Two Camps

[Mich]

I am living in 2 camps right now. First, the camp that is trying hard in therapy, hoping that expressing the pain from the past is my ticket out of depression and anorexia. Second, the camp that is the self destructive me...starving, cutting and purging. I cannot seem to put all my faith in the first camp and if I am having intense feelings outside my comfort zone of the doctor's office, I resort to my self destructive behaviours. I am so full of shame, anger and fear related to my past. I seem to be able to let it out in little dribbles, but cannot get rid of enough of it to give me any relief.
I am struggling right now. Physically, I am in a weakened state due to lack of food and drink. Emotionally, I am trapped in this depression that never lets go. I had a few sips of sugar free hot chocolate this morning so that is a move in the right direction. I have very strong feelings though that I should not consume anything else today. I am not sure how I will work through that.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

It seems to be my day to be able to offer little other than moral support. But, you have that from me for whatever that's worth!!!!
All I can do is ask you to please hang in there, please try not to " beat yourself up " about being only human.
Sometimes all any of us can do is hold on and try to give the " first camp " just a little advantage as much as we can.
Please forgive me for what might sound like a cliche, but I believe isn't, I remain convinced that you ARE stronger than you think!!!!
Please don't give up hope!

[xn728]

hey ((((((mich)))))) i know your weak from not eating properly ,,something i can understand i dont eat coz it causes me physical pain ,,i know yours is differant ,,,but we,ll you have got to go on ,,hard as it may be ,,have strentgh ,,i will send you some in these words a gift ,,,
hugs (((((mich ))))) from someone who cares so much how you feel ,,,,
lots of love ken xxxxx

[Mich]

My hunger is extreme but its pain is blocking out the emotional pain of my past so I will continue to go hungry. I had a good psychiatrist appt today but as usual it has left me with much to think about....which causes the painful emotional feelings. I don't think I have adequately communicated to my psych about the hurt and pain I feel after the appts...for days....and then it is time for another appt.

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((Mich))))))))) I don't know what to say my sister, so worried about you. Wish you would wax your legs or something to give yourself some productive pain to distract from emotional pain. Does your pyschiatrist have any helpful suggestions? In a way I guess I am glad I can't afford therapy right now as I wouldn't want to have to dredge up everything then be left after the appointment...but sometimes things get triggered and come up anyway...

Just worried for you. Afraid of heart failure, dizziness and faint making you hit your head or fall and break your neck...just seems so risky. Wish there was something else you could do...not judging you just worried for you, and sad that you are in so much pain.

If I could wish something for you, it would be that you take back your power from your abuser and nurture and comfort yourself in ways you should have been as a child, as you are deserving of good things and healing...you are special, you are kind, smart, loving, and devoted parent. You just have so much to offer, I only hope that the therapy will start to lighten the load soon.

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

[xn728]

keep fighting my dear freind and allie (((((mich ))))) so much pain and again you answer my thread ,,i be walking the ferrets soon and lighting the candle ,,at 4 pm ,,,it will always burn summer or winter ,,,you take good care mich ,,i promise we will see better times soon ,,hugs lots of love ken xxxxx

[Mich]

(((((shatteredhopes))))))) ((((((((ken)))))))))

Thank you both for being here. Please don't worry....I am drinking now, just not eating. I am not at a dangerous weight. I have managed 1/2 cup of sugar free hot chocolate and 1/2 teaspoon of peanut butter today. My weight is dropping and it makes me feel comfort. Comfort in knowing that I am disappearing...my physical self is becoming smaller.

I am at such odds with myself. I am really trying in hard in therapy...trying to open up more and talk instead of writing everything down. Then I come home and proceed with destroying myself. It doesn't make any sense. How could I be working at both ends of the spectrum?

[xn728]

hey (((((mich )))))),,,i wish i could say more about the eating issue ,,or not eating issue ,,,,,and you know i feel like ive been ignorent ,,i do understand that the pain it brings you is as strong or even stronger than my differant pain ,,but i feel i should now more about it ,,,i may read about it tonight on the net ,,just to know more ,,hope you dont mind me saying this ,,,but for now ,,just have anything to drink at least your getting a little inside you ,,it must be so hard to have this mental ,,and phycical ,torment at the same time ,,,my love is with you mich ,,keep posting ,,it does me good as well as keeping yourself in touch ,,,,hugs for now (((((((((mich))))))))) lots of love ken xxxxxx

[crystalgaze]

Mich.... I just wanted to send a hug!

((((((((((((((((((((((((( Mich ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[shatteredhopes]

I don't know, I can't speak for you...but here's what I think...it is so hard to open up deep wounds in therapy when you are only there 55 minutes or so, when the rest of the week you are left alone with those raw wounds and recalled memories and fresh-again pain...so you are doing things to physically harm yourself to distract from the emotional pain...sometimes I know when my knees hurt and I am stuck in bed, I can't think of anything but how bad they hurt, and honestly I have the urge to HIT them, as if that would somehow distract from the bone pain or beat the pain, punish the pain...

It could be also with so much shame and deep wounds, you are punishing the pain in that sense...feeling so low that you somehow "deserve" to be in pain and you punish yourself...defying in essence the "cosmic" forces that allowed the painful events of the past to happen to you, as if to say, I can hurt myself so you can't, or I am here, see me, see how much I hurt? The type of abuse you experienced can maybe made you feel like you don't matter, your feelings don't matter, so this is a way of asserting your realness, your very existence, by showing you exist, for if you feel pain, then you are...you also said the getting smaller makes you feel like you are disappearing, but you know logically that once you eat again after having been in starvation mode your body will hang on to every little bit and be the opposite of a successful strategy to loss weight...maybe you feel like filth from what you endured and that is what you are attacking, that filthy feeling...but that is a feeling from what you endured, it is not the real YOU.

My hope for you is that you can work with your doctor of thinking of positive, comforting things you can do to nurture you through the in-between times while you are going through this tough therapy. That you can practice thought stopping with the self-punishing actions and re-direct...is there some writing you could do that would be painful but a catharsis when it is done? Waxing your legs? Doing yucky chores like scrubbing the toilet or floor? It seems like you need the pain of hurting yourself, as if you somehow feel you deserved the horrible things that happened to you, that you are punishing the person you are instead of loving the person you are and nurturing the child inside who is hurting in any way you can. I am the opposite, I avoid pain at all costs and life brings enough on its own and I suffer physical pain so I am always trying to comfort myself...too much...that I don't clean my house because its miserable repugnant work, that I treat myself to too much junk food to comfort myself instead of eating more healthy, that I spend money I don't have on some things sometimes I cannot afford to give myself a boost, etc.

If only I could give you a little of my extreme and you could give me a little of yours, we would balance!

You didn't deserve the pain you endured growing up nor the depression and PTSD you have now; you are a GOOD PERSON ((((((((((Mich)))))))))) and I would so love it if you could find ways to reward and comfort the person you are who has endured sooooo much and deserves some relief.

I am so proud of you for drinking something and eating a taste of peanut butter...at least that will give you a little protein. From everything I have been hearing, when the body is in distress, the mind will be in even more. So it becomes a self-perpetuating, exponetially expanding cycle of pain...

I am determined to turn things around, it won't happen overnight, but to take some positive steps in the right direction. Won't you join me? Can we do this together and help each other achieve a little more balance?

Sending love and hugs and friendship your way...

[xn728]

MORNING (((((mich))))),,just saying hi hope your not doing to bad today ,,
its very cold today mich a keen frost but the sun is shining,,,i hope i may get to sit in its warmth again later ,,i would like to feel that nice moment again ,,,you take care ,hugs (((((mich))))),,i will talk to you later ,,lots of love ken xxx

[Mich]

((((((((shatteredhopes & ken)))))))) You both are such a comfort to me. Your words are so wise and so caring that I feel like I can get through this. You are so right shatteredhopes that it is so hard to be in therapy for 50 minutes and then be dismissed to cope with the aftershocks on your own. I am really struggling with this. Through starvation, I am trying to create a pain that is greater than my emotional pain with the thought being that then I won't feel the emotional pain. In a very sad statement, it also comforts me to know that I can take this starvation to the nth degree if I have to and disappear to nothing. I am down another pound this morning and it drives me on to lose more. To become the nothing that I feel like. I will try to "join the fight" with the 2 of you and give up this self destructiveness. I will go and try to eat something now.

[xn728]

i did read something about your pain (((((mich ))))) and i found it very upsetting ,,and i do understand a little better now ,,the misery it must be fighting with the weight and food and then your mind ,,its not easy is it for you ,,,but your words here are of a strong person ,,,please eat tommorrow for all of us mich ,,but do it for yourself and your family ,,,
we,ll always be behind you mich ,,and we,ll never stop loving you ,,,,
hugs for now (((((mich))))),,,,lots of love ken xxxxx

[xn728]

hi ((((((((((mich))))))))) just would like to say goodnight my dear freind ,,i hope you ate today ,,but if you couldent i understand better now ,,just look after yourself ,,as hard as it may be ,,i need your strentgh as much as you like mine ,,stay safe hugs ((((mich )))),,,,,love ken xxx

[Mich]

I have eaten today. A few tic tac candies at 1.9 calories each and half a veggie patty for 60 calories. Also lots of black coffee. That is it for today. I am in a state where I don't care what happens because of this. I feel that this is a "more acceptable" mode of self destruction compared to the overdoses I have taken in the past. Sick and twisted thinking rules my brain these days! I know it's irrational and yet I continue to think it. I am giddy with excitement at the prospect of tomorrow's scale reading...hoping for another drop. The anorexia feeds the depression and the longer I go without proper nutrition, the deeper my depression gets and my quality of thinking diminishes. For now, I am selfishly continuing on in this way. I have lost quite a bit of weight but my family does not say anything...I don't think they really notice. My doctor notices and urges me to take care of myself. I am a physical wreck on so many fronts. My daughter is often hesitant to invite friends over here and I do wonder if she is embarassed at the way I look. Perhaps in a few days I will come to my senses and stop this destruction. The hunger gnaws away in the pit of my stomach and my light headedness makes me feel faint. I do make sure I eat a bit of something if I am going to drive the car as I would never want to hurt anyone else. There are so many things that drive this disease in me. It is painful and therefore dulls my emotional pain. It provides an identity of sorts for me....I can label myself as "anorexic". It provides a punishment that I believe I deserve for tolerating childhood abuse. It gives me a sense of competency....I am good at starving and don't believe I am good at much else. It's a very hard disease to beat. I have been in treatment twice and the second time I managed to hold a recovered weight for quite some time. I may have recovered my weight but I have never felt that I have cured my thinking. I won't be returning for treatment for this. It's something I have to do on my own now. The first step will be learning to give a damn. I am horribly selfish in being this way and absolutely hate myself for it but I just cannot stop now.....or is it WILL not stop???