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Motherhood and therapy?

Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2016 4:14 pm
by asimplenest
Hey, so I've had depression since my youth, but after becoming a mother it has really blown up. I love being a mother too, but it has been hard on my depression.

I wish I could do therapy but I'm scared that expressing my thoughts about how I see myself as a terrible mother will then make the therapist also believe this and then my kids will be taken away. This is what keeps me from sharing my struggles. Because I feel like I'll be misunderstood. I know I am a good mother, but I also have times I feel like i'm the worst. And the black and white thinking is hard to let go of.

Obviously there are some scary mothers out there. And I am a loving mother who's trying, but with all the hypersensitivity out there. Things I've read about kids being taken away because of accidents that could happen to anyone etc. It makes me paranoid.

Does anyone else feel like they can't get the help they need professionally because they are afraid?

Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2016 4:22 pm
by asimplenest
Just as an example:

My husband was putting the kids to bed and getting really fed up. I could see he needed a break so I said I'd do it. They were being really difficult. I started yelling and used a cuss word. I think it was "Dammit! You kids need to stop messing around and stop whining. I'm so fed up." My husband than yells I shouldn't say that in front of the kids and how horrible it is that I've done that and they don't deserve that. Immediately after I had yelled it I felt terrible and horrible about myself. Like I'm the worst mother ever and my kids are going to be hurt from this. Then when my husband chimes in that I'm also being horrible I escalate further into self hatred. I leave the house. I cry uncontrollably in the car and have suicidal thoughts but can't tell anyone cause what will they think of a mother who yells at her children. I can't talk to my mom, or a dr, or anyone. I start feeling like my husband deserves a better wife. One that is kind hearted and patient and that gets more housework done. One with faith in the church we are a part of, one with energy. That my kids would be better with whatever wife he replaces me with. That all would really be better if I died, even if they don't think so initially.

These are the moments that I know I'm overreacting, but to express it to a dr. or somone cause I need to express how I feel...I get scared that they will see me how I see myself and lock me away or take my kids away.

Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2016 4:25 pm
by asimplenest
this was a while ago and I went on fluoxetine. I was on it for a year and recently came off and depression is back. I felt I could go off cause I left my religion which I feel lis a great contributor to my over guilting myself. I felt really good, then about a month after quitting (after getting headaches and vertigo etc ) I start feeling this again. easy to anger and just tired tired tired tired. And like I'm kind of worthless cause I get nothing done and i don't know where to start.

Re: Motherhood and therapy?

Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2016 10:09 am
by Ender
I am in the exact position now. I do go to therapy but I can't openly express my feelings or thoughts for the same reason you said. I love my children more than anything. My depression and anxiety are ruining everything to the point that I feel like a horrible mother. I'm a easily frustrated and angered and then I isolate myself and leave my SO to watch after our children alone. I'm trying to figure out how to remedy this. I'm on meds currently which seem to have stopped working completely. It's an awful feeling. (((Hugs to you)))

Re: Motherhood and therapy?

Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2016 10:20 am
by chocolatebutterfly
I have a lot of the same issues and feelings you are describing. I had had depression and anxiety before I had kids, but this time (I have 2 little kids) it is different. I get intense rages (which is really when I am angry with myself). I love my kids so much but feel that being like this is hurting them, yet I don't know how to stop it. Am leaving my husband to do more than he should have to because I just can't manage, and feel he deserves better.
But - on the more positive - I have been to a therapist, and she says these are totally normal symptoms of postnatal depression (my latest bout started when my youngest was a couple of months old though I didn't seek treatment until much later when I had to go back to work and just couldn't cope). It may be that this is a cultural thing (I am in the UK), that there is more acceptance of mothers with mental health issues here. But it could also be that it would be worth seeing someone who specialises in postnatal depression? Because what you are describing is not uncommon, and not everyone loses their kids over it. People here have been pretty supportive. The only thing they check is, am I likely to harm my kids. But since there is no way I would ever do that, and I tell them so, they seem reassured and there has never been any threat of them being taken away from me.
It's strange, my main motivators to get better are my family, I want to be a better wife and mother. But, what keeps me trapped in feeling ashamed and hating myself is realising that I am not the mother I want to be at the moment. What I am beginning to realise though, is that you have to want to get better FOR YOU, not for your family, otherwise it won't work fully. Right now I'm working on even thinking that I might be worth that.
I just wanted to say you're not alone. And I don;t really know whether your fears are justified, where you are - but you might be surprised about how understanding people can be if you do reach out. They would probably try you on medication first anyway if you see a doctor. Maybe try to find a therapist who has experience of working with people with families.