Running Out Of Options

[indeediwill]

As this current moment, I'm a 25 year old man who is lost within this world battling depression. I'm an intelligent, but sometimes simple minded senior student at Philander Smith College. I have potential to achieve whatever I want to accomplish but I admit sometimes that doesn't interest me because I feel only I will either care or know of my accomplishments. I do not drink or smoke, even though recently I wasted money on some clear liquor in hoping it would wash my demons away because I heard it would help. Honestly, I couldn't pass the first drink of the 6 pack without feeling very disconnected from my normal box of being sober. I have so much anger towards plenty of people. I find very hard to truly forgive them. I simply want to just cry my eyes out at how my life turned out to be. I feel I have missed out on so much and have now way either living it correctly or even making it right. I am beyond depressed that my grades have slipped dramatically this semester. I sit in my room alone with my thoughts hoping one day I'll wake up and all of this will be a dream and I can properly go about my life as I see fit but sadly it doesn't. Everybody always say the day is "what you make it". How is that? Are you embracing the pain that ensues or are you acting like it doesn't exist. I cannot function that way. I have to face my problems and demons head on. I cannot pretend or go about my day without them being dealt with because they are something I generally care about. I can sadly say I know every flaw about myself: I have shot at people. I have put my hands on a female. I have neglected the church that I was saved because I am very shallow about me not being dressed the part to praise the God I feel that is all powerful, but also very unfairly fair in how goes about implanting us to this thing we call life. I do not dress up at school because I feel nobody notices me so it wouldn't matter anyway. I am very cold in dealing with my emotions. I do have nightmares of the many people I have hurt during my gang banging days. I see the blood shed down in liters that cause me to "choke" while I sleep and wake up sweating as if I was drowning in a pool of what I was representing then: BLOOD. The .38 snub nose was there for me where no parent or friend was when I wanted to vent about my struggles, my dealings with HW, me possibly going to college. That .38 was the only friend that didn't jam up when things got rough. I cared for it. I cried with it next to me. I wore it with me everyday. Kept some other tan colored friends in my sock. As I type on my phone, I am fighting back the tears knowing the pain of that HS kid that had everything in his life was going downward and everything being re-upped during this quarter if the year.

I rarely smile with a genuine reason. I put on this "clown smile" just make them not be suspicious of my true nature of emotions. I have issues. I admit that. I do not look forward to see the next day. I would give all of my material items I clouding this phone in which this submission is being created on for just to happy about seeing the day and being appreciative of that. I know that I'm not appreciative. I sadly have accepted this. I feel I have been through hell and back. I also feel that I am owed happiness. My dawn should've been here! These thoughts i have, no human being should have in their brain. why are they here?! why is this burden of dark clouds on me?! am i being punished for past efforts or lack there of?! I've been so used to the darkness that even when i am alone in my house, i have ZERO lights on. its my comfort zone. It makes me think maybe the life I want isn't for me. I could've ended my life a long time ago but didn't because I was interrupted by my Mom's key coming through the doorway of our house. Maybe I am destined to live this mental misery as a living grave. I want answers. I feel I deserve that at least. I have paid my dues god dammit!

Am I wrong for thinking that after many nights I could have given myself a permanent pain free outing with that loaded revolver in my hands? I have helped people, did what society told me to do by going to school, apologized to the young lady that I had physically hurt. I've done it all even though I didn't understand it. I'm tired of being judged. I'm tired of people f****** me over. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of life. I just peace of mind.

Guess I won't get what I want after all. All I want is an explanation. Guess that's too much to ask for.

[fallen]

Budda said "that life is pain" and he was right.
it hurts to breathe to think , to be .
but here you are going through this.
you are unique but your pain or questions are not
i treat people with kindness and respect whether i like them or not
i do good deeds towards others, be it a kind word, or kind action
you are not defined by your past but what you are in the present moment
to become a better person we must confront the blackness within
you may never get rid of your depression but when you leave this mortal coil
people will remember you as a kind person who suffered but persevered.
take care of yourself