causing pain and suffering

[darkness-]

ok, i could write about my whole past for hours and still everything wouldn't be said. i'm only 15 though and nothing really bad has happened. i think i'm depressed and at the same time i tell myself nothing is wrong with me, that i'm fine, that this is the only way to live my life.

point is, i'm addicted to cutting and enjoy hurting myself. well, it makes me feel worse sometimes but that again makes me feel good because i feel likt i deserve it, like that is a part of me. i cant imagine living without this depression anymore. i'm pretty sure it's depression because i well cut and because i have been suicidal, i see no point in life and feel down and sad without a real reason. i'm low on energy and am never motivated to do anything. all i do is write and that still sucks. lately i'm not even motivated enough to do that.

but before i go to deep into my story, i've never talked about my feelings with anyone, i pretend i'm happy. there was a time that i just started laughing when i felt like crying and everyone would look at me weird. i could lie straight through my teeth that i just felt good and was laughing because of that. during that period i wasnt able to cry, no matter how much i wanted to. my eye would only burn and it made me only feel more miserable.

my life has been going better in a way. i have a group of friends now and i might be seeing my best friend again for christmas but the dark feelings are still there if not worse. while i'm laughing and joking with friends i'm wondering if there would be a wya ot kill myself. and i'm disappointing everyone. i just cant get anything right. i was in danger of failing the grade but the teachers havent gotten back to that yet so i think i'll pass.

anyway, my main question was, why do i hurt myself (cut, pick at my skin, pull at my hair and pinch/hit myself, not drink when i'm thirsty, starve myself when i'm hungry and eat till i feel like throwing up when i'm full and like the feeling when someone is mad at me) when life is getting better?

[crystalgaze]

You may very well be the only one to have a specific answer to your question.

Maybe it is out of habit? Maybe there is a way to reprogram yourself to a different action.....?