It feels so hopeless
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It feels so hopeless
I just got back from my psychiatrist's office. He does my therapy as well as my meds and I wanted to explain to him how desperate and how bad I am feeling but I just couldn't get it to come out right. I can never adequately convey my suffering and that pains me greatly. I want someone to understand it in all it's magnitude. My whole world is black and hopeless. Every movement is a struggle and the pain and heaviness that crushes my chest is unbearable. I don't want to do anything. I don't want my husband to touch me. I don't want my kids to chatter at me. I just can't take any of it. I can't see any end to these feelings. I feel guilty for being so self centered in needing people to hear my pain. It hurts so much. I truly cannot stand it. The feelings are so overwhelming and so overpowering I do not know how to deal with them...how to tolerate them hour after hour. I just want the pain to end. Nothing brings me any comfort...not even my beloved dog or my cherished music. My family tries to act like nothing is wrong and that pains me even more. I am drowning in pain. Each breath I take is unbearable. I don't know what to do any more. I know the severity of this episode has been brought on by dealing with very traumatic things in therapy for the past month. It's hard to believe at this point that talking about them will really make it better. It just cannot get any worse.
It's now Saturday and nothing has changed as far as my state of despair. Nothing can pull me out. I took a few Ativans last night so I did sleep thankfully but today the same suffocating sadness is squeezing the life out of me. I am unable to shower or change clothes. I am unable to take anything in other than coffee. I fear my anorexia will raise it's ugly head again and that certainly will not help things depression-wise. I am thankful that my thoughts are not racing for I hate that combination of extreme despair and racing thoughts. My mind is quiet and numb. I feel guilty writing such negative drivel here but somehow this is a place where I feel safe spewing it out. Every minute is utter torture. Nobody understands this hell, this incapacitating pain. Every breath, every movement takes Herculean effort. The family goes on with their day as if all is well...I guess that is the best thing but I feel completely detached from it all like it is nothing to do with me at all. I want comfort and care and perhaps that is why I often crave the hospital atmosphere. I feel I get cared for there and I don't get that feeling anywhere else. I know I must manage this on my own though. I am not threatening suicide but I certainly don't want to live.
My recipe for peace: cut out TV, stop caffeine, go to the park and quietly watch the water or the wind blowing the leaves in the trees, or wildlife if there is any. That soothes me. Not sure if it works for others.
Only problem is that winter is coming on...
Plan B: If you're staying at home try working, or vice versa.
Plan C: If therapy is causing that much pain maybe slow it down a little?
Hope it helps, try to find something that works.
Only problem is that winter is coming on...
Plan B: If you're staying at home try working, or vice versa.
Plan C: If therapy is causing that much pain maybe slow it down a little?
Hope it helps, try to find something that works.
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
((((((((((((((( Mich )))))))))))))))))
A thought, suggestion, if that is all right.
Before your next appointment with your psychiatrist, perhaps write out you feelings, what is going on. Example: what you have posted here. Take it with you, to fall back on when talking, or have the psychiatrist read it.
When I do have to see a doctor, I will write each thing down that are issues with me, in this manner I do relay it all to the doctor, not missing anything. I usually make notes to myself and just talk to the doctor (they would never understand my notes
)
Keep trying...keep typing here, visit the chat room, for that has helped so many, to be able to talk to others that understand.
Another gentle hug for you...(((((((((((((( Mich ))))))))))))))
Warmie/Jeanie
A thought, suggestion, if that is all right.
Before your next appointment with your psychiatrist, perhaps write out you feelings, what is going on. Example: what you have posted here. Take it with you, to fall back on when talking, or have the psychiatrist read it.
When I do have to see a doctor, I will write each thing down that are issues with me, in this manner I do relay it all to the doctor, not missing anything. I usually make notes to myself and just talk to the doctor (they would never understand my notes
)
Keep trying...keep typing here, visit the chat room, for that has helped so many, to be able to talk to others that understand.
