Rubberish from my soul - (can trigger)

[jaceyka]

Wanting. Craving. Aching.

But for what? Why do I feel the things that I feel, why do I struggle with such simple unimportant dilemas? Why does my brain get triggered for depression when nothing remotely terrible occurred? Am I honestly insane? Is it all simply just inside of my head?

Why is it that the only thing that can cure this suffucating and vile poison of pure turmoil.. is the simple sight of my own blood? Feeling the rush as i slice open my flesh, knowing I shall soon be getting what I trully deserved. Yet.. at the same time, once the euphoric moment is lost and in the past, all I feel is shame, embaressment, and hate.. wishing that I would have never caved in.. wishing that I would have never been born.

Let's be realistic. I was never suppose to live. (I died when I was born,) but the gods of medicine called doctors.. who are honestly just snakes in the hiding, restrung this souls lifeline back together when in all actuality it was suppose to be snipped at an early time. And in return, is this why I hold so much sorrow and dissapointment? Is this my punishment for being alive when I am suppose to be deceased?

These racing thoughts never cease to stop in my head. Pounding away and supressing all emotions, trapping the once beautiful princess inside of a holding cell.. deep below into the depths of hell and pure anguish. Throwing away the key that shall never be found once again.. resulting in me suffering, with misery being the only contribution brought onto the table, being this horrific creature that I am...

[Ahorse]

Hi Jace,

It really is a living nightmare isn;t it, this dreadful illness, depression. It takes all of us and leaves us nothing for ourselves, no place to even hide. Even in my sleep it still attacked me at the bottom of my worst times. I was simply a wreck, forgot to eat, became semi vegetative (This is where the brain starts to shut down so you can't be hurt any more) meaning I tended to just sit, stare and not respond to anyone or anything. Just surviving and hoping, deep down that was always there.

You say the once beautiful princess. SO when did that change? And do you have any idea why?

The fact you say, or indicate things were Ok once tells me there are events that caused this to happen to you. Maybe I'm readin your words incorrectly but that's what I see. OK, then not. We often don't know why, at least for a long time and nor do we know how to deal with it. We shouldn't have to, it's so unfair but once it happens that doesn't matter. All that matters is recovery.

No, you are nor insane. And no, something terrible needn't be the cause. It may be a whole host of minor things with something small just triggering a collapse. My knowledge of depression tells me that many of us suffer from what were well intentioned early childhood training by our parents. I could bore you with mine but what's the point? They happened and I still have those early habits ingrained and yes, they have caused me great hurt. Even though I still believe at least some of them were spot on.

OK, one example. My Mum taught me to keep to a high standard and demand it of everyone else. Good manners, politeness, being on time, keeping clean, not taking risks, not lying, cheating or stealing. All the good habits I still hold as ideals. Trouble is the rest of the world does not hold to those ideals so they get to me, big time. Result is I get depressed because I cannot accept their behaviour. See what I mean? Very well intentioned.

You say the only thing that heps is the sight of your own blood. Yet instantly you describe how it really makes you feel. Cutting is not the answer to anything I'm afraid and all it does is give us more long term problems to face. Both physical and mental as we do feel ashamed. If the cuts are exposed we do anything to hide them. This is no answer.

Being realistic, you are here, alive and able to take control of your life any time you have the dtrenght and determination to at least try.

Simply making that decision, really committing to recovery within your self is often enough the very start of recovery. If you do that then stick with it recovery is attainable.

See a doctor, get referred to a shrink and/or a therapist. Be honest with them. Fess up about cutting, they've heard it all before and nothing you can say will surprise them.

If you can't commit withing yourself to recovery then it won't happen. If you can't tell the medical people everything then recovery is unlikely as they won't know what to treat.

This is why I say recovery is up to you and within you. You need the help of others but they cannot make your mind up to do what id needed. Only you can.

You ask if this is only in your head. Well the evidence of cutting isn't is it? It's a mark or many on your body and what it represents is the misery in your head.

You see depression IS in our heads, all of it. Providing there's no physical cause, which any good doctor would check anyway, depression is ALL in our head. it is OUR thoughts that we attack ourselves with. Our thoughts whoch continually predict doom and disaster. Our thoughts which tell us we are worthless and worse.

It is all thought but it converts into action and reaction once we process those thoughts and do something resulting from those thoughts.

At the stage you are at I would suggest you are in urgent need of meds and possibly a short stay in a hospital to help settle things down. Being looked after while you rest and recuperate.

Later therapy may help b ut do one thing at a time. I don't know of anyone who has had an instant recovery overnighht. It takes time to get where you are so it will take time to recover from that.

Once your mood has lifted enough you will need to take a look at your life and see what is bad for you or triggering this misery. Remove or rearrange those things so that they no longer hurt you. Keep vigilant and never let go of your treatment until you are strong enough to say "I am back". People do it all the time, some take a very long time, I'm one such, and others take shorter periods. But it's all relective of how determined and how consistent we are.

No self medicating, no big weekends, no drugs or alcohol, no bad habits. Just discipline and compliance. Sounds hard but when you get some result from it it becomes easier as you know that is the way to follow.

