Everyday life. How was your day?
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well, this time I will try to write without erasing, I feel that everything is getting more and more complicated, I don't understand my mind, I just feel like ending all this suffering, I feel so sad inside, without meaning, with meaningless worries, I am so overwhelmed, I feel so exhausted emotionally and physically, I wish I was dead so much, I can't take it anymore, sometimes I feel that the answers to the bad thoughts I have may not be the right ones and there are more. this internal pain is so unbearable, I feel that at any moment I would give up but I think I have already given up and it is difficult to explain the feeling, I do not understand it, everything I think is negative and it constantly attacks me, even if I try to be positive it makes me impossible, I feel that it is part of my being so negative and so many things, I cannot help myself because I do not find a reason to want to continue and I am not looking for one either, I am so tired and afraid of some change that I prefer to stay in my misery because it is the only thing I know, the words I know do not fit the suffering I have, I feel anger, disappointment, concern, a kind of fear, such intense sadness combined with hatred for so many things, and I do not understand why I feel hatred for those things, It's so weird, I feel like attacking so much but I don't know what I want to attack, and even if I attack I think it wouldn't do any good because everything will continue. for a long time I just thought about letting everything flow see if it would improve with time and stay as I am but everything remains the same and I don't want to make an effort to change, I have tried several times ago with various recommendations that I found on the Internet, but I realized that nothing that helped me and that I did not feel any change. knowing that nothing could help me frustrated me so much, I don't know what to do, I would like to continue writing but there is so much, not only the things around me but everything inside me is making me suffer, and I don't understand it I don't know what it is but it hurts I feel deeply broken I wish I could cry but I can't I just keep a lump in my throat, after that also the feeling of resentment or hatred with the whole world is so strange, but it makes me want to see the world explode but it's so weird, because I can't find any reason to want that to happen, it's just something I want but at the same time wanting that makes me mmm I can't explain the feeling, it's like wanting everyone to disappear from my sight or wanting to kill them but no I understand why, it's because I want to kill myself?, but what would be the point of that, that I hate, I want to scream and hit so much to destroy everything around me. everything in my mind is so chaotic and without any explanation of how it started and i'm not really looking for any i just want it to stop but i'm scared still to stop it finishing me, i can't stop imagining myself hanging from a rope, or dying of various different ways, or seeing how the whole world collapses, how everything dies around me being the last to die, I feel so much pain I tremble too much I feel haunted with so much fear and I just keep scratching my arms and I feel as if I am becoming crazy they say that all this takes time but I feel very tired I just want to die and for this to stop, it seems that it will never have an end all this is not only a product of an environment that surrounds me but that all this is in my mind and I can't find a reason for everything
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