What’s wrong with me??

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What’s wrong with me??

Postby anonymoustab » Wed Jul 18, 2018 2:03 am

I’ve never used this before so I’m just going to say trigger warning just in case. I’ll start with some background about who I am and just minor things. I’m a 16 year old girl, I have previously struggled with bipolar depression and have been hospitalized for it. I’ve struggled with self harm and suicidal thoughts, but overall I’m an average girl. Within the last few months I’ve gotten my first job and I have a boyfriend, things are technically going good for me. Recently (the last 2 months I wanna say) I’ve been feeling so horrible. I don’t know how to explain it simply because it’s not like depression. At least not any of the depression I’ve ever experienced. Even as I try to phrase it into words, I can’t exactly do it. I feel lost, confused, and absolutely isolated. I take the bus to work every day and it’s about a 30 minute drive and I just come up with these brand new personalities for myself and think of ways to transform myself into them. I also think of just cutting off everyone close to me. I’ve always done this but it’s been especially worse. I’ll analyze the person and find all their flaws, even if they aren’t actual flaws but things I’ve created in my head, and think “wow, I don’t want this in my life”. And if I did this with friends or significant others it would be okay, but it’s with everyone. I do it with my 3 year old brother. I’ve also been wanting to do things just to see what happens. Like jumping in front of a car. I just wanna know what the outcome would be. And i don’t want to say I’m suicidal because I don’t think I am. I watched a video about what exactly a sociopath is and for a while i was thinking “am I a sociopath?” I want to do things just to see the outcome. I actually have started to do things just to see what happens. I’ve recently began to do little acts of self harm here and there, even after going through the process of stopping myself, just to see the outcome. Would I get addicted again? Would I get caught? Would I go to deep? I just want to see. I’ve realized I’m not a sociopath, though. I care about others and what happens to them as well. Ive thought of killing myself just to see if there’s an afterlife. Any time I’ve previously thought of suicide it was because I wanted to die. I have a close friend who messages me when she’s going through rough times and I love her to death but lately I’ve just wanted to tell her to f*** off and that I don’t care about her problems. I do. I care so much and I don’t understand it. I feel genuinely empty and confused and there’s just so much going on that I genuinely don’t understand. And I know if I have any adults reading there probably thinkin “teenage angst”. But it’s really not like that, because I’ve dealt with that before. I just really want help. In understanding what’s going on and if I should see someone or what. Because I feel like I’m losing my mind lol.

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Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:04 am

Re: What’s wrong with me??

Postby CamGirl » Wed Jul 18, 2018 2:35 am

If you feel there's something wrong with you, I think the best way to do is to ask for help from your family in the first place. Otherwise, a therapist or a mental health professional may take the role to support you with your problematic feelings or situation.

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Joined: Mon May 22, 2017 9:06 am

Re: What’s wrong with me??

Postby lovingladyo4 » Wed Jul 18, 2018 9:43 am

Hi sweetheart! I just read your post here and I'm glad you felt the freedom to unload so many of your concerns. Being able to vocalize things sure is a good starting point to help understand why you feel this way. I'm sure there are a lot of factors involved, from your childhood, your personality, your health, the chemicals in your brain, and the impact your environment has had on you - meaning: how your friends have affected your self identity, how your family shaped your self-esteem, family, any unmet expectations you have put on yourself or others have put on you, the way you have compared and judged yourself, and perhaps the way others have done the same, and things like that.

I am writing this because I came from a background of bipolar parents who had chemical imbalances but didn't know it at the time because families in that generation never paid any attention to emotional and mental challenges. The approach back in those days was to just deal with it and don't bother anybody in the process. Well, thankfully things have changed drastically since then, and we now give a lot of attention to people who struggle endlessly with debilitating problems. There are reasons why a person feels challenged to go through life in the way you describe. There are explanations why our outlook on like gets shaped the way it does. There are components in the brain that are responsible for our moods and emotions. I would be so lost if it weren't for committed professionals who have dedicated their lives to seek out answers for those in need.

I don't know enough about your situation, other than what you've described here, but is going to a therapist an option for you? Or a Christian counselor? I had met a beautiful Christian woman who helped change my life and let me see things from a whole new vantage point. I also went to the right kind of doctor who taught me things I never knew, and gave me methods for overcoming my chemical imbalances. Is that something you would consider? I believe getting to connected to the right people. and staying connected, will help you tremendously and boost your confidence.

You have so many good things going for you, and no this isn't teenage angst. Your feelings are real to you and they matter. How you feel about yourself is so crucial to your overall well-being, so I would like to encourage you to take another step and make some phone calls and ask around to see who is available for you to speak with.

There is always hope. Life is a journey and we meet so many people along the way. If you are comfortable, let others help you; those who are equipped to understand you the most, and those who know how to love you unconditionally. We all need to lean on someone at one point or another, so I hope you are able reach out and get connected to someone who cares. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts.

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Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2018 3:11 pm

Re: What’s wrong with me??

Postby lovetodance2018 » Wed Jul 18, 2018 4:59 pm

I am sorry you are struggling with those thought and feelings. I am glad you felt comfortable to share on this site. Everyone here understands what it is like to struggling. They are also so caring and here to show love, encouragement and support. Are you currently in counseling? You should share with your therapists about your thoughts and possible actions. Are you on medication? Medication can help stabilize our minds, especially if you struggle with bipolar depression. I will praying for you. Please continue to share and know you are not alone. Hugs!

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Joined: Mon Sep 25, 2017 10:26 pm

Re: What’s wrong with me??

Postby Clayjars » Fri Jul 27, 2018 10:36 am

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. It seems like there's a lot going on in your head & it's making you feel overwhelmed. I know that being a teenager isn't easy. There are so may changes taking place inside you, outside you... and it can get quite scary. I have teenage girls so I understand how you may want to handle your issues on your own, but I also know that there are times when my girls would come to me, or I to them & we would just talk about their struggles. We've talked, cried, prayed together over many different issues that's come our way... and often they told me afterwards that they didn't think I would understand. Our conversations actually helped me to love them better, love them more...and to respect them as individuals and as young adults. If you have someone you can confide in, that's great, but if you don't, can you talk to your parents? Perhaps you'll find some helpful resources at http://bit.ly/2LpZyuC

Sending you hugs...

Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2018 3:11 pm

Re: What’s wrong with me??

Postby lovetodance2018 » Mon Jul 30, 2018 3:38 pm

How are you feeling this week? You have been in my prayers. Are you seeking help? Hugs to you!

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