Crushed

[shatteredhopes]

I was working on avoiding the poetry site he and I jointly posted on, but got e-mail from the site telling me he had posted a new poem. He just dumped me a month ago, and is already writing in love poetry to someone else...even though he hesitated to post love poems he wrote for me when we were together because he wanted it to be "private" (maybe he was ashamed or didn't want other women to know he was involved)...he's on a ton of poetry sites...so why would he post on the only one we were on together unless just to hurt me/flaunt it?

Already depressed, this has been a crushing blow. I feel it in my chest, tight and painful, I sob til I can sob no more.

I tried so hard to make all my dreams come true...but failed and gave up. I tried living to help others and serve causes greater than myself...and became filled with disappointment. The lump in my throat hurts. My thoughts hurt. My memories hurt. I have suffered so much loss and tragedy over the last five years, I don't know how much more I can take. I wonder where is God...I certainly have more than I can bear and don't understand why so much bad had to happen to me. I try to be a good, loving person. I have made my mistakes, but don't deserve this awful fate.

I live with chronic physical pain and suffer major depressive episodes and PTSD. My coping skills are overstrained...I have tried so hard to focus on gratitude, watch movies or read to distract myself, spend time with a few people who care...I just can't stand the pain. I don't know how to lift the burdens enough to get back in living again. Time heals. Right. Yet time also lends other blows before you've recovered from the last. I hurt, therefore I am.

Little things constantly remind me of him and my other losses. I know others have it worse, but that doesn't make me feel better, only sad that we humans have to suffer so much and are doomed to care while being powerless to really help.

Thanks for reading. It helps a bit to write it out.

[xn728]

HELLO shatteredhopes IM SORRY YOUR IN SO MUCH PAIN ,IM SORRY YOUR FISRT REPLY TO THIS POST HAS TO BE FROM A MAN ,BUT I FELT SOMEONE SHOULD TALK TO YOU ,AND YOU GOT ME THE STRANGE ONE .
ANYWAY MEN ARE IDIOTS ,THEY DONT KNOW WHEN THERE WELL OFF,COULD YOU LEAVE THE SITE ALONE AND NOT LOOK ON THERE ,I KNOW THIS IS HARD AND SOMETIMES YOU ARE DRAWN TO THE VERY LIGHT THAT BURNS YOU ,BUT TRY AND STAY AWAY ,AND YOU PAIN YOU SPEAK OF ,IVE HAD YEARS OF PAIN ,AND EVEN TODAY AS I FEEL A LITTLE BETTER ,THE SWORD WAS THRUST INTO MY BACK AGAIN ,AND THE PAIN BURNS IN MY CHEST ,IS IT OVER FOR YOU BOTH ,IS IT THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE PARTED ,I DONT KNOW ,IF IT IS FINAL ,LET YOUR PAIN BE FELT ,THEN LET IT FALL TO THE FLOOR AND MOVE ON ,YOU WILL FIND TRUE HAPPINESS ONE DAY IM SURE ,CARRY ON BEING THE GOOD PERSON YOU ARE ,DONT GIVE INTO THE PAIN ,AS FOR GOD ,WE,LL I DONT KNOW YOUR BELEIFS ,BUT IF HE DOES EXIST ,PLEASE DONT WAIT FOR HIM TO MAKE YOUR LIFE WHOLE ,IN THIS TERRIBLE WORLD WE LIVE IN HE MAY BE BUSY FOR A WHILE ,AS I SAY ,A MAN I AM ,BUT I DO CARE FOR MY FREINDS HERE ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,BEST WISHES ,,XN728

[crystalgaze]

hi there shattered... So sorry you are feeling like this... ((((shattered)))))

Please do take care.... take care for yourself.... I hope it gets better soon for you!