bad day

[smh]

well today started ok. i spent the last few days working on this really difficult essay for college and i handed it in today and it was amazing for me because i don't usually put much effort into my essays but i put a fair bit into this ine and even though i'm not sure if i passed or anything it did make me feel proud just to know that i was handing in a piece of work that i had put effort into. i went into town then with my friend and she met up with her boyfriend and immediately i felt awkward. i was the third wheel and was forced to wwatch them just nglowing with happiness in eachothers company. i waited a little while then made an excuse to leave after a reasonable amount of time had passed so it didn't look obvious.. it just made me feel so horrible and that cloud just descended over me once again. i don't think its necessarily a boyfriend that i'm looking for but i want to feel happy and i'm so jealous of those that have it! it brings me down so much and after making some progress with college today it just seemed like it was completely turned upside down, i wish i felt better know i really do. i'm just so glad that i could write this forum as its almost my only outlet for my feelings and the only thing that made me feel slightly better was knowing that i could pour out my bad feelings here. i'd really appreciate a response if people have time. thanks

[shatteredhopes]

I know exactly what you mean about feeling good about something, then something sends you on a downward spiral. I was feeling slightly better last night because I put some effort into something, good this morning, then sprialed seriously down. And little things, like a commercial for a dating site, or just about anything can trigger bad feelings so I totally understand how seeing your friend with a boyfriend all happy and such made you feel bad. I am sure like me you are glad for others who are happy, just tired of hurting and want to be happy yourself.

Is there anything nice you can do for yourself? Watch an old movie or make a milkshake or something? Can you close your eyes and just fantasize a little about something you would like to do, like climb a mountain or go skiing or achieving a dream or goal you might have? Can you write down three things in addition to the project you feel proud of yourself for...like the research that went into it, not losing it with your friend despite being upset...sometimes I do that, write down positive things about myself or my day that help me feel slightly better.

I don't know if any of those things might help...but BIG HUGS. We are here for you.

[smh]

thank you so much shatterhopes! just knowing theres someone there and getting a reply like that really helps. yeah i was quite proud of myself for how i handled the situation with my friend yesterday cuz i wud usually just clam up and try not to cry in a situation like that but instead i tried talking a bit (i'm not the greatest at being social or just making conversation with people i don't know that well or just guys in general), i said a few things so much so that i really don't think my friend knew anything was wrong and the essay helps me feel a bit better too.. i am a great fan of chocolate when i'm feeling down but have started to put on a good deal of weight lately. i really don't think i'll be able to give that up though cuz its one of the only things that calms me down and makes me feel good for a while and not just chocolate but most junk food and i spend a lot of money on food especially when i'm out at college. today i've work this evening. i'm not really thrilled about that, sometimes i'm ok when i get there and other times i can just put myself into the worst possible mood and make it drag out for myself. anyway i hope u are well today, let me know either way, good or bad its good to have someone to talk to that understands.

[shatteredhopes]

I am so that way too, comforting myself with junk food...but I realized it is ultimately making my depression worse, so I working on making some minor changes, but its a hard habit to break! Dark chocolate is actually very good for you with anti-oxidants a such if not too much sugar...anyway, hard hard thing to do, but if you can manage to exercise that might pick up your spirits in the long run...is there a gym you can use at your college? Something fun like get a belly dancing video to learn how or aerobics to music? I know it seems like depression makes impossible some of the very things that would help our depression...its a catch 22 and self-fulfilling cycle.

There are a lot of caring people on this site, so keep posting and I am sure many will reach out to you!

I am glad for you that despite being upset, you didn't let it totally destroy your self-esteem, realizing you put a lot of work and effort into that project and you held it together with your friend (which I imagine was very hard) so you have reason to be very proud of yourself!

Thanks for asking about me...I am struggling but hanging on! Right now I just try to get through the hour or day, not worry so much about the future.

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Congratulations on writing that essay! Respect is due!!!! I remember writing essays when I was at university, so be proud of yourself that you completed a good piece of work and handed it in. That is a real piece of progress in living your life and moving towards your college qualification. ( In a spirit of strict historical accuracy, I have to admit that not EVERY one of my university essays was handed in on time... )
Also, as a singleton myself, in what sometimes can feel like a world of couples and families, I really can appreciate the whole " feeling like a third wheel " thing, and you did handle it well. For depressives like us handling what can feel like a rather delicate " social moment " like that can take quite a lot of emotional energy. At least it does for me. So, handling such a situation with the poise that you did is another good bit of progress. ( I find I have to think quite a lot about such things sometimes. Eg: I don't want to be a gooseberry, but I don't want to seem unfriendly, etc...) I know that I need to be among people, but sometimes I have to rather " work " at what, I hope, seems casual, even confident, social interactions.
I can also understand your feelings of feeling " swept away " by feelings of depression, loneliness and your world suddenly darkening. To tell the truth, my day has left me feeling rather that way myself.
However, I'm trying to rein in " and " reframe " my feelings, as best I can. I think of it a bit like being a sea vessel swept before a sudden squall at sea. It may feel that my ship is being blown helplessy off course, but I can lower an anchor, ( Concentrate on something positive perhaps, a happy memory, or something to look forward, however small, just to have something good to distact myself with. Eg: I'm looking forward to seeing a new episode of the Mentalist, season two tonight, Ah.....Agent Lisburn...... Sighs, longingly......! )
Or, I can turn into the wind, acknowledging how bad I feel, but knowing that the world ISN'T as BAD as I FEEL. Knowing, from experience that my mood can go UP as well as down, and something is bound to pleasantly and productively distract myself from feeling low in the, hopefully not too distant, future.
Also, please remember, ( Note so self to remember this too! ), however, bad your day may be now, however bad you may feel now, that DOES NOT invalidate all the progress you HAVE made in your day.
Eg: your essay is just as good when you're feeling low, as it was when you were perhaps feeling more positive.
Sometimes our lives are going to feel like " two steps forward, one step back ". BUT, however, frightening, lonely and depressing that " one step backwards " may be, it is STILL only one step backwards, and even subtracted from two steps forward, you're still one step forward towards wherever it is that you're going, than you were.
" Hopes may be dupes, but fears can be liars ", in the words of the poet. I find that sometimes I have to guard against the illusion, ( An illusion perhaps particularly strong in depressives? ), that my negative feelings are more " real " than my " positive " ones, that my " backsliding " is more " real " than my " progress ". I tell myself that that ISN'T TRUE.
A bad day doesn't wipe out or " invalidate " the progress made on a good day, a bad day doesn't mean that tomorrow can't be a good day. For you, me, hopefully all of us.
( OK, OK, enough preaching from me. For one day anyway.......! )