I find myself wishing every day that things were different.
I wish my mom and dad were still here every minute. Things were so much easier. We weren’t made to go outside, we weren’t made to get off of the computer, we weren’t called lazy, fat regrets every time one little thing went wrong and wasn’t even our faults. We weren’t under the rule of a woman I’ve known to be a good woman all my life that’s now become a flat out b***h with a psychotic General complex. She’s verbally abusive to all of us, even her own (grown, mentally disabled) kids, and we can do nothing about it. (I have a feeling that the passing of her husband triggered this, but I dare not bring it up.)
We didn’t have thirteen dogs eating my cat’s food every time I turn around and a bag of cat food lasted longer than two weeks. I didn’t cry nonstop over the smallest things. I never wished that someone would shoot me to put me out of my misery before I moved here. Now.. I do.. even though I know it would kill my little brother and our two pets if I left. They’ve already lost our parents; they don’t need to lose someone else.
I know I need mental help.. but we have no money.. and nobody does anything for free anymore. I couldn’t get to a clinic if I had to - nothing is a secret in this house and I don’t go anywhere by myself, due to having seizures - something I know will trigger again due to living in this hellhole. Either the neighbors blab what they think to be the truth or the people that live here get all up in your business.
I’m too emotionally sensitive and unstable to live here.. but I have no choice. Nobody else could or would take us in. We have no money to go anywhere else. We don’t even know where we could go if there was a free living center around here. We don’t know the area at all and we’d have to walk to get there. Walking with all of this stuff we have would be impossible, not to mention we’d need to find a place that takes pets as well. (I’m not leaving our last two babies behind - forget that. We already had to leave Koga behind and from what I’m told, he even went to someone else cause the courts saw “pitbull” not “pitbull mix” in his DNA and made the guy that had him get rid of him. I’m told he went to a friend of his that has other pits, but I don’t know how true that is.)
My cousin, the only decent person in this d***ed family, just says “learn not to give a s***”.. but I can’t. I can’t do that. I feel too much.. and that’s going to be my undoing one day. I can feel it.
Someone help me.. please? I can give information if you need it or something like that.. I just don’t want to be here anymore.
This doesn't include the fact that my brother is a former self-harmer as well and has anger issues. He's gone to therapy for it before, but this, I'm scared, is going to make him relapse if something isn't done.
I've taken meds for depression before, back in high school, but I've been off of them for awhile (I don't know why it stopped, whether it was by choice or my medical advice). I've also been medicated before for my seizures - I was told that the meds I was taking would make them worse (by some med student looking doctor that I haven't seen before or since that day a few years ago).
As it says, I can give information - I can help you help me - I just can't do it by myself. I'm too scared of the backlash and we - my brother and I - have nowhere else to go, especially when you factor in our two pets and the stuff we have.