I don't understand how people can live?

[helloroll]

Hello, new here. I hope you don't mind my ranting too much, I just want to air it out and just get it out of my system.

I'm 17 with depression and a large dread of going outside, whether or not it can truly be called agoraphobia I'm unsure of, as on occasion I can force myself to leave. Problem being is that on occasion tends to be once every few months.

I've been going back to school occasionally for the past two weeks and I feel nothing but haggard, drained, and depressed. I am a disappointment. But I don't want to have it looming over me all the time. It's not like I'm going to off myself but I just don't understand living. I know I'm young, but the future is a void to me. I don't have hobbies, interests, skills, and even the things I like I definitely wouldn't live for. I mean, yeah The Walking Dead is good but I'm not gonna live another year for it.

Everything just feels useless to me. I can't handle "one day at a time". I want things over with already. So I'm no longer in a nice, established school, I've been held back, going to some no name high school, going on credit recovery, ending up in community college, and have others deem me as a failure. Academics were the only sense of pride and accomplishment I had. Now I have nothing. There are no day to day joys or "well, at least I'm fairly smart" self-encouragement to keep me going. Life is only going to get harder, I don't know how I'll be able to handle it.

I'm just going to get through high school, only to get through college because that's what is expected of me, get a job, get fired or leave that job rinse and repeat until I hopefully find a stable one, retire, then die. Life just seems so meaningless. I don't understand how people can possibly want to live. It's just so painful.

[intheprocess]

Hi, do you have a counselor and are you on a med? Both would help immensely.

[writeagain]

Helloroll,
I'm sorry you are in pain. I know how hard it is, but you are NOT a failure. You are 17 with your whole life in front of you. I challenge you to make a list of everything that is outside that you like. Everyday try to go outside- even if its just walking around your house. You'll find that eventually going outside becomes easier. If going to school is hard maybe take online classes at home. Find a councilor. They can help you manage all that anxiety in your life. You WILL live through this. I have faith in you. You don't need society or anyone to accept you. Only YOU have to accept who you are. You WILL have a beautiful amazing future. I'm sure of it

Good Luck,
writeagain

[SkaterDrew]

You could seek a counselor, he/she might be a big help for you. You're young, make yourself free from anything that goes you down. I hope you'll feel better, I know you will.