Opening the Door

[Mich]

I need to find a way to open the door that I have kept tightly locked for so long. By opening the door, I mean feeling the feelings I have about the abuse I suffered and letting them out so they no longer poison my insides. I am now talking to my psychiatrist about what happened to me. I am stating facts and doing it in a very clinical way. Sometimes the odd tear will roll down my face but I like to present in a very stoic way. It is helping somewhat to hear the facts said out loud but I don't think I will get any real healing until I allow myself to feel what I have been bottling up for so long. I think I am feeling things slightly but not to the extent that I need to.
I am afraid of those feelings. Afraid of the force they may have and how they might come out of me. I am afraid I will lose control. I am afraid I will look foolish. I am just so tired of carrying this around all tightly bound up and I desperately want relief. Living with the despair is torture and I need to find the strength and the trust to let these feelings go. The longer I keep them unexpressed, the more I turn them inward and the more I continue to self destruct. I am hoping to be able to do this very soon.

[crystalgaze]

You can do it Mich....!!! You've been doing GOOD! I hope you know that! I'm cheering for you, ok? ((((((((((((((((((( Mich ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[xn728]

Even here mich i have told my secrets ,,and it does help ,,i know you are not telling them here ,,but you know what im saying ,its better when those things so painful and secret are set free from your soul ,and your mind ,sometimes before the internet and the forum ,,i would write my pain down on bits of paper ,,and then i would burn them ,,it worked ,i still have pain of course ,,but i think the pain i have within me know is the pain i created by being the wayward youth i was ,,please try to open that door ,and let some pain go ,,you will have to be strong ,but we will stand and hold you ,,,you can do this thing mich ,,i feel your will and strentgh ,,
hugs (((((mich))))),,lots of love ken xxx

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((((Brother Ken)))))))) is so right (((((((((Mich)))))))), and you are wise to think about getting this poison out of you. I understand your fear completely, with feelings/pain of such depth and bottled up deep inside just so you can cope, letting them risks a temporary overwhelming force and worsening of your condition, but ultimately I believe letting them out will help in letting them go and finding a taste of healing. Sometimes when I cry, not always, but sometimes afterwards I feel a sense of relief after I do...a release...I know there are times I have posted about pain here that temporarily made it worse but only briefly, ultimately it was freeing...it is just like cleaning out a wound before you stitch it up, has to be done, but oh so painful to do.

I know you have the courage, the strength, and the willingness to do this when you can...I have seen you bravely open up, push on despite depression to care for your family or offer support here, and a determination to do what it takes, like going to the hospital when you needed to or forcing yourself to eat something when every fiber of your being recoiled against it. You have much more courage, strength, and willingness than I think you recognize in yourself...but I recognize it in you.

One thing a therapist said to me long ago, what would you say to a young girl who was experiencing what you did and how would you feel about her? If your daughter suffered as you did, you would be overwhelmed with compassion; my hope is that you learn to feel that compassion for yourself.

I didn't have it as bad as you with my parents, but my dad traveled a lot and my mom was working and busy with my little brother as the baby and carting the two older kids around...a therapist classified me as the "forgotten one" and it really hit home. Over the years of my father's illness I became close with him and I get to spend a lot of time with my mom, which makes up for the lack of attention I received when I was a kid. For you, maybe the horrible, horrible childhood you experienced, once released fully, can in part be healed by lightening your load and then concentrating on making your kids and husband and you a truly happy, healthy close knit family to compensate for the one that you never had. And my biggest wish for you is that you would learn to nurture yourself in positive healthy ways and love yourself as we love you here and your family loves you, and learn to truly feel that love...