Discourged

[shatteredhopes]

I am experiencing a depression-related sort of paralysis.

Depression makes even little disappointments be viewed through a magnifying glass for me. Since my boyfriend dumped me, I have been unwilling to try almost anything, although that was also the case before. I had just started writing again and competed in a contest. I placed in one, didn't do well in another that was more important to me, so I threw in the towel. I am so afraid of disappointment after years of big losses and lotsa, lotsa little disappointments, I rarely try or take risks. I have several article ideas (for freelance), and yet I am afraid to write anymore and can't get enthusiastic enough to push through projects. I gave up a novel I started after two chapters, although I still think about it a lot, I can't seem to get back to writing it. I give up easily, at the slightest sign of failure or even because of an unrelated disappointment.

I was struck by Warmsoul's Corner story about the donkey...shaking it off. How do I shake it off? I don't want more heartbreak so I don't try anything anymore. I know it would be best for me to get busy to occupy my mind so I don't think so much about my ex and the life we were supposed to have together. I need to stop obsessing and start letting go.

For example, I had a problem at the local coffee shop and called the headquarters. It was resolved in my favor and they sent me two free cappachino or latte coupons. It would be good for me to get out and go SOMEWHERE and INTERACT FACE TO FACE WITH PEOPLE but I don't want to go because I'm afraid they'll be rude to me now and so then I will get upset. Stupid, right?

Shoot, there are times when I've cried because the clerk at the grocery store put my bread on the bottom and the loaf became slightly crushed.

I engage in all this self talk about how futile everything is, and destroy any courage or goals I might otherwise have.

How do you bounce back when all you want to do is hide under the covers? How do you get enthusiastic about things again? Where do you find hope that things can get better when they have been getting progressively worse over a long span of time? How do you let go of someone you loved with all your heart who no longer loves you? How do you find new dreams for yourself when your previous dreams did not come true?

[xn728]

i dont know about the loved and lost bit ,for i have not lost anyone apart from myself ,that was pain enough ,but not the same as you mean ,i do know about carrying on ,and its something that just has to be done ,ive been deppresed for the best part of 43 years ,and it has been very hard indeed ,many times i have wanted to give in ,i have married ,had to lovely daughters all through deppression ,and ive had to hide the pain .they know i suffer ,but they only see the shell on the outside ,the demons that command my soul ,are not for there eyes ,ive had to walk this earth ,smiling whilst my body and soul are being ripped apart on the inside ,were you will find your courage to go on i cant tell you that ,but if you want to live your life ,there will be pain ,but you will have that life ,but you have to want it ,depression will trick you into thinking other wise ,listen and learn ,read abought the pain on here ,and use those weapons you will find to go forward and seek out what you are looking for
i wish you we,ll my freind ,welcome home ,,,,,,,,xn728

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((( shatteredhopes ))))))))))))))))))

I am not a good one to ask about the love part, seems I have failed more than I want to remember.

For myself, this may sound off the wall, but here goes. I finally realized I am who I am. I can't be something to another that I just simply can't be. Take me for who I am, I guess.

Honestly today I have made some goals, small ones, ones that I can work with and get through then, on to others.

Do know the feeling about being in the public, and have panicked more than I care for. Went to the grocery/super market and MADE myself stay and do what I set out to do. A small small goal for me today, but I did it!

My point, only you can do this, go use those coupons. You were done wrong else you would have never received them. See it wasn't your mistake. You had nerve to stand up to this and they corrected it. Way to go!!!! Be proud of the courage you had with this.

For your writing, please continue. Who knows you may have the words to touch another, explain something to someone, take another to a story that they can't stop reading. YOU can be a great author/writer, but you won't know if you give up your dream.

You never shake life off, you live it, get through each day, learn from it and keep trying. Like a child learning to take those first steps. They never give up and hide under a blanket. They keep trying and trying. Life is a learning process, no matter the age. We deal with our depression, anxiety as best we can, just don't lose the faith and belief in yourself. For others to believe you must believe yourself.

Dreams are promises from your heart that things are there for you. There isn't any magical and easy way to make those dreams come true, just a lot of determination. Learn by the mistakes and remember you are worth it!!

Oh my, I have gone on and on. Hope something I have typed will make sense to you and help you.

