Close to ending it.

Everyday life. How was your day?

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Bruaheq
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Nov 10, 2020 2:12 am

Close to ending it.

Postby Bruaheq » Wed Nov 18, 2020 2:24 pm

I honestly do not know why I am still here anymore. I keep telling myself, that it will get better, but after 8 years it has yet to improve. It did for some time, and I thought I was gonna finally have peace, but recently that was ripped from me. Now I am worse than before. I know life has ups and downs, but this is ridiculous. I almost did it yesterday, but the one thing that has been stopping me stopped me. I don't have a family anymore, and all I have is a small group of friends that would miss me, but they can go on without me, they do not need me, but there is one person who it would matter to me how they feel if I ended it, and I never want to hurt them. My life has no impact on this world, I tried so hard to at least do it for the people around me, but it doesn't help me feel any better. I have always tried to be the good/morally right person, but I feel like all the good things I do will never make any type of impact, what is one more good person in a world filled with corruption. Good people just get eaten and spit out in this world, then shit on and tossed in a volcano. People my age do not seem to know what it means to be a good person, sure you see people do good things, but do they do them even when people are not looking a lot of the times no, and if you are one of the people who does thank you. I hate the holidays not only because I can not spend time with family, but it brings the fake out of people helping them think the one good thing they do this year tops all the bad they did. I'm not saying that I'm perfect because I am not, and no one can be, but I can at least try my best that's all we have in life sometimes. However, my best is failing me. I am taking a break from all forms of social media, I will still try and post updates here, that way you all know I am still alive. Even all the hobbies I do just do not feel the same anymore, like photography and so many more, I tried to keep myself occupied, but it always finds me. I don't know anymore, then again I do not think I ever knew,

PaulaR1
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2021 11:17 am

Re: Close to ending it.

Postby PaulaR1 » Thu Apr 01, 2021 1:48 am

Bruaheq, I’m listening and I hear you. How you doing these days?

Alex42
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Apr 01, 2021 9:07 pm

Re: Close to ending it.

Postby Alex42 » Fri Apr 02, 2021 12:18 am

Prologue: I wrote kind of a novel here. And in no way is it meant to imply our situations are the same or even alike. Nor imply anything I said to be an easily achievable recipe for happiness. I don't dein to believe my words have such power. But please, if you feel like reading the whole thing, let me know if I'm just way off base, living in a fantasy land.

I know what you're feeling, and I very much relate to having an intolerance for fakeness. I consider myself a straight shooter, who is often either shunned for refusing to emulate fake enthusiasm, or considered weird when I do try. I can't say I'm a success story when it comes to depression, but maybe some words below will resonate with you.

Don't go. Don't succumb to nihilism, whether it be an an athiestic view of a vast, indifferent universe; a theistic view of a God who seems uncompassionate, or a spiritual sense of disconnect and isolation. Perceptions drive reality, and some of us are predisposed to darker perceptions than others. But that's not a predisposition to defeat.

Your friends will miss you, of course. And imagining their despair can give us a sense of value. It's good to feel valuable, isn't it? Because we associate value with purpose, and we often question our life's value when we're feeling without purpose. However, the problem here isn't with giving ourselves that morsel of value to keep us going, it's what we derive that morsel from the outside. It's with our internal referee fouling us incessantly, and not giving us the points we deserve. If you're more an academic than a sports fan, then think of it as your superego and ego having a toxic relationship, where the superego negs the ego so that it seeks whatever approval it can get. Bottom line, your value is a matter of recognition vs disregard, not necessarily anything to do with the personal inventory of your life. You shouldn't entertain the idea that anything other than you awards you that value, and nothing but you can subtract from it. If you crave control, this is hopefully an empowering perspective (i.e. you want value, and can give it to yourself)

I mentioned the superego and ego earlier, now let's talk about the id. (As an aside, I'm not a Freud fan, and agree with most that he was kind of a crackpot, but this is a concept I find very applicable).
Bottom line first: Find and do what makes you happy. Easier said than done, I know and sympathize. But at the very least, the amplitude of the highs can get higher, and the lows, by comparison, can feel shallower.
Your hobbies are probably your greatest asset. They not only provide a source of joy, but distraction and escape. Not escape from reality, but escape from rumination on harmful thoughts and feelings.
I know you said you have trouble finding interest in them right now, and for that I would recommend a cycle of hobbies. Stimulation is your second asset here. By picking up new things you're simulating that drive to keep going, to learn more, to achieve. Through achievement, you gain fulfillment, confidence, contentment. It's important to note here that you are not judging yourself by other's impressions or seeking their validation. You are setting out to do something that pleases you, not seeking to satisfy others and live vicariously through empathetic proxy.
Third asset: New experiences. Not necessarily bungie jumping, but doing new things for the sake of doing them. I can't tell you what these experiences should be, only what I learned from doing it. I transferred colleges freshman year to be with my high school sweetheart of 4 years. Well she broke up with me shortly after I got there. So there I was, a 4 hour drive from home, with no car, no friends, and poor social skills. What did I do? I made friends and lived happily ever after. Jk, I laid in bed for 2 weeks and moped; grades be damned. But in all that contemplation, I found revelation. I probably wasn't going back to this school next semester, and I didn't really know myself for my late teenage years in any meaningful way that didn't involve my ex. So while I wasn't free from the judgement I so feared from others, I was free never to see that negative judgement ever again when I went back home. I struck up conversations with strangers, I went to the gym and didn't worry about looking impressive in my exercises, I joined a Tae Kwon Do club and competed in NYC two months later, I made friends seemingly easier than I ever did. The only experiences available to me that I didn't partake in are drugs (not comfortable being out of my own head, but I don't judge), and skinny dipping. Honestly the best semester of my college life, all because I was able to temporarily trade social anxiety for a feeling of self-absolution, no matter how stupid I thought I'd look. So, I did Mrs. Frizzle proud. I took chances, made mistakes, and got messy. More importantly, for what felt like the first time, I felt the rewards of trying new things and learning what I liked, and what I didn't like (Natty Ice).

For me now, these three assets translate into: Starting my own business. I'm taking my drone photography hobby, adding in a new hobby of coding (for my business website), and starting a business is something I haven't done before, so I'm hitting the trifecta. No guarantee it will be a success, but if I'm spending my time doing things I enjoy, having a proper purpose doesn't really feel essential to my existence.

Epilogue: I'm still not living happily ever after. I'm not in rags, I'm not rich. I'm 30lbs heavier, but I've lost 25 since last year. I'm addicted to nicotine, but not alcohol or coke like my father. Despite any logic or reason, my thick skin will still shed thin once in a while (like tonight), where a stranger's insult leaves me feeling heavy on my couch, with my heart in a vice. But my 8 year anniversary with my girlfriend is coming up, and my grandma is looking at $5,600 less on her chemo bills because I helped cobble together affordable insurance. So what I'm saying is, I've learned to create my peace, and I hope you stay and find yours.

heavyheart38
Posts: 60
Joined: Sat Dec 28, 2013 10:58 pm

Re: Close to ending it.

Postby heavyheart38 » Sun Jul 04, 2021 3:04 am

I wish there was a like button on above posters comment. Original posters post ran very true to me. All that keeps me from taking my life is my wife, my kids and my dog.


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