Do you isolate from those you love?

[cat]

Hey folks, thanks for reading.

As you know, my boyfriend of several years has been isolating a lot lately for weeks at a time. Says it "Hurts" to see me, always referring to guilt for things he has done in the past which I have never even brought up, shame, insists he's a disappointment, etc.

I belive he actually manipluates his friends into telling him he's no good, etc. as they all care me very much and he will show up and say all sorts of stuff which always results in them telling him how F'd, stupid, etc. he is "She's too good for you" etc. I've obviously asked them to stop doing that as it always results in his isolation. No notice, no progression, just disappears.

I've spoken to some health professionals and learned a lot just by reading others posts here. The professionals I spoke to stated that often times a depressant will isolate from those they love the most because they almost think they're doing them a favor, do not trust themselves around people they love, and also fear that they can't "cover up" their situation with those that really care, etc.

I'm doing my best to learn about this disease in an effort to be as supportive as I can.

Does this hit a cord with anyone and would you be willing to provide any examples of this in your own experiences.

[hey-its-ok]

All the best Cat, i'm sorry i can't help you with this, but i hope someone in this forum can. I hope all works out quickly for you and your bf!

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((( Cat )))))))))))))))

Keep learning and trying. Wish I had answers for you but can only send encouragement to you.

Warmie

[cat]

He said that the guilt of not talking to me snowballs. 2 days turns into 4 and then he doesn't know what to say because he hasn't talked to me in that long, feels ashamed so he can't bring himself to call then its 6 days and the feelings are worse, and so on.

I've never said anything like "Where have you been" because I do understand from researching this condition that its not on purpose.

I just don't know if, as a loved one of a depressant, do you keep showing support when someone is isolating by means of a kind email, sporadic phone call, etc. or does that make it worse and they just need to be left alone to deal with thier stuff.

It should be noted that he is currently not treating to my knowledge.

[Emotional_77]

I tend to push people I love the most away from me. I dont know why I do this, and I hardly notice when I'm doing it until I get them mad at me and not wanting to talk to me. I really cling on to those who are close to me, so much that I think I tend to drive them away. Once I find someone I try to hold on to them so much so they don't leave but the opposite happens. Those who have depression handle it in many different ways, I know one of the ways is isolation.

To your question of if you should leave them alone, thats not always true cause he could be testing you to see if you would do everything in your power to help him out. I know I did that and wanted the person to help me and not just leave me alone. But again, I cant say if this is for sure what he wants cause everyone is different.

Many hugs to you and wishes.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Tried not to do that, but in situation I have been in, it is sometimes the best that I do.

[cat]

he could be testing you to see if you would do everything in your power to help him out.

I felt, in a way, that he was doing that when I hadn't heard from him for a few weeks. He knows me and knows I would not just accept that. If he didn't want me to show up to check on him he would have come up with some excuse why he had been MIA so that I wouldn't.

He also recently sent a friend to his house to let the dog out when he was working late. He has worked late many times in the last months but never asked this friend to go take his dog out. His friend was shocked at his living conditions and I felt that he sent him there on purpose as sort of a cry for help...testing his friend in a way OR subconciously hoping for a tongue lashing to feed his pain. "Your a lazy loser, your living like a scumbag" etc. I asked his friend not to approach it like that as that would just feed the disease.

Thank you for your reply Emotional. I have suspected that he was testing me and now his friend and you have helped me solidify that perspective.

Tried not to do that, but in situation I have been in, it is sometimes the best that I do.

This is what he says! "I'm no good for anyone." As if he's doing his loved ones a "favor" by staying away. "I don't want to hurt you anymore" but he doesn't see that what hurts us is being shut out. Its not just me, he has isolated form his family as well.

Thank you Jeanie.

I've been surfing posts on here in an effort to learn as much as I can, especially gain insight regarding the struggle those suffering from depression experience. I want to understand so that I know how to help.

Thank you all for your guidence.

[Emotional_77]

This is what he says! "I'm no good for anyone." As if he's doing his loved ones a "favor" by staying away. "I don't want to hurt you anymore"

I have those thoughts alot with my depression.

[cat]

Thanks Emotional.

Alot of it stems from things he did before we knew he was suffering from depression. He left me and our home and went to another state with no notice, once he got there, wanted to come back but didn't have the money to. He left owing me money and our house was a construction sight. I managed it all on my own.

I have never placed blame on him for any of this as I always knew that something was terribly wrong for him to do such a thing. I have always had the attitude of "It happened, lets move past it and work through this together" but its like he can't forgive HIMSELF so he isolates from me.

He doesn't get any support from his family so I can understand more isolating from them. They remind him of his mistakes, blame, and shame him. They refuse to see that he is suffering even though depression runs on both sides of his family?

Is there any way to convey that its hurts us loved ones more to be shut out without inflicting guilt?

[Emotional_77]

You got to try to get through to him that you are there to support him all the way and you are not going to seek any doubt in him. He probably thinks you doubt him because he cant handle money well, you got to let him know that you understand (how much you can fully understand that is) about what he is or might be going through and will be at his side through it all. Now, dont ask me how to do this, you can look up sites on the internet, talk to a therapist, talk in the chatroom on here. But dont think im right though, this is just all opinions sweety on how it may help you.

plenty of hugs and luck.

[SoulInDespair]

Hi, I'm new but your topic caught my eye because your boyfriend could be me. I'm a big isolationist. I've isolated myself from my family...for good reasons...pretty much for the same reason you described about your boyfriend with his family.

Alot of times, I isolate myself because I don't feel I'm good enough to be anyones friend or soul mate. That I have nothing to offer them. That I'm a failure and I'm afriad they see that in me. Sometimes I do it to push people away just to prove to myself that their leaving me is proof I'm no good, that I'm a terrible human being and deserve to be alone. That only ends up deepening my despair and so I isolate myself even more.

I've never known what it's like to be truly cared about. My family certainly never did and sometimes that makes me emotionally latch onto anyone who pays me attention in a desperate hope to fill that hole they left. Alot of times, I'll test that person loyalty to me because I've been hurt so many times by people who really never cared and left. Only problem with the testing is that alot of people don't know they're being tested and end up failing the test and that only ends up increasing ones self-loathing. For me I know that I wish that I had one true friend who would say "I don't care what you say about yourself to me or how often you isolate yourself. I'm not going to give up on you. I'm not going turn my back on you. You're my friend and I think you're worth fighting for."

Now I don't know if this is whats going thru your boyfriends head but I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't felt this way at some point. Maybe, he's seeking validation from you that he's worth something and if you or another of his friends sticks by him despite everything then maybe, just maybe, there are other people in this world who will see value in him too. I know that's how I feel about things.

[szatsme]

From my own experience I tend to isolate people as well when I go through depression (as I am now). My friends know when I'm like this and they stay away, as I want them to. My family will never turn their backs on me. They constantly call and monitor me. I've gone through this many times. What I feel is....I'm so ashamed to be this way, I don't want anyone to see me like this, thus the feeling of isolation. Just wanted to comment. I hope this helps.

[Emotional_77]

and sometimes that makes me emotionally latch onto anyone who pays me attention in a desperate hope to fill that hole they left. Alot of times, I'll test that person loyalty to me because I've been hurt so many times by people who really never cared and left. Only problem with the testing is that alot of people don't know they're being tested and end up failing the test and that only ends up increasing ones self-loathing. For me I know that I wish that I had one true friend who would say "I don't care what you say about yourself to me or how often you isolate yourself. I'm not going to give up on you. I'm not going turn my back on you. You're my friend and I think you're worth fighting for."

same here *hugs you*

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Opening your heart and mind to another, for me, has put me back into that 'isolation mood'. Guess that is life.

[Emotional_77]

(((((((((Jeanie)))))))))))))