Another gentle hug for you...(((((((((((((( Mich ))))))))))))))
Warmie/Jeanie
Hi Mich, I hope you’re feeling better. I’m new to the this board and when I read this post it sounded a lot like me. I have a hard time explaining my feelings to Doctors or anyone for that matter. The way I do it now is to keep a daily journal and just take it with me so the Doctor can just read it themselves. It works out very well for me and might be something you can try.
Take Care!
Cluehound
Take Care!
Cluehound
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
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crystalgaze
- Posts: 2511
- Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm
- Location: USA
Your posts also sound a lot like me....
Oh, only the sky knows that it can be hard to get things done. That get up & go part can be tough. That's my battle just about every day.
I can usually get out of bed, but doing any thing else would be like trying to play fetch with a dog that simply does not fetch but only looks at the stuff as it rolls on by...
(At 1 point, I wasn't able to get out of bed....)
Hhmmm.... you know, I just got to thinking & you mentioned coffee.... Would you want to try some Carnation Instant Breakfast (powder packets that come in the box, not the pre-made drink)?
That has really gotten me through the times when I could not eat. I thought I was going to have an eating disorder.... I don't have 1 yet, but I am eating considerably less lately. I am still overweight, so maybe that's a good thing. Just today I had to force to eat lunch. I have NO IDEA why it is that almost every time I eat, it feels like I am forcing (& I'm not overeating or any thing). Maybe my body is rejecting processed food??? (white rice, Kashi waffles, salmon balls made with canned salmon, (I was able to eat fresh spinach yesterday with no problem.)
I went through about a month of close to virtually starving myself because I could not eat. I didn't know what it was. Then my dot came & I got hungry. My food doesn't seem to settle much as well or rather when I belch, whatever food it was I ate is on my breath, although my stomach + bowels would be fine.
Yesterday, when my whole digestive system acted up yesterday, I drank water mixed with vinegar. That helped to some degree but I threw some olive oil straight out the bottle on a snack & that saved the day.
Sorry to go on a rant there. ~lol~
Have you ever tried yoga? Well, that is, do you have the energy? If you ever get the energy, maybe you might see if it's something you might like.
Are you able to take vitamins (but you'd have to eat something 1st)? Sometimes not taking care of yourself can add to how you feel.
I haven't done it in a while but what has gotten me times like what you describe here is being a total goof when nobody's looking. Strangely enough, 1 thing that cracks me up just about every time is when I pretend like I'm some great singer, turn on some music, stand in front of a mirror & rock on like some popular musician.
Ah, I was just trying to cheer ya up a little & give ya some stuff to think about, if you feel like it.
Take care, ok? ~Crystal
Oh, only the sky knows that it can be hard to get things done. That get up & go part can be tough. That's my battle just about every day.
I can usually get out of bed, but doing any thing else would be like trying to play fetch with a dog that simply does not fetch but only looks at the stuff as it rolls on by...
(At 1 point, I wasn't able to get out of bed....)
Hhmmm.... you know, I just got to thinking & you mentioned coffee.... Would you want to try some Carnation Instant Breakfast (powder packets that come in the box, not the pre-made drink)?
That has really gotten me through the times when I could not eat. I thought I was going to have an eating disorder.... I don't have 1 yet, but I am eating considerably less lately. I am still overweight, so maybe that's a good thing. Just today I had to force to eat lunch. I have NO IDEA why it is that almost every time I eat, it feels like I am forcing (& I'm not overeating or any thing). Maybe my body is rejecting processed food??? (white rice, Kashi waffles, salmon balls made with canned salmon, (I was able to eat fresh spinach yesterday with no problem.)
I went through about a month of close to virtually starving myself because I could not eat. I didn't know what it was. Then my dot came & I got hungry. My food doesn't seem to settle much as well or rather when I belch, whatever food it was I ate is on my breath, although my stomach + bowels would be fine.
Yesterday, when my whole digestive system acted up yesterday, I drank water mixed with vinegar. That helped to some degree but I threw some olive oil straight out the bottle on a snack & that saved the day.
Sorry to go on a rant there. ~lol~
Have you ever tried yoga? Well, that is, do you have the energy? If you ever get the energy, maybe you might see if it's something you might like.
Are you able to take vitamins (but you'd have to eat something 1st)? Sometimes not taking care of yourself can add to how you feel.
I haven't done it in a while but what has gotten me times like what you describe here is being a total goof when nobody's looking. Strangely enough, 1 thing that cracks me up just about every time is when I pretend like I'm some great singer, turn on some music, stand in front of a mirror & rock on like some popular musician.
Ah, I was just trying to cheer ya up a little & give ya some stuff to think about, if you feel like it.
Take care, ok? ~Crystal
Hello everyone and welcome to the newcomers!!
I have to agree with Jeanie about writing your thoughts down before you go to therapy. It can be a great tool for getting all of your feelings out and not missing a beat. It is so important that your therapist knows all that is going through your head in order to help you.
As for you feeling guilty about being, "self centered," please don't be. Part of clinical depression is self centeredness, there is no avoiding that. Please remember that you must take care of yourself in order to begin taking care of your family again. Please do keep us posted, Mich... and please don't give up. It sounds like you have a lot to live for...
((((Mich))))
I have to agree with Jeanie about writing your thoughts down before you go to therapy. It can be a great tool for getting all of your feelings out and not missing a beat. It is so important that your therapist knows all that is going through your head in order to help you.
As for you feeling guilty about being, "self centered," please don't be. Part of clinical depression is self centeredness, there is no avoiding that. Please remember that you must take care of yourself in order to begin taking care of your family again. Please do keep us posted, Mich... and please don't give up. It sounds like you have a lot to live for...
((((Mich))))
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
aim wrote:Hello everyone and welcome to the newcomers!!
I have to agree with Jeanie about writing your thoughts down before you go to therapy. It can be a great tool for getting all of your feelings out and not missing a beat. It is so important that your therapist knows all that is going through your head in order to help you.
As for you feeling guilty about being, "self centered," please don't be. Part of clinical depression is self centeredness, there is no avoiding that. Please remember that you must take care of yourself in order to begin taking care of your family again. Please do keep us posted, Mich... and please don't give up. It sounds like you have a lot to live for...
((((Mich))))
You do have a point, AIM.
Such a shame that you can't do therapy over instant message programs.
It seems for individuals like ourselves (writers) we seem to convey ideas better through text rather than voice.
For me, I like it because when I speak - I pretty much sound like an idiot.
At least with text there doesn't seem to be any pressure. Don't you think so?
I've always been more comfortable writing my thoughts down instead of just saying them, really. The only person in the whole wide world that I can truly be myself with and speak 100% openly is my handsome and brilliant fiance. He is the first in my 33 years on this planet, and I'm thinking probably the only one ever.
So yes... I do see your point, broken pen. But there is hope that you will find someone who you can truly open yourself up to, without writing the words down.
And I'm sure you don't sound even remotely as bad as you think you do! You sound really brilliant on here!!!
So yes... I do see your point, broken pen. But there is hope that you will find someone who you can truly open yourself up to, without writing the words down.
And I'm sure you don't sound even remotely as bad as you think you do! You sound really brilliant on here!!!
aim wrote:I've always been more comfortable writing my thoughts down instead of just saying them, really. The only person in the whole wide world that I can truly be myself with and speak 100% openly is my handsome and brilliant fiance. He is the first in my 33 years on this planet, and I'm thinking probably the only one ever.
So yes... I do see your point, broken pen. But there is hope that you will find someone who you can truly open yourself up to, without writing the words down.
And I'm sure you don't sound even remotely as bad as you think you do! You sound really brilliant on here!!!
It would be a weird relationship if you only spoke to her by writing notes on a notepad.
Or rather texting her while you're standing next to her. hehe.
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