Ive done it, now comes the real test.

[Waynec]

Good evening, I would like to tell you all, Ive done it. Ive just said no to meeting the ex and her daughter as " Just friends". She wanted to meet in our usual spot, the place where I fell in love with her. I just couldnt do it. I love her way to much to be just friends, she has someone else now, and thats whats killing me. Ive seen her a couple of times since the split, and it crushes me inside.

This is a HUGE step for me, as I love her with all my being, and I always will till my dying breath. But i gotta try to be strong, and not give in to her.

I cried on my doctor earlier, and im crying now, and im very very low now.

From this moment on, is gonna be the biggest test of my life. :"""(

[S-Coff]

Refusing to meet her is a big step, but at the same time - don't deny yourself closure. Before you cut her off completely talk it all out with her if you haven't already. Ask her why she wants to see you at all, seeing as she knows how you feel, and if she wants to see you, tell her to see you alone so you can actually talk properly. Don't leave yourself with any questions if there are some.

You should really talk to your therapist about this and discuss with them what is best for you.

[Waynec]

Hi. There is a ton of questions, and I know ill never achieve closure. She isnt the sort of person to allow me that. She just wants me around as a friend. She left me for another man, I cant bare to see her and not ne able to kiss her, hold her or make her smile like I used to. She left me in pieces, and there is only myself to blame. I see my therapist on wednesday, I just hope I can make it till then.

[mr_black]

There is a ton of questions, and I know ill never achieve closure. She isnt the sort of person to allow me that. She just wants me around as a friend. She left me for another man, I cant bare to see her and not ne able to kiss her, hold her or make her smile like I used to. She left me in pieces, and there is only myself to blame.

Congratulations on setting some boundaries. You CAN achieve closure, you just have to set the boundaries for it. She may have ended the relationship but you have the right, and power, to say where it goes from there as far as you're concerned. You have the right to decide if you even want to be friends or see her at all after the way things went down.

Best to cut all ties with her IMO, only then will you really start to heal. As long as you continue to keep seeing her on her terms you'll never get over it. Just flat out tell her that you don't think you can continue to be friends and take some power back from her. I'm sure if she told you she needed her space you'd respect it, you can do the same.

You only have yourself to blame if you allow her to keep putting you through this. Once you end things on your terms you'll feel a lot better about it in the long run.

[hollyann]

(((((Waynec)))))))) A relationship never fails because of just one person. You should be proud of yourself for saying no.

holly

[Waynec]

Thanks for the replies. I have gone cold turkey on her so to speak. Although her last text to me yesterday crushed me. I literally felt my heart break when I read it. One of the reasons she left me, was "we were going to fast". And last night she said her new man had met all her family, they were very serious, after just six weeks. I didnt sleep much last night, and when I did, all did was dream of her.

[balcony]

Waynec, the pain you feel is so real and so understandable. Your actions were brave and do not indicate "illness" Closure is a myth, no one ever finds "closure" when they love. BUT, people do go on and they love again, and again and again. It is never the same but it is still wonderful. I hope that is your experience as you continue on and I wish you peace and strength.

[Waynec]

Thank you for your support guys.
Just a quick update, she initiated a conversation on Tuesday, which I ignored. Well, to cut a long story short she wanted my advice on something, as she had no one else to ask. Me being the sort of person I am, I said of course. And the thing she wanted advice on was, her new fella wants to buy her a engagement ring, and she was wondering what she should do. Again, baring in mind we were "going to fast", and she has only been with this guy for six weeks or so. I got that message from her yesterday, and its sent me into a huge downward spiral, that is worse than anything Ive ever felt. Im finding new pains, and new lows, that I didnt think the human body was capable of. Im having huge pockets of the day missing, where I cant remember anything. Im so scared of myself right now

[mr_black]

Thank you for your support guys.
Just a quick update, she initiated a conversation on Tuesday, which I ignored. Well, to cut a long story short she wanted my advice on something, as she had no one else to ask. Me being the sort of person I am, I said of course. And the thing she wanted advice on was, her new fella wants to buy her a engagement ring, and she was wondering what she should do. Again, baring in mind we were "going to fast", and she has only been with this guy for six weeks or so.

Why do you think she asked you that? To make you feel good? Do you really think she didn't have anyone else she could have asked, or even needed to ask anyone about it? She wanted to make sure you knew it so you'd feel like crap. It's bound to happen every time you have contact with her. Haven't you suffered enough already?

I know it hurts, I've been married and divorced so I know what you're going through, but you're not going to heal as long as you keep letting her rub your nose in it every chance she gets. She's the one who broke off the relationship, you don't owe her anything and trying to be a "nice guy" about it is just torturing yourself. She's dogging you.

[kazza80]

Sounds like a user to me.
Your doing the right thing by ignoring her. Stay strong. I know how horrible it feels. But week by week you will feel better.
I was in a similar situation. Got dumped by man who was embarrassed to be seen with me for someone else. He kept making contact and trying to have sex with me. Asking for favours advice etc. Had to cut him out and be strong. Was quite surprised how quickly I got over it.