Good luck but see that doc soon, very soon.

[jaceyka]

ahorse -

first and foremost, thank you for responding.. it really does mean a lot to me. i think when anyone posts things on here, deep down all they are really doing is attempting for a cry of help. i really appriciate it.

let me give you a little backround..

Im 23, and ive been cutting for 10 years. (yes, that means i started when i was 13.) i guess you could say because ive been doing the habit for so long, it has become almost part of my "comfort zone" which is unfortunate.. just got to try my best to not give in when i crave it.

the "beautiful princess" picture was more so just an anology. meaning.. everyone has a good and a bad side to them. i think that because of my trauma experiences/depression.. i didnt want the "pure side" to witness any of it.. so she gets "locked away" and is "never let out". its an abstract way to descibe the mind.. its hard to explain.. i hope im not too confusing.. :/

I started seeing a pyshcologist on my own in feb of 2010. i went to him for awhile, then started only seeing him every once in awhile around fall of 2010. the last time i really saw him i think was in april/march of this year. he turned out to be another quack that is only doing the job for the cash. why should i go to someone who isnt going to try to help..

and you were talking about going to the "hospital".. to be honest about a month ago i DID get submitted to the hosp. basically the cops got a hint from a website that i was suicidal, and i got submitted.

let me tell you, it was the worst experience of my LIFE. You know why? the docotors there are so FAKE!!

when the "doctors" see you, he gives you literally a 5 second interview asking you 3 questions. there is no help in hospitals psyc wards. its converted into another place that is false advertisment. i wish i could get more into it... this is barley scratching the surface. theres just so much to say and this is already becoming a novel as it is.

medication - ive tried being placed on medication. all it does it make me worse, literally. wellbutrin gave me massive panic attacks to where i would colapse and slip in and out of concious, making my fingers and arms.. toes and legs go numb. zoloft gave me intense chest pains, which resulted into panic attacks. docotors never know what is a good medication.. they just try and attempt and dont really care about the suffereing. (can you tell yet that i really dont like doctors?)

oh - and there would be no point in me trying to go to a new pysc anytime soon. im moving out of state in 2 weeks or so, about 14 hours away. why should i start to build a relationship when it would be crushed?

i think my main thing feeding this sickness inside of me is that it doesnt help that everyday i am completely isolated with no one to talk to.

i am not exagerrating. i have no friends that live around me. NONE. at all. my family has disowned me. everyday i come home to an empty house, go to my room, and just go in my bed with no one to talk to.

and yes, im sure that a lot from my past could be a triggering reason why im going through this. i just dont feel like broadcasting it for the world to see..

im not trying to be difficult or reject help. im just being honest, saying my point of how i have tried, and tried, and just failed, and failed.

[Ahorse]

Hi Jaceyka,

Good to hear from you and to hear your honest feelings about things. Many pretend things are OK when they are not so to hear you be specific is good.

Firstly, yes, no point at all in changing shrinks if you are moving in 2 weeks, waste of time of course.

You hate doctors. Me too. Most of them seem to know virtually nothing and many do not care at all. It's just a job to that type and is useless to us. I hate GP's more than shrinks as they try to cover every illness there is and thus over prescribe meds to many of us. Walk into a GP and say "I'm depressed" and they reach for the prescription pad and prescribe the latest drug the sales reps have talked them into. No interest in what you say, well you only get 5 minutes anyway so what can you say?

Shrinks? I've seen quite a few and most were indeed useless. I moved here and lucked out, got referred to a guy who has turned out to be brilliant for me. You won't believe this but he listens to me instead of what most do in telling us. He often gets his drug book out and reads it out to me and we discuss it. In short, he cares and always takes my phone call when I have a problem. I am lucky and he is why I always tell people not to stay with shrinks you don't get help from. He isn't the only good one.

Cutting is something that seems to start when one is a teenager and I hope you haven't hurt yourself too much. 10 years is a hell of a long time to suffer in that way though. But I am encouraged by you saying you will try not to do it.

Not much better than that could I expect. Many habits stay with us longer than we need them but still, stopping is not as simple as it sounds. You can but try.

I get the beautiful princess thing as you explain it. Not confusing at all. Many of us do similar things to try and protect ourselves from the horror show we live.

Psychs too have their fair share of loonies. I have also seen some bad ones there and swore off them until I wanted to try CBT. Got a good one then thank goodness.

With psychs and therapy I do not think we can achieve much at all with them until our moods have lifted, through meds. There is no other way if psychs don't help you see.

You've had trouble with meds, sounds awful. Most of us go through the crap shoot that finding a good med is. We get served up quite a number that either do nothing or hurt us and many of us are too frightened to say that or stop them. Madness.

I have a rule, for me, on meds. That is I will research them as much as I can before I put one in my mouth. If I think it's worth while I'll swallow and monitor both the good and bad effects. If I feel bad stuff then the med must have a timeline for how long that will last. Most bad effects seem to be at most 2 weeks so if it is longer than that I stop. But always in conjunction with my shrink. I never stop without consulting, that is bad news on it's own.

