Relationships during and after depression

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Relationships during and after depression

Postby Sarah » Tue Dec 16, 2014 11:07 pm

"After depression" isn't entirely accurate, as mine seems to be lifelong thing. I've had my severe major depression relatively managed for about six months now, though, more so than it's ever been.

I began my current relationship six and a half years ago, soon after I'd finished undergrad school. I was in a decent place then, having been on my first run of antidepressants for a little over a year. Since, I've been on and off several medications, all of which did little more than make me apathetic to most everything: my grad school prospects, my job, my future. I got mired in a retail job I hated, and as years passed, further schooling became less and less of a possibility. Yet, through all of it, I kept up with this relationship. We had some things in common, he accepted me for who I was, and it was my first relationship ever. He told me he loved me about a year in, and I said it back, and after some serious shit involving him almost dying, I said yes to us moving in together.

We've been living together for a bit under two years now. At the beginning of this year, after my depression had gotten bad enough that I was seriously considering suicide and having dangerous delusional thoughts involving hurting others, I made the decision to get real help from an actual psychiatrist. A handful of months after he prescribed my current meds, I made almost a complete 180. I'm now in grad school, working toward a degree I can actually do something with, and I feel like a different person.

I don't know that my boyfriend and I are compatible any longer.

He certainly changed too, after his near-death experience. He calmed down a bit, I guess I'd say. He doesn't drink nearly as much as he did, though he smokes weed almost constantly these days. He also went back to school, working on getting his undergrad degree in biology. He talks about wanting to travel, to see the world, which I'm totally on board with. But he also talks about wanting to move away from people, wanting to live in the middle of nowhere, when he knows I'm a city body. We don't go out much, partly because he doesn't like being around people. Really, he's become more like I was during the early part of our relationship. And now I want to go out, to experience things, but having spent so much time in a depressive state, I've done well at shutting out most of my old friends. He's about all I have. That's not healthy.

I hate the thought that I've wasted six years of his life with me while I was wasting my own. And I do care about him. It's just... since getting healthier, I see differences between us that also exist between my mom and dad. And if I'm being completely honest, I don't know that my mom is entirely happy. I don't want to end up not happy because I feel guilty ending this long of a relationship. I don't know what to do.

Anyone on here get your depression managed and then realize your relationship might no longer work?

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Postby jvincent » Wed Dec 17, 2014 4:28 am

The way you describing yourself and your situation,, it sounds like someone who just woke up from a coma. You make it sound like you are looking around noticing that you are in a place that nurtured you in that state, and truly loves you in that state, so you are comfortable there. However you just figured out you don’t want to be in a coma anymore. I know too many couples who got together while one or both were chemically dependent in one way or another. And yes everything changed when one or both got off or changed meds, drugs or got their head somewhat straight. So what you are talking about is not uncommon. I did not bother trying to communicate with someone in a similar situation. I just left. I have always regretted not at least trying. so all I can can say is at least try to communicate what you need in a relationship to your partner.

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Postby 100footpole » Wed Dec 17, 2014 11:00 am

I agree with JVincent.

Weed is a pleasant drug, and I look forward to doing it in the retirement home. Smoking constantly at a young age is giving up.

A strategy you might try is to find a movie that shows some of the changes you'd like to see, watching the movie, and then having a frank discussion with your friend.

I recommend the "Up series of documentaries" By Michael Apted. Compare and Contrast Neil, Nick, and Bruce.

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Postby CrazyKiss » Sat Dec 20, 2014 1:33 pm

Its really good that u have got the help u needed all a long and thats a huge acheivement. Must of taken hard work for u to see how life can have a different effect on people when they cant see the bigger picture.

Im sorry to hear about ur relationship at the moment. Have u tried talking to ur bf about how ur feeling or is it not working? Maybe u need some time away from him and see wether the bond u both had are still there and if not then call it a day. Not like u dont have to be friends but just asking him how he is on a daily basis is a good thing.

How are u two at the moment? You said he smokes weed. I get that as the guy Im seeing does two and hes exactly the same as ur bf is but i Havent been with him for long. Good that he wants to change and u should give him a pat on the back for that. I think its actions u need to see then words.

Whats ur life like now? Is it better now ur thinking differently or are u about to just manage with things? Your not on ur own and everyone on here has or is going through Drpression. I am two.

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Postby LuisSteven » Wed Mar 04, 2015 2:08 am

Hello Sarah,

Both partners need to be responsible for their own life. If one partner is responsible for everything in the relationship, then it isn’t going to work out. Let your loved ones know that even though you are struggling with depression symptoms, you still care about them. If you have lost interest, your partner needs to know that he or she is still desirable. Keeping your feelings inside creates distance.

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