Depression Understood Forums

hello, my names shannon. i just had my 20th birthday yesterday.
normally its been hard to care about stuff these days.
but i picked myself up to hit the computer and look for this place.
the only reason im still here is because of the people i cant hurt.
but what i want, so desperately, is to go to sleep and never wake up.
but of course, life is a medley of common consciousness, so this is in the back of my mind a lot of the time.

i often feel like, a child. because im just as sensitive as i was as a child. i cry at the drop of a hat. im easily hurt. i feel hurt and raw all the time now so im coming to terms with the fact that, my depression is back.

but the triggers are merely triggers. im not still sad about the things that caused it. im just downright sad, irritable. angry. i cant feel anything positive and thats what happy shannon was all about. charade shannon. denial shannon. and i thought that, people who dwell and undergo depression arent strong or they think wrong. maybe we arent strong but we cant help how we feel and we dont bring it upon ourselves. the vicious cycle begins with the stress hormones. the depleted seratonin.

i depleted mine when i went back to cocaine, i think. i stopped doing it. but ive still been feeling horrible.

i have always had an amazing talent for putting myself in someone elses shoes. i used to run from my problems by feeling everyone elses pain instead. but thats not why im here today.

im here to find people with raw hurt, carelessness and nullness. people who have been destroyed. people who are lonely. people who are haunted. maybe theres a nice young man out there like me because im not what you would call "relationship ready" to the average joe. im here to find the suicidal.

the purpose of this is to connect to anyone who understands me. to be there for them, and to help them. i need additional motivation to stay in this world because its not cutting it and im slipping.

we can save eachother.
i havent browsed the forums yet im about to but i get the feeling that this is why we are all here. we all had to seek this place out to find it and be a part of it.

thank you so much for your time feel free to pm me if you arent a big public replyer lol.

wow... ah, hey. my name's shannon as well.. just wanted to comment, and say that you've described how i feel.... to a T.. weird.. or maybe not.. maybe its just.. depression. whatever it is... i hope it gets better for you.. i too am on cycles with this crap. since i was 6 or so, was my first trigger.. i was actually functioning ok.. almost ten years clean off of drugs, and functioning without medications for a few years.. then i lost my father, almost a year ago now.. then my grandmother last month.. you know.. it'd be so easy to say that my pain is just... grief, and saddness of loosing a loved one.. but i know this feeling.. i know the lurking it does in me, even when i'm "happy"... i know it's hit me full on again... and i too.. am lookin for people to.. idk.. click with.. talk to... maybe even become social again.. who knows.. i really hope things work out for you.. ttys maybe

i hear you, its never easy to lose someone you love. i know if anyone in my immediate family died before their time i wouldnt be able to handle it. doesnt make it any less sad when it is their time.

i know what you mean, like even the happier times have a hidden dark streak from unresolved miserableness. its like its always there until you beat it for good or for a few years. sometimes i feel like im fine but ive come to expect it to return, im always ready for it. i just sleep.

im here when you need to talk.