Don't know what to do

[Ks81072]

I'm completely at a loss.....I know it isn't good for me to feel so much bitterness and hate. I find myself getting angry at people that are happy, wondering "Why don't I deserve that?"......I don't think I'm a bad person. I am honest, and loyal to the death to the people i care about. Yet time and again, I get lied to, used and betrayed by people who claim to love me. There are times when I can almost hear the time bomb ticking in my skull. Other times, I feel like the loneliness is going to crush me. I don't have any experience with medication, as I have never really been diagnosed. My work schedule doesn't permit me the free time to do the things I enjoy in order to "decompress". Everyone around me keeps telling me "it will be alright......"

Yeah???? When?

Rant over.

[AquariusMoon]

Hi I feel ya! How long have you been feeling this way? I unlike you don't feel angry or bitter. It's more like 'whatever I guess it'll be like this always'. And just accept it.
Do you find being angry at yourself more so than at others?

[CitM]

I think you and AquariusMoon are at different points of the process.

Personally, I thought that feeling upset about being depressed or severely anxious a bad thing. And it was at the time. However, when I was able to let it come to the surface for awhile, I found out just how out of control it can make me feel, and get me to be, if I let it have free reign for too long.

So, my advice, for what it is worth, is to go for getting your full function back, your personality back, and your life back, because I realize, that is exactly what you should be after. That is exactly what I'm striving for.

There is such a thing as grieving about your situation, and that's normal. Anger and bitterness is a part of that. However, realize that your life is more like the Willie Nelson song "The Gambler," and so is mine, and so is anyone hard hit with health that changes for the worse for awhile.

Also, I like the line "Never Give Up, and Never Surrender." You have to do both for that to really work though.. because never surrendering while giving up leads to a bad outcome.

[Ks81072]

Honestly, I've felt like this for so long I can't remember feeling anything else. I guess it's a mix of both, being angry at myself as much as everyone around me. I'm truly disgusted by what I see in the mirror every day. I don't have a clue how to crawl out of this hole....

[100footpole]

I don't have a clue how to crawl out of this hole....

Did you see Mary's other post about:

If you cannot change something, change the way you think about it

Is there anything you can do to make your hole a little nicer? If not, there are a whole bunch of threads on here by people who feel ABSOLUTELY powerless. I'm sure it gets boring on here for them, since others keep talking about taking small positive steps.

Do you believe you are absolutely powerless, or do you think you are just blocked for new things to try?

[Ks81072]

Feels more like powerless. No matter what I do, or how I try to do things differently, the end result is always the same. I'm the one who is left sitting alone, sifting through the ashes. I don't know if that's just the kind of people I draw toward me or what......Every single person I have ever put my trust in has betrayed and abandoned me. Add the fact that I feel like a gutless turd for even caring so much about it. I tell myself I should be strong enough to face life without having "someone", but I'm not. When I'm alone, it's impossible for me to make my demons be silent.

[100footpole]

This is the kind of thing:

I don't know if that's just the kind of people I draw toward me or what......Every single person I have ever put my trust in has betrayed and abandoned me.

That therapy can help with.

I'm on the other side of the trust boundary. I do not have a feeling of trust for anyone, which gives me intimacy issues, which therapy has helped me with. The issues are like "phobias", I am afraid to say things that would make me look vulnerable, so I recognize that feeling, and then try to fight it.

For you the things that you learn in therapy might be completely different ... you might learn to 2nd think your feelings when you feel trust ...

I think what therapy provides is an insight into life as an ongoing learning process. The person who invented the saying "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." was depressed.[/quote]