There have been some too where the side effects are just unbearable and I have had to stop them quickly as I won't tolerate some things. Again, talking to doc.

I've had depression since I was 10 and I now know why, who, when and all of that. It's been cumulative but at 10 a major event destroyed our family, fatal car accident. We were taught to ignore it, say nothing, and no grieving or funeral for us. Bad news as it made a lifetime nightmare for all survivors.

I have tried many meds but have one that I come back to as it seems to be the only one that actually works, for me. It's Effexor and I take it with lithium. That is the combination I was given 11 years ago when I'd been suicidal for many months and had forgotten to eat etc etc etc. I was finished, so I thought. That combo brought me back from somewhere I refuse to go again so I maintain meds still today. Think I will for life now as I refuse to go back to that place and those feelings. Vigilance.

SO I cannot disagree with most of your comments/experiences. My view though is if it's not good, then change until you find something that is good. That's docs, psychs, shrinks, meds, treatment, whatever. Don't accept something that is either hurting or not helping. I see you don't and that's good but I suspect you've let those experiences convince you none of it is any good.

There are good meds, good shrinks, pyschs and probably GP's (haven't found one myself yet).

If you want to recover you must persist. Working hard means being critical of yourself and your supports, including meds and therapy as well as the practitioners. Always be alert to going backwards and thrilled if you go forward. Once you do go forward you know it's possible, you see, so you hang on to that experience as we usually relapse and forget we came back at least that once.

Hospital? Sounds like you were not a volunteer patient and I'm afraid there is a general intolerance amongst hospital staff for those of us who they think are self inflicting. They are particularly anti self harm and react badly to that. They shouldn't as their job is to help but public hospitals seem to have this type of person at the admittance level. They sour your stay by gossip.

The shrink in the hospital? He/she did exactly what they are supposed to do in a hospital stay. Their job while we are there is simply to monitor our condition and prescribe meds. They are not expected to hold sessions with us as they have so many patients. Their focus is simply on our condition and that is why you get a brief visit only and only a small interchange. They use both physical appearance and verbal response as their measure of how we are going and they look for any signs of bad results from meds.

I too thought there would be more exchange of info etc but that's not how psych wards work. They do not expect to solve your problem while you are there, they are entirely focused on trying to raise your mood to a level where they feel you are "safe" again if admitted and much the same if self admitted.

The main thing with psych wards is being able to escape the real world for a time and relax as much as you can. You are fed, have nurses to monitor you and the shrink for the once a day visit, fleeting as it may be.

You say you are isolated and have that as your main cause of your illness. Of course being alone is going to make you feel bad as we all need people to relate to and just talking to someone else can be the tonic we need to get the strength to recover, do the hard work required.

I can't say to you "This is how you make friends", or "This is where to find friends" etc. It is all so individual that trying to tell you those things would be a fraud.

I do know though that making and keeping friends is hard work too. You have to give a lot sometimes and maybe get not much back but companionship. Many are looking for someone to prop them up and we seem to be good targets for that. That's OK if you can handle it as they do reward you with friendship too.

Work, of course, is the most likely place to achieve at least relationships where you can talk freely to people. With us though it can be a risk as people love to gossip and if we confide in them and they spread it work itself becomes a nightmare. We become paranoid thinking everyone is looking. If such a person does gossip then it's not paranoia, they are looking.

So it's a matter of having a friend's face and a misery face. We are good at acting aren't we? Except when we hit bottom. But we seem to be able to hide our true fear and so on from most people for at least short periods.

I'm opposite to you but I'm way older than you. I've lived and done just about everything I wanted to, despite depression ever lurking. These days I reject most of the human race and isolate big time. If I mix today with people outside they will do something dumb, infringe my space, be rude, just do something that irritates me. It is always so.

In days gone by they were just minor irritations I ignored but eventually I got to the stage where any little thing can make me explode. And I have, in public. The last day I was at work I was at the stage where someone was going out the window of the 7th floor. Me or one of them, I really didn't care. So I left work at that moment and haven't worked since.

My last major incident was about a year before that but in that workplace so it had built up for that long time before I cracked and knew it was over.

I have my partner, her friends and relatives and my children, all now adult (Well one is just turned 17!) so I am not a hermit and not alone. I have no fear of going out as I see my shrink and docs as needed. But I do fear how I may react one day to some idiot who crosses my path. SO I stay home mostly and have learnt so much about myself and learnt to be alone when the girls are away, without any fear etc.

It's so hard dealing with this horror show, it's just pressure, pressure, pressure isn't it. And seemingly no one worth while to help.

There is. You. You are the one who has kept you going this long and it will be you who drives you further to recovery. Once you do get a lift in mood and feel better though, do not abandon your treatment and discipline.

I did that so many times I must be a complete iddiot. Feel a bit better? Whoa, party time. And I partied. And crashed, wondering why. Bit slow obviously.

Keep in touch through here and pick apart anything I say you think is worthless, I don't mind as we are all different.

Good luck and I hope the move is to a better place.