Depression back again Woo hoo! (triggering materail)

[Muskettcat]

Ok so I think I've had depression since I was 15. Long story short - Grew up in a strictly religious family - think my Dad has had depression his whole life (but doesn't admit it) Mum very 'up' normally - possibly has manic depression as well as health problems.

So I kinda crashed when I was 15, due to strict family life, peer pressure, the usual. Left home at 17 to live with Grandma and find a job in the city. Finally got over depression with the help of an aunty (kind of a role model) - started working etc, but never felt like myself again (I believe I decided to be 'strong' and not in touch with my emotions as I never wanted to go back to that black hole again)

Anyway, I learned to just 'survive' no real close friendships (like I used to have as in school) - just 'aquaintances' who I never became close to - just went out with and didn't even think of bfs at that time (possibly due to my religion growing up - sex b4 marriage forbidden etc - don't even date member of the opposite sex unless u wanta marry them blah blah)

Anyway, 10 years down the track, my Aunty (not the role model) tried to commit suicide. It shook me and I decided that I may as well put myself out there and start dating (doesn't seem related, but it was)

So went on internet dating site (a friend recommended it) met a crazy guy, stupidly 'agreed' to date him (Strangely, I felt sorry for him and that I should give him a chance - big mistake). Anwyay, he was very unstable, broke up with him and dated another guy - which didn't work out - I felt he was better than me blabh blah

Then met another guy who it worked out quite well with (he's from Brazil). He moved in after a few months (too fast I know). Anyway, 6 months later, he was told by immigration to leave the country (due to work reasons - he had been sponsored blah blah and was told he could apply for a student visa - but that was wrong info by immigration)

Anyyyhoooo, I should explain, I was strongly attracted to him, but he was kinda high maintenance - very jealous, bit controlling (due to his 'culture' he told me) I trained him out of most of it, but as I also have Chronic FAtigue Syndrome, it was wearing me out.

(I should explain that I'm not desperate for a bf either - I get a lot of interest from males - I just seem to be more attracted to guys from other countries - I'm Australian and Australian males don't appeal to me.)

Anyway, I think my problem is that I am naturally too sensitive and maybe caring? I don't know - sometimes I think I am very self-centred and selfish (but I had to become that way so as not to get depressed)

So, my bf left the country in Feb. We tried to stay in touch via fb, phone calls etc but not the same (but in a way I was relieved he wasn't living with me as it was tiring me out!) Plus he was still a little controlling/jealous (not that I let him get away with much)

Things had been going ok til in June, I changed my responsibilities at work and it got a bit too much. I left and spent 2 weeks with my parents in another state. I advised my boss what was going on - he was very supportive.

However, when I came back, of course my co-workers didn't understand what happened/where I'd been - so were a little negative. Anyway, I was back at work for 2 days - a co worker said somethign to me and it broke the straw on the camel's back. I left and kinda had a breakdown (again). I then got scared that I was unlovable and my bf would leave me. (He's never given that indication - very loyal) It's like my insecurities camme flooding back.

Anyway, I was at my parent's house for 3 months, came back to work a week ago - but it just doesn't feel the same - I don't feel the same. I can feel the depression creeping up. I've thought about suicide and feeling VERY depressed

Sorry for such a long post - just needed to get it out I guess.

Re-reading my post, it seems that I'm not depressed, but I actually am deeply depressed - it seems to be reflecting how I act in real life - covering over the depression - acting like everything's ok - probably so as not to distress pple close to me/my family etc.

I just don't wanta go back into depression ever again. I don't know how I'll get through it

[hollyann]

Hi Muskettcat, thanks for sharing with us here. Yes it can be hard growing up in very strict religious and even non religous families. And it can have a great impact on life. I know you don't want to fall down into depression, but sometimes if we do happen to fall down again what Ive noticed is it doesn't take as long to get back up. Plus you are realizing this stuff about you, how you feel, which means you are one step closer to changing it to a way that works for you. You can do this.

holly