Warmie/Jeanie

[xn728]

reading this is weird ,i dont panic when im out ,but i dont like being
crowed ,and a guy touched me today ,i dont tolerate being touched by strangers ,and i flipped ,,but im glad you did that warmie im proud of you ,we,lll done ,,,ididnt do anything violent ,im not like that ,just mouthed him down ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,proud for you ,,,,,,,,ken

[Monty]

I know what it is like to be actually paralyzed by depression.

Never being a great extrovert I don't think those around me noticed that there was a real problem, until it was too late.

I am very proud of my two children but also feel guilty about what I subjected them to when they were young. Sometimes I would wait half a day for my daughter to get home from school, because I wanted a drink of water since noon but couldn't get the strength the turn over (in bed) and drink it.

I think that it was a great step forward when you put in a complaint about being treated wrongly. It would be wonderful if you were able to take a friend with you, otherwise just go in, hold your head high and order your drink with a smile on your face.

Mind you I am a fine one to talk.It used to be that I was so worried about stepping on someone else's toes I would let a lot of c**p be shovelled on me.

I know it feels great to finally stand up for yourself. Like I said pat yourself on your back.

My bank made an error, in their favor and I complained. It turned out that I got $75 in restaurant certificates (kind of worried me that my bank was saving them in their vault). That meant that me, and a couple of friends were able to go to a bar, get appetizers and watch football games.
We were able to do that 3 times on those vouchers.

That was easier than the situation you are facing because I didn't have to turn in the coupons to someone that I had complained about.

I am looking forward to finding out how the coupons worked out, also to get the chance to know you a little better by future posts.

You sound like a nice person

[xn728]

goodnight both ,interesting posts ,you have done well in your life monty
despite the barriers ,you and i both will hold our heads up
and our new freinds shatteredhopes we know little of at present ,but we have made the connection we will learn more im sure ,shatteredhopes
we all found our way here , romantic as it sounds ,there is a reason ,their will be many who will look ,but sadly will not find the door ,i do hope you find what your looking for ,,,,,goodnight my freinds ,,,,,ken ,,xn728

[shatteredhopes]

It brought (good) tears to my eyes to read your supportive and caring posts. I can't talk about how I feel too much with the people in my life and I miss talking to my ex so much. I hurt so much.

When I was a kid, I was the victim of domestic violence for two years. I spent so much time blaming myself ... he beat me because I did this wrong or that wrong and I kept trying and trying to do better so he wouldn't beat me anymore. Then, I got out of that situation and spent most of my life beating myself up for every thing I did wrong or mistake I made or feeling responsible for things that were in no way my fault. For example, one place I worked someone was stealing. When we discussed it a staff meeting, I became embarrassed and upset as if I had somehow caused the person to steal. I suffer PTSD in part because of what I experienced when I was young.

Anyway, I did a lot of work of the years on myself learning to accept responsibility and apologize when I was wrong, but not hold myself responsible for bad things people did to me.

Over the last few years, a lot of really, really bad things have happened in my life and most were at the hands of others or outside my control. I have been struggling to forgive and move on...but the last thing my ex said to me was "Stop blaming everybody else and look at yourself."

Now I feel like that kid again where its all my fault and that I am worthless and deserved all the horrible things that happened. I am truly shattered and regressing and so afraid of hospitalization...

I was hospitalized a few years ago and the facility where I was held because I was suicidal mistreated me. Of the 13 pages of the substantive portion of the human rights regulations they violated almost all of them. When I was most vulnerable in need of help, they did the opposite...one nursing aid threw my shoes at me for instance. It was like something out of "One flew over the CooKuu's (sp?) Nest." I filed a human rights complaint and forced some dramatic changes, but there was also a cover-up of a lot of what took place and overall it was a traumatic experience from which I still haven't recovered.

[shatteredhopes]

I got a couple hours of sleep and am doing a bit better. I know in my head that I am not worthless, that I am a unique individual with value and attributes special to me, but sometimes there is a disconnect between what I think and feel. Feelings, however, are not facts. Yet, feelings can be overwhelming.

The relationship I was in he had an explosive temper and became slightly verbally and emotionally abusive. It wasn't severe, but it revived so much from my youth of what started the PTSD. This is why I know I am better off without him in my head most of the time, but not in my heart. And the rejection hurts...what did I do wrong? what's wrong with me? why doesn't he love me anymore? etc.

