Newfound depression

[Rue_morgue]

My depression has found me again. I have been fighting this for so long, I have been fighting this depression for as long as I can remember. I don't know what to do. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I feel tired, I feel empty, I feel like there is always something that brings me back to feeling completely desperate. I sit here, watching T.V. or playing video games for hours and every once in a while when I realize what a waste this is, I seem to not be able to muster up enough self love to stop myself from doing it. I can't feel love for the people I'm supposed to love, I can't feel pleasure in things that should bring me pleasure, like intimacy. I feel so empty when I try. I feel irritated with my best friends and I feel so distant to them. A sort of numbness consumes my whole being and a desperation to figure out how to get rid of it. But yet, not enough to really snap out of it. And the all consuming guilt for all the errors that I've made in my life follow me around like shadows on the pavement. Walking silently behind me. The wishing to be normal, an overwhelming wish that I think of all the time. What am I supposed to do? what are we all supposed to do?

[_js_sj_]

I feel exactly the same.. unfortunately I have no idea what we're supposed to do - no matter what, like you say, it just seems to come creeping back.

The only thing that I've ever found that helps me get out of those ruts of inactivity/self-loathing is exercise - as cliché as that sounds.

It makes me feel better about how I look (which improves intimacy issues), allows a sense of achievement, accomplishment and a rush of endorphins that can't be ignored.

The hardest part is getting yourself to do it, but the benefits are unmatchable.. maybe give it a go? I have a lot of social anxiety, so going out to exercise for now is too hard, I usually find online videos and workout in my own home.

Hope it helps x

[JulesK]

When I finally went to a therapist after struggling with an MDE that started late last year, I remember being really upset when she said I was in fact experiencing an MDE.

I was really ... angry, I think it is the right word. I have to deal with this AGAIN? I thought. I'm going to have to go to therapy AGAIN? I'm going to have to do all of this work just to feel somewhat normal AGAIN? [Lots of bad language] It seemed and still seems really unfair.

But the thing is, I did start going to therapy again and I did (for the first time) start a medication because the alternative was too much to be borne, not just by me, but by people around me. So, this forum is a good place to start. Are you currently seeing a therapist?

Take care and keep in touch.