[Waynec]

Im trying, god knows Im trying. But the longer I go without her, the harder it seems to get. I just love her with all my heart, soul and being. I feel so lost without her. Ive took everyones advice, even to the point of buying a classic car to restore. But just functioning is a struggle.

[Spicefox]

Hello Wayne,

this woman is obviously not the one for you if she can treat you with what i feel to be dismissal. I'm glad you stuck to your guns and didnt meet her, its important to set boundaries that are right for you as it was her choice to end it, its your choice how you get treated here on out.

I'm sorry she won't give you closure, I've had that issue myself very recently I just didn't care for him all that much so I can get past it. Don't let her seek advice from you - that is incredibly cruel of her to put you in that situation. It seems like she doesn't care for your wellbeing at all.

I find the easiest thing to do is a clean break, theres always going to be hardy days and memories but at least they aren't around to exacerbate themselves as an existing problem in your life.

Hope you're doing better - I realise it's about 3 weeks later

[Waynec]

Hi Spicefox.
Thank you for the reply.
I am doing a little better since my last post. Ive cut nigh on all ties, and if I do reply to her, its the simplest and plainest I can be. Im still have very bad lows, when I get to thinking of her, and what we had, or when I hear a certain song etc. Last Thursday was very bad, as she sent me a pic of her, and what would have been my stepdaughter, looking very happy. I also saw her and him together in her facebook profile, and it destroyed me.

Its nearly three months since the split, and its left me exhausted. I think I may be all cried out now though, dont think I can give anymore energy to losing my true love.
Im looking to get back to work soon, and trying my best to piece my life back together.

Thank you again.

[stillwaters]

Hi waynec
It has been a very long time since I have been in a situation like yours with regard to your relationship, but I can certainly relate to the deprssion you are suffering as a result.
I agree with balcony that there is no such thing as closure when it comes to the loss of a loved one whether it be to death or in your case to another person. This is simply put, a part of life and we must learn to accept it. Accepting it however does not make the pain any less real. If we did not feel some emotional pain we would not be human.
Before going any further I want you to know that nothing I am about to say is meant to belittle or lessen your experience or feelings or to insult people you love or loved. It is just my perspective. It may help you (and I honestly hope it will) or it may be a huge pile of nonsense.
First I want to refer to a quote from Orson Wells, "We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone."
After many hours of self reflection I have begrudgeonly accepted that my depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain. The selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors I take allow me to think in a somewhat rational way (I will let you be the judge on that).
To me the next logical step in my theory is that all emotions are the brains reaction to chemicals the body produces based on external stimulai. Remember fight or flight. In the case of love it is Adrenalin, Dopanine and Serotonin. Love is a chemical induced illusion. Do not get me wrong because I, like most people I believe, love to be in love. If it is an illusion it is a wonderful one and it is no less real that the pain of depression and loss.
I do not believe there is a single love or the one true love for each person on earth. I believe we have the capacity to love infinitely. Wether the love is reciprical is based on the chemicals in others brains and we can no more control that than our suns place in the universe.
You did not lose your love. The emotions you felt, you will always have, although they are clouded now by your feelings of loss. Remember though, they are your feelings an no one elses.
I do not know why this woman is, in my opinion, stringing you along but I think it is a control issue. If she does not know that she is hurting you then she needs to be told. If she does know, and I suspect that she does, she is a mean person and you are better off without her in your life.
I am sorry you have to go through this and I wish I could just hand you some strength to deal with it. In the workings of my mind, that is what I am trying to do.
Good luck.

[Waynec]

Hi Michael.
Thank you for your reply.

Firstly, Ive taken nothing you have said as a insult, or otherwise. What you say makes perfect sense. I believe the depression, feelings etc are a chemical thing. I also agree, and somewhat relate to the Orson Welles quote.

I know people can go on and love again, a multitude of times, but there is the one part I have to disagree.
I believe god built one perfect person, for each and everyone of us, and I believe she was that one person. Thats not to say im not going to go on and love again, and be really happy. But Ill always know, in my heart, in my soul and in my core, that we are meant to be.
Ive come to the harsh realization, that she doesnt think otherwise, and it would be unfair to myself, or any other woman who wants to love me, to not move on from her.

All the feelings I felt for her, the passion, the love, the support was all so perfect, and so new, and so unreal to me, Ill always love her for it.

Im not good when it comes to the opposite sex, and Im not much to look at, so if anyone else happens along, ill not hold back, as sometimes a experience like can lead people to do.

I will always Love Her, no matter what. Ill never see her hurt or in pain, and I really do think she is waking everyday with the wrong man.
But if she is happy, and the little time we had together has helped her to her happiness, I happy I could help her.

Im reminded of a few words Ive used a lot lately, and I want to share them here.

"You never really know how lost you are, till someone finds you".