It occurs to me perhaps why I'm stuck, why I can't think my way out, why I have no solutions when I used to have many. How did I get here? Sometimes I wake up stunned. Often it takes a while, but at some point each morning reality sets in and I'm faced with a future of diminishing security, but more frightening, a future of diminished significance. It occurs to me that, while my goal setting skills were never all that great setting goals these days brings me back to the 'picking alphabets out of oatmeal' metaphor.
Set aside for a moment that the world is collapsing, or at least shifting in ways confounding and astounding to the human race. Set aside for a moment that my life has reached a critical stage where all the choices are much much more difficult than I'm prepared for, than I ever expected. Set aside the fact that there are so few resources, so few people who I can turn to for support, or even to talk about my life on a daily basis.
I was born under the astrological sign of Gemini. While I never bound my fate all that tightly to the stars I always found it intriguing that they foretold my character as a twin because I did seem to have two sides. Until about ten years ago I always thought about my two sides as fairly equal: one side fun / the other serious, one side creative / the other logical. It never occurred that one side might be smart and the other stupid. There is a solid history of me placing way up there on intelligence tests; enough to get me into a series schools, challenges, and jobs that I soon after floundered in.
As often as I can see value and meaning, problems and solutions, histories and possibilities; that's as often (I guess) that I can't follow a conversation, can't see the continuity of my actions, can't set and follow a process. I used to get the equivocal feeling to that was struggling to comprehend some deep and important concept. I think I know now, that I'm very often struggling to remember how to spell the simplest words, to grasp their meaning, and assemble them into a thought. It's tiring. It takes time.
The logical twin to my creative side isn't clever, he's vapid. The deeper twin side to my mechanic isn't insightful, he's chaos. I've always been told I just have to grow up; learn some discipline; get organized. Accordingly, I've set ambitious goals in high places and failed. I've set modest goals in more comfortable environments and found, not only that I didn't belong, was urged to strive higher, but I was frustrated and bored.
So, here I am now. I'm in physical (financial), intellectual, and emotional chaos. I don't know what the next step is. It occurs to me perhaps I'm stuck because I have grown up, got some discipline, and I've found that I'm carrying a twin which will always be here to plunge me into confusion. I'm 52 and he's not going away. I'm not going to organize or grow out of him. And that's stressful, chronically. And that's depressing, chronically. So what goals should I set? What should I strive for that gives my life some meaning? What do I reach for that doesn't end in more failure and heartache? How do stabilize this life, sustain this heart?
Conjuring Goals
Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
Hi Frame,
I have three words in mind: ying and yang.
Your goal: find the balance between your two sides (twins), learn to be happy with that. I mean you have to accept, even love what's your basis, your inbeeing. And then, you can work to change some things you don't like, but be sure your inbeeing will always stay the same and you need to find your way, your happiness through it.
I read you for a few weeks now and you remind me of a book: The Unbearable Lightness of Being from Kundera. If you haven't read it yet, I strongly suggest it. I think you'll like it.
About the astrological signs, we all have a second and a third one. And with time, while you get older, the second is supposed to take more place and then, the third. Read about it.
I hope my post help you.
Sorry for the bad English.
Take care.
I have three words in mind: ying and yang.
Your goal: find the balance between your two sides (twins), learn to be happy with that. I mean you have to accept, even love what's your basis, your inbeeing. And then, you can work to change some things you don't like, but be sure your inbeeing will always stay the same and you need to find your way, your happiness through it.
I read you for a few weeks now and you remind me of a book: The Unbearable Lightness of Being from Kundera. If you haven't read it yet, I strongly suggest it. I think you'll like it.
About the astrological signs, we all have a second and a third one. And with time, while you get older, the second is supposed to take more place and then, the third. Read about it.
I hope my post help you.
Sorry for the bad English.
Take care.
Hello, Frame.
I just opened this topic and found the words that describe much of what I feel like. I'm very conscious of the label of "failure". That label is dished out by another fragment of my psyche (other than smart/stupid, motivated/unmotivated, etc.) I started to make visualization efforts to combat him, because he is very dangerous for the well-being of every other fragment concerned (not realizing that by critisizing and hurting the stupid and unmotivated he is also hurting their conjoined opposites).
That visualization was the result of the Dream Work (per "Inner Work" by Robert Johnson). I don't know if you heard about it or tried it. Now, I'm a total failure in that endeavour because of a lack of discipline and substantial creative effort involved in the technique:)
PS I got to the end of my re-read of "Denial of death" with as much of confusion as I had before....plus a little more dislike of a hyper-critical stance the author takes on many occasions addressing human weaknesses. What is one to do if he thinks he failed in his "hero projects", or, even worse, succeeded in all of them, but cannot find any more worthwhile pursuing?
I just opened this topic and found the words that describe much of what I feel like. I'm very conscious of the label of "failure". That label is dished out by another fragment of my psyche (other than smart/stupid, motivated/unmotