Feeling like the walls have caved in (quite long post)

[EmmaliciouS]

At the point were am lifeless really. Don't enjoy things, been poorly because i'm not drinking or swallowing food, tummy bug, can't get over last October, passing of several family members leaving me now alone, can't get a job if it walked up & slapped me across the face, house is practically bank owned now which on my rate with what i have means i'm about as soon-to-be homeless as a rat, live on my own & hate it, no hug for what seems forever.. going on 7 months, no friends or family, only support i get is cold calling helplines for company..

It's pathetic, feel hate ridden.. so hate ridden, torn up between a bitter hate for myself & for the world. Just want a cuddle, that is it, purely, am a 20 year old single woman & am sick of feeling like a steamed turd, people avoid me as people always avoid depressive types, paradoxical because in avoiding the depressive types all it does it isolate the person further & hinder any form of progression, it isn't a case of 'oh i'll let them be' it's selfishness to avoid the person who'll bring you down, sod all good it does for anyone.

I know it's egotistical, to whine & complain about the negatives in life when there are people in places like Chilie & Haiti etc. I know, but even so, it's a preconceived opinion that because a person is born in a 1st world country instead of 3rd world that they instantaneously receive the benefits of such. Understand all that & stuff, don't mean be a bad person & go down the 'i know it's terrible for them & stuff but i don't get how it stops me flirting with death' kinda angle. But, yeah, i guess i understand the things i got & appreciate them but it's all tainted. Don't have friends or family & am living on borrowed time in a house that's probably being lost within days with no were to go once the proverbial brown goo hits the fan, appreciate the fact that temporarily i do have shelter & .. stuff.. *struggles to think of other things * but i mean, ugh, i dunno. Fed up, distressed, pathetic & just angry and sad.
I feel let down by the world, you know? I don't have any criminal history, never done nothing bad, say my Ps and Qs and stuff, and i pray, and never done anything i shouldn't have or been iffy, didn't even do any of that underage stuff, most i never did or thought of until was like 18/19 anyway, and am only 20 now. Give to charaties & all that, not trying make myself sound any good but point is i'm not the devil but just always feel betrayed by society. Leave school, get a job, get a house, get married, retire and pass on.. but it don't ever go that way, get kicked from your education & made redundant & your partner leaves you & your house goes to the bank.. if i skinned puppies or something then fine, is what's deserved, but don't get it.. isn't fair.

Know life isn't fair, but then what's the justification to be a good person if good things don't happen to good people? Is pretty evident nobody in this or the afterlife could give a fudge about my well being so again, why bother with doing good things. Guess i'm ranting, just depressed, as per usual, drag my sorry butt to citizen's advice for some arrogant over-paid business exsec to patronize me about financial planning when is turds like that indulging in their fat bonuses' crippling the economy & preventing millions from employment, but whatever, society says he has a suit which makes him better (>.>)
Holier than thou.

There's no way of doing thing's anymore, anything i can i compromise. I want to be huggled & made safe from everything but i don't get luck 'cos of my sexual orientation it's difficult, can't casually meet, don't want anything intimate i just want a sodding cuddle, am not resorting to online, people get the wrong idea. Besides i don't want to, don't think it's fair, bad person can just pick someone up & get them pregnant & married, cheat & move on all over again & live to the age of 90. Logic of life is backward and unrewarding, tainted & unjust, cruel.

Other thing is security, no job, no money & now soon to be no house, how is it fair.. i paid every single sole solitary bill but i lose my job & where's support? I got a 1 monthly bye plus mortgage payment extension which obviously i missed as i don't have a job (>.>), acheives nothing but postponing the inevitable, inevitable arrives & ta ta house. Fat bank managers to take my house from my feet, why.. what purpose, are all rich & don't need it, but i'm sure they all have lovely homes & children & partners, because life rewards the people it should in actual fact it should be punishing.

