking for help maybe because they need it too, from someone close, someone familiar, like you (maybe not now, but later).

As far as feeling unattractive and lonely...A little metaphor comes to my mind from something I actually have seen and done. Here it goes:
On a lonely slope of Alaskan fjord right in front of a very cold glacier, there is a small stunted tree. It is misshapen and small fir, much different from other firs of the same species, tall and slender that grow in a wind sheltered places further away from the constant glacial wind. The guide of our small group of day hikers stopped in front of that tree and pointed to a wall of rocks that previous groups piled in front of the hardy tree to make the wind easier to bear. The wall was almost as high as the tree itself. Then, he took just one rock and placed it on top asking us to do the same if we feel like it. Everyone went to pick a rock and piled it on top of the growing pyramid. There were no other trees on that side of the fjord, because there were no other protecting pyramids. The tall and slender trees with easy life were not even noticed, much less protected or remembered by anyone in our group. But everyone, I'm sure, remembers the small stunted tree like I do, and if I ever make it back to the wind-swept desolate side of that fjord, I'd be happy to see the tree still there, and I'll out another rock on top of the pyramid.
Allioncourt, you were discovered by a very good group of people and I'm symbolically placing a few rocks to make sure you write back and let me know how are you doing and surviving in the cold desolate fjord that life happened to place you.

Hi Allioncourt (I like the name);

Just wanted to welcome you; I'm not sure I'm the one to relate. I'm 52 (although I was 17), male (although I grew up in a house full of females), from America (never been to Norway). I also wanted to mention a couple things. I hope I won't offend or sound patronizing.

The prevailing idea over here is that high school years can be pleasant, but not most of it. And yes, I guess, there should be a measure of joy. I went to a very large school and there was joy in success but there was a lot of agony in failure. I was often in the latter group. High school comes with more and more pressure. There are articles all the time condemning (but not solving) the problem of huge homework loads. So, if your seeing a lot of joyful faces your probably looking at a lot of well constructed masks.

The other thing (I hope you don't think I'm a wind bag so far)...well, may be a bit patronizing. You probably already realize this, but it's difficult to understand someone without developing some amount of empathy. It sort of comes with the package. And it's difficult to help someone unless you can understand. You see the problem? To find solutions someone's going to have to empathize, or your going to have to empathize with someone.

However, it is possible some of that could happen in a less emotional way here. And there are lots of postings here you can read that may help without any one knowing anything about you. There are people here who, not even knowing you, would like to see you get the help you need.

Anyway, hope I haven't put you off;
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