And I am angry with myself for getting in so deep instead of getting out at the first warning signs with him early in the relationship. I allowed it to happen by tolerating that which I shouldn't have, and for that I am responsible.

[shatteredhopes]

I ate crackers for dinner last night and for breakfast because I wasn't up to fixing anything. My mom called to invite me to lunch, her treat, at one of my favorite places, and I told her I wasn't up to going. I haven't brushed my hair or teeth in two or three days. I am crying a lot.

My goals for today are to brush my hair and my teeth.

[xn728]

hi glad to read your replys ,good look with your hair and teeth ,im sure you look just fine , mine to will be fine ,when i find them ,you are not worthless ,the depression is tricking you ,your amoung freinds here and we will not judge ,all equals is what we are ,but then i am the exeption .i caused my on torment ,so i deserve to pay and do most willingly ,for me today ive lost something ,looking hard but i cant find it ,but this is your post ,and im glad your with us ,we cant cure you but we will stand at your side and do battle against the demons together ,,,,,,,welcome home xn728

[lisalou]

hi shatteredhopes, i really understand how difficult it is to take care of yourself when you're so deeply depressed, today i washed my hair for the first time in a month and i know that's disgusting but when you're down this low everyday things that people take for granted are so difficult aren't they? well although my brain nearly capsized from brushing,washing and drying my hair it did feel nice and i'm really proud of myself. my next goal...shaving my legs. i might need a lawnmower for this one... wishing you strength for the teeth and hair thing, maybe even give yourself some other kind of pampering treat like spraying on some perfume or putting on some nicely scented cream. as for the food thing,maybe stock up on some really easy things to prepare like bread to toast and some soup,instant noodles or cous cous or something? bananas are really nutritious too. just get whatever you fancy and think you can handle preparing. if you can't face going to the supermarket (i often don't) do you have a little local shop? i have been to our shop down the road in a state,in my pyjamas many times, staring at tins of baked beans! i think they're used to me now..

take one day at a time and praise yourself for every tiny thing you do because everything achieved during depression is a triumph. please take care of yourself, we think you're worth it

lisa xxxx

[shatteredhopes]

I brushed my tangled mess of hair and brushed my teeth, ate some more crackers and a few spoonfuls of peanut butter and brushed them again! My mouth feels so much better.

Thank you so much both of you for understanding and being supportive. Lisa, I have gone long periods of time without washing my hair, too. It really perked me up to see your posts, encouraging me, and to be able to do something simple that many people take for granted, and to know I am not alone.

I was even able to laugh out loud at a stupid joke on a sit-com re-run.

Now, I would really like to go get a newspaper, but I have to get gas for the car too if I go anywhere as I'm on empty...so I don't know if I can do it.

I am trying to stop thinking about the old tragedies in my mind but once triggered I regress. My ex was a total jerk in the way he handled it. If you must break someone's heart, you should be as gentle as possible in my opinion. At least I don't feel like crying at the moment. I feel sad, and overwhelmed, and my physical pain is bothersome today, but I am OKAY for the moment.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT. IT MEANT THE WORLD TO ME!

[xn728]

well done ,bet you feel better now ,we will always support you ,we all as
one ,give kind words and take kind words ,,,,,i was lifted to see this
xn728 ,,,ken/ england ,,uk 10,07 pm ,gonna lay down goodnight
,,,,,,,,,,my new freind ,,,,,,,ken

[shatteredhopes]

I don't know what you feel you've done to deserve severe mental illness "demons" but in the states we have a concept of "cruel and unusual punishment." Just as I did something wrong or annoying that angered the one who beat me, I DIDN'T DESERVE A BEATING.

Whatever you've done, which is none of my business, but I have learned to forgive myself for things and use reasonable guilt as motivation to do better, make a living amends in the way I behave now. As Maya Angelou says, "When you know better, you do better."

Forgiving ourselves is a part of healing, I believe. THANKS FOR YOUR FRIENDSHIP and I'm so happy for you you have a loving family and you can be there for your daughter who is hurting so much.

[lisalou]

a huge well done to you shatteredhopes, well done for taking those steps to make you feel a little better, do you have any shops within walking distance? i am lucky in that we have a corner shop and there is a bus stop just down the road for venturing further afield. i'm within walking distance of the seafront too. what part of america do you live in? hope you can sleep ok tonight.

lisa xx

p.s do you have philadelphia cream cheese in the states? it's v good on crackers!!