Just cross, have given up on myself & it feels like the world is happy to of brought me to the point of sheer self-destruction, like it was on a mission. Figuratively speaking isn't spending all day with helplines a meaningless existence? Why protect a meaningless existence? I get to these times at night where i don't wanna wake up tomorrow morning, then if you think about it, that would for all reasoning be a good thing. Afterall i wouldn't be bitter no more, world wouldn't need to invent new ways to screw up every little thing in the most insanely cruel of ways & blabbering on about my junk can only frustrate & depress other people so not speaking out on that would help society as a whole too.

I dunno what good this post will do, or why i bothered making it, hasn't made me feel any better or any worse. Sorry i wrote so much, thought eventually it may start to feel good but nah, why would it of done.
Anyway, will post it, no point writing that to then delete.
Will go get intoxicated & see how feel when i come around.
Ta ^^

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I wish that I had something wise, uplifting, practical or even vaguely useful to say....
Is there any chance of being forgiven, if I resort to the same cliches that keep me afloat, when I feel the same way that you do?
The FACT is that there IS only one of you. The world WOULD be diminished without you, if you just give up.
Also, I keep telling myself this, there is no way of KNOWING what the future may bring.Things may even get better for all of us......Stranger things have happened!
The way I see it, if no-one can know what the universe would be like without them, how can anyone be SURE that their life is meaningless?
Also, ( CLICHE ALERT! CLICHE ALERT! But, it is true.....! ), at the age of 20 you really are young to be deciding your life is over, that's my honest opinion. I'm better than twice your age, and there are times that I feel as if I'M only just begining to understand myself, my life, the world...
So, rest well, hope the hangover isn't too bad. And then please hang in there if you can.....( Not that I'm one to nag.....! )
Seriously though, thanks for posting, take care of yourself. You are worth it!

[EmmaliciouS]

Thanks Tacking, i dunno, am not getting anywhere you know. Just always goes to a darker place, isn't like a bad day is followed by a easier one.. it's unrelenting. Fed up of full well knowing that waking up the next day will bring a equally trying day that stands more chance of being more difficult than the previous.
Suppose is fair being the whole 20 thing & stuff, am super immature too for my age, don't act 20, don't act 2! Heh, well i do but barely
Am learning & stuff but not in a good way, is all very very very forced, am knee deep in thousands of pounds of debt & am without family now, still feel young but am being forced to live like a full blown adult, not just a adult though but completely independent & self-reliant and i can't do it, am not strong enough & flat out don't wanna. Not 'cos am a baby, but 'cos am not ready, but haven't a choice, depressed because of it.

Your right that nobody knows what the future brings but i just don't like it's look, i mean, 3 and a bit years ago, i was 16 and pretty happy in school, got progressively worse since then, isn't like the future could be better if am jobless & homeless & in debt. Looks bleak, maybe get some luck, could i guess win the lottery.. ugh. It really sucks, isn't like i want the world, all i want is to keep my home. Will be happy, in time get employment, maybe meet someone at work and have a nice friendship/relationship or just nab a hug or two every so often. But the problem is the house is going & the job's aren't coming. I just can't plausibly see a good outcome, am looking at taking a loan out to buy a caravan just so i won't be living rough.. thing is i can't even drive yet, i dunno what am supposed to do! Isn't like i can talk to a family member or a friend, i have none left of either, too immature to get it all right, making mistakes all the time. Dunno how am supposed resolve all this garbage when all i wanna do is be silly and playful. Ugh.

Thanks nice words though, guess am i dunno too crushed to do better with the advice, just can see myself on the street soon and i'm terrified, isn't gonna get no better and already sucks. Just don't know what to do and i haven't got any time left to figure it out.
Hate my life so much, do want to die, isn't like i'm raging against that, just wanted everything to be ok, just isn't getting ok or even getting close or even looking like it could ever plausibly get close.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I can understand how scared you are. I know how it feels when it seems that the world is a cold, cruel, threatening place that will any minute sweep aside your remaining defences and roll over you without even noticing. I get that feeling a lot, guess I'm not exactly the bravest of men!
I was unervingly close to being homeless myself once. I'd argued with my then-landlady and my tenancy was scheduled to end on the last day of December. I ended up finding a new place to live on Christmas Eve that year in the last property rental place that I tried, that was fortunately still open on the afternoon of that Christmas Eve!
Truthfully, I can't really think of much practical advice to give you. I'm assuming that you've contacted your local authority for advice on emergency housing? And, beyond that I'm afraid I'm out of ideas.
All I can think of that I may be able to offer is different point of view, perhaps? There have been times over the years when I've felt like giving up on my life, and have come alarmingly close to doing so. So, close that I finally decided that I could never allow myself to consider that option again. I've lost jobs, lost places to live, ( Although, I didn't own any of them. ), made a total exhibition of myself by crashing and burning due to depression, anxiety, stress, etc...,and If I'm honest if I saw my parents or sister walking towards me, I'd probably try to duck into a doorway to avoid them.
But, looking back on all my " life-crises ", ( GENERAL QUARTERS, GENERAL QUARTERS, INCOMING CLICHE! ) not matter how scared, isolated, hopeless and alone I felt, somehow I muddled through, Dignity not necessarily intact , but I'm still here. And, looking back I can see that if I had ended my life when I was 31, 34, or 36, I would have missed so much, ggod times, precious experiences, as well as bad times and problems.
I just hope that you can manage to give yourself the same chance, the chance to look back from a better future that I would still like to believe is possible for us all, and gain confidence from realising that you coped with all the times and problems that you didn't think you could cope with...
I hope that this post doesn't seem empty or trite, but as my psychiatrist once told me, people are surprisingly resilient, and I'd like to think that we'll all prove him right by somehow muddling through.......

[EmmaliciouS]

Thanks sharing that, nice you pulled through & stuff, suppose could get better.
In all honesty am too demoralised to find any solace in anything today. Been a frustrating one.

Yeah i can be housed temporarily, will most likely just lounge at my cousin's for a while, we get on ok & he's only a train ride away. Guess am just down because i moved into his last summer when everything fell apart, didn't wanna exactly resort back to relying on old resources again.. does nothing for progression. That, and it still doesn't do much.. maybe find a job whilst am up there, always a chance i suppose. Full of negativity about it though, didn't really like being there, council estate with two boys.. worries me, bit frail & wimpy these days, not exactly best traits to go to a male dominated area in. Just one of a gizzilion fears though, so no panic. Just didn't wanna lose the house, unrealistic i can pull through financially so stopping the loans before i go friggin' bankrupt, no point trying to salvage the situation. Is crushing to think you have a 200+thousand pound house that is going to the bank, you get nothing back. Am sure if my arms weren't attached someone would steal them. Lousy country, lousy people & almost hysterical laws.

I suppose is one positive of this, hypothetically i could just grab a bag & passport & go run. Always liked the look of France & know the language quite well, has crossed my mind to raid the house & sell it's contents within the month & set off before anybody notices. Have my deadline date, but until then the property is legally mine & i can as see fit do as i wish, so it has crossed my mind. Problem is just accommodation. See this is the other thing, i don't got anyone to ring up & ask advice for on nothing like this, having make very important decisions & i haz a skull devoid of a brain, not the brightest, hell if i know what to do.

Didn't seem a empty post hun, i reckon if life was to get better (hypothetically) in the future then could look back & draw strength from succeeding. Suppose am just at a crossroads as to what to do, but the directions all point toward a rubbish heap is the difficulty.

But yeah, i just don't really know what to do. Am a very angered & demoralised person nowadays.
Thanks sharing the things about your stuff, and maybe your right, maybe in the future things are better, pessimistic but even 0.000001% of likelihood is still a chance i guess.
Think i will have make some important decisions next week that am not ready for, nor do i feel i should have to be the one to make them anyway but guess everyone gotta grow up sometime even if don't wanna.