The dark man

[stillwaters]

I was writing an email to my sister to help her understand me. She is a recently retired nurse and can handle a lot but once I started reading it over, I decided maybe it was inappropriate and would worry her so I took out the portion I have put here. I am not sure if anyone else can relate to the dark man or not but I have come to know he is a part of me and in some perverse way, it is kind of comforting to know he is there. Now thats sick! I can no longer tell if it is the disease or the medications but the good news is I have a meeting with the crisis team in 3 1/2 hours.

Anyway here we go

Although I have not been reading lately, you may know that I am a pretty big fan of Steven King. I have had this recurring thought recently and it reminds me of his work. There was a poem in some stupid movie I saw that is much like Steves stuff and he may even have written it but I don't think so.
It goes more or less like “Last night while going up the stairs, I saw a man who was not there. He was not there again today. I wish I wish he’d stay away. “
Kinda creepy eh? Anyway without trying to scare you I will try to explain something and maybe it will tie together. Please keep in mind I have no inclinations of self harm but once the cat is out of the bag it is out of the bag and wont go back in. Two years ago when I was having suicidal thoughts daily for about 9 months, it was a big step for me to admit it to myself. When I called a help line the girl helped me see it was my problems in particular I was trying to get away from, not necessarily life.
I wont say I have not had such thoughts since then (cause once the cat is out of the bag) but I kind of see it like the poem. In my minds eye though, the little man who promises to fix everything lives in a closet in the darkest recess of my mind. He usually keeps to himself now but a few times in the last 8 months I heard him whispering his promises and rattling the door handle.
I have no intentions of listening to him or hurting myself but I wish we had not met.

[Destination]

Hello,

I love Stephen King and I know what you mean about the dark man. He's always the one standing in the back of the crowd waiting for the blood to spill and all his words are lies. Just remember that, all his words are lies.

I know that there are people out there that can lie with such skill that everyone believes them. The one person they can't lie to is themselves. So if the dark man is part of you, then he is the part that is trying to lie to you.

Maybe you are trying to convince yourself that it will be ok to hurt yourself? Or maybe you are looking for a convincing reason to do so? Maybe your dark man wants you to blame something else so that it will be easier to hurt yourself?

These aren't questions you have to answer here. Just stuff to think about. And I'm not trying to accuse you of anything either. I think we all have a dark man somewhere inside. And he whispers to us in a reasonable voice, making bad things sound logical and rationalizing things.

I hope things will get better for you. Perhaps what you need is a Roland?

(( huggles if you want them ))

[stillwaters]

Hi Destination

Huggles accepted and greatly appreciated. Thank you for your responce and viewpoints. All quite accurate I would say and made by someone who I think has travelled a similar path to my own.

I saw the crisis team and was once again diagnosed with major depression and anxiety and possibly ptsd. A nurse will be coming to my home once a week starting Wednesday and I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Thursday. I hope I can get my meds straightened out and keep the dark man at bay.

I spent about 3 hours with the nurse/therapist and did not hold anything back. Interesting enough she advised me to stay away from the chat room here for a while. She thinks I am the type of person that reads too much into others statements and take everything personally and try to take responsiblity for others. Also because I have a need to help others and so many people in the chat rooms are hurting so much, my telling them I care and am sorry for them does not help a lot. I just seem to absorb their pain and make my depression worse without lessening theirs.

Ok thats all the whining I'm gonna do. I just checked my library and I have had Wizards and Glass since 1997 but Steve took so long writing it I had almost forgotten the story in the three previous books and have not yet read it. It is difficult for me to read now as I lose concentration quickly but I am going to give it another try. Maybe that will be my Roland. Or maybe you are for suggesting it.

Thank you again.

[Destination]

Roland was my favorite character out of all the King books, with the exception of Eyes of the Dragon. Prince Peter was my favorite in that one because he beat the odds and would not let his situation get him down. He was strong and I can only hope that I can be as strong as him!

Maybe the nurse is right about the chat room for now. I know that helping others makes me feel better, but not all the time. Sometimes I feel even more helpless or get sucked in by an emotional vampire. Maybe the thing to do is only visit the chat room once a week or something instead of every day? Only you know what is best for you.

I think that you are your own Roland. You have the dark man yes, but you aren't letting him win. You may be stronger than you realize.

I will be keeping you in my thoughts. I wish only the best for you!