Filth

[Mich]

How does one rid oneself of the filth from so many years of unwanted touching, probing? I feel so dirty and no amount of therapy or medication is going to make me feel clean and untainted. So many years ago now and yet the stench still makes me sick. I don't know how to release this demon and feel it is mine to keep forever. I self harm to numb myself from the filth and grime that has been put upon me. Depression smothers me and makes my waking moments living hell. It wakes me from slumber just to remind me it's still there stalking me. There is only one way to taste freedom.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((( Mich )))))))))))))))))))

A suggestion, doesn't work for everyone, but this is how I sometimes handle the thoughts and memories.

I sit with pen and pad and write to myself. No holds barred. If I swear, I swear, if I cry I let the tears hit the paper. I let it all go...

Then after sometime, sometimes just an hour or so, or a day or two, I will read it, over and over. See it from a different view.

After the reading, I destroy it. Like watching it burn or tearing it to tiny pieces gives me that satisfaction of clearing/cleaning that thought from my thoughts. I continue doing this until 'that memory' doesn't bother me or come back.

Warmie/Jeanie

[xn728]

mich what happened to you was done by a bad human being ,the filth will have took its slime with it ,when it left you its victim ,the protective force of life would have covered your young body during this time ,so your innocence would have been unblemised ,the young girl inside you is calling out for you to forgive and hold her ,like myself and russ ,
another addmission here for me ,i buy toy trucks and bulldozers ,and model motorcycles ,and other such items ,why/ the things russ never had when he was a child ,i forgave him ,and now i love him ,let the little girl come home mich ,,,,,,,goodnight best wishes ,,you,ll be ok ,,,,,,ken

[shatteredhopes]

My local domestic violence shelter has a support group (free) for adult survivors of that type of abuse. There are some good books on the subject too, if you feel like reading...

One thing that helps me is confrontation...I write letters to those who have harmed me or have imaginary conversations where I say things out loud to them what they did to me how they made me feel how I feel about them from their dispicable acts. You can burn the letters or save them in a "God box" where you "turn them over to the universe" for justice and healing...writing helps me ... letting it out is part of letting it go.

Also, I have done a bit of work on my self-confidence. I must be able to acknowledge good things about myself, as well as the bad I need to work on, and try to feel good or proud of small accomplishments. YOU ARE NOT TRASH BECAUSE SOME HORRIBLE PERSON OR PEOPLE DID BAD THINGS TO YOU. You are a unique, special individual with your own talents and assets and value and the last act of defiance against those who harmed you is reclaiming your self worth, they stole so much from you, I hope you fight to not let them steal your value in the present. Easier said than done, I know very well, but sending prayers your way friend.

[crystalgaze]

I think every one has already said what I would have said. (((((((Mich))))))

When I first read this, my thought was: Maybe a retreat or purification ritual would help? (Of course, no harm would come to you in any of this & people whom you trust would be nearby....)

I don't know if those are the right words for it.... A retreat/hike to the mountains or something where you could stand in a small waterfall, with the water running over your head....

While there you might be able to meditate.... & cast it off that way... (?)


Gosh... sorry for such an over-the-top comment.... It was what I thought, though...

[Mich]

Thank you everyone for all the wonderful thoughts and suggestions. You are all so kind. Thank you for your friendship.

[Monty]

I wish I could tell you how to let go of the dirty feeling. I also was abused when a child. Though it was more than 45 years ago, there are times that I just feel so dirty and I just can't wash it off.
I try to keep it from friends but those who know me well have figured out, that when I feel that way I tend to put my shirt up to my mouth. Covering it completely, that I am going through a difficult time.

It is something that I have really never shared with anyone, other than those here now. In spite of all that therapy I felt that I couldn't say anything. It was like the shame enveloped me totally.

The reason that I posted is to let you that you are not alone.

Over the years the feeling of dirtiness has abated some, but it still sometimes sneaks up on me.
I keep trying to tell myself that the abusers are the ones that are dirty and deserve to be punished. Not us young ones, who had our innocence stolen from us.

Often say that I had my virginity stolen from me, before I even knew what the word meant.

[shatteredhopes]

No you are not alone ... 1 in 3 females and 1 in 6 males are the latest stats I have heard... I have often heard that the best thing to do for someone you need to forgive is to do something for them...the best thing you can do for them is HEAL THE WOUNDS they caused and make their amends for them by treating yourself and loving yourself in ways you would a child who just endured a similar experience. You would not view that child as dirty at all, but as abused, in need of comfort and love and the assurance IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, NEVER ARE YOU TO BLAME, AND YOUR SOUL IS STILL BRIGHT AND WHOLE. Hoping you find peace dear one.

[Monty]

Aren't those awful numbers. How many of us are out there, just pounding the c**p out of ourselves, while the abusers just move on to other victims.
Leaving shattered lives of children in their wake.

Often when I have been asked in therapy groups, what it is that I want most.

My, almost always answer is, Just some Peace.

Unfortunately it seems that the only way I get peace now, is on prescription meds. Of which I take many but still doesn't stop the thoughts, just dampens them.

It means a lot to me when I read that you were giving me the hope of somehow finding peace.

Sleep well.

[Mich]

Thank you so much shatteredhopes and Monty.

[xn728]

HEY MONTY ,I TAKE THE LITHIUM ,ITS JUST A MOOD STABLEISER ,
I WAS TOLD OFFICILY THAT I WONT GET BETTER A FEW WEEKS AGO ,
LIKE I DIDNT KNOW ,BUT SINCE THEN I HAVE FELT HAPPY ,AND YES I DARE SAY THAT WORD ,I THINK NOW I KNOW ITS ALL DOWN TO ME ,IVE STOPPED HOPING FOR HELP FROM THEN ,AND I DONT KEEP GETTING DISSAPIONTED WHEN I DIDNT GET IT ,,,,,,ALONE AGAIN ,GOOD JOB I HAVE ALL OF YOU ,I KNOW I HAVE MY FAMILY ,BUT THE BAD SIDE OF DEPRESSION ,IM SORRY BUT I REFUSE TO SHARE THAT WITH THEM ,BUT HERE I GIVE AS WE,LL AS TAKE ,I CAN LIVE WITH THAT SO IF YOU HAVE TO TAKE MEDS THEN SO BE IT MONTY TAKE CARE ,,,KEN

[Monty]

Ken,

A few years ago I got the designation as "permanently unemployable" from our Government Pension plan.

While it wasn't actually the news I wanted (what is the first questiont that people ask you when you first meet them, "so where do you work?)

I think that I kind of felt like you. At least I knew where I stood. Now I am grateful that I receive a pension cheque from our government every month, in spite of the fact that normally you have to be 65 to begin and I am just on the other side of 50.

In order to keep me on this planet over the past 20 years I think that I have tried pretty well every drug that there is. I also was on lithium for about 18 of those years.

I got pretty sick in 2007 and had the decision made for me that I have ECT (electro-convulsive) or shock therapy.

It worked ok but I still take about 13 drugs a day. We also have medicare here where I live and I am covered on my kid's dad's insurance (even though we have been separated for many years). Otherwise the cost would be prohibitive and I would have to cut back, somewhere.

Didn't mean to ramble on for so long.

You are right Ken when you say, a lot of the time family doesn't understand depression, but it is safe here to share your deepest thoughts without being judged.

[xn728]

WERE THE SAME AGE BY THE SOUNDS OF IT ,YES IVE HAD EVERTHING
A LOT OF IT MADE ME WORSE,5 YEARS AGO I WAS A CABBAGE ,REALLY SAT UP WHILE THE GIRLS WERE AROUND ,SOON AS THE DOOR CLOSED LAYED DOWN ,LITHIUM GOT ME UP AND KEEPS ME HERE NOW ,I THINK NOW I KNOW IVE BEEN SCRAPPED ,THAT I NEED TO BUT SAFE GAURDS
IN PLACE TO KEEP GOING ,SOMETIMES IF I GOT TIRED I THOUHT IT WAS DEPRESSION ,BUT NOW I KNOW IF I FEEL SUDDENLY DOWN ,IT MAY JUST BE I NEED TO REST ,IVE GOT SOME DIAZAPAN ,TO CALM ME WHEN I GET CRANKY ,WE SEEM VERY SIMALER ,,,,,I WILL NOT BE BEATEN ,AND IF I CAN I WILL HOLD SOME FREINDS UP IN HERE
I SOMETIME SAY ,IF I CAN TAKE YOUR PAIN FROM YOU SO YOU CAN HAVE A REST I WILL ,AND I WOULD ,,GLAD YOU DROPPED BY
MONTY ,I WAS JUST GOING TO HIT THE SACK WITH MY ROCK MUSIC IN MY EARS ,GOODNIGHT MY FREIND ,,,,,,,,KEN

[Monty]

Ken,

Hope you slept well. You are a good man.

[xn728]

YOUR SO VERY KIND ,SLEEP WE,LL YOURSELF MONTY ,,,,GOODNIGHT
,,,,,,,,,,SO MANY FREINDS IN SO MANY FAR AWAY PLACES ,I COULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN ,I WOULD NO SUCH KIND CARING PEOPLE ,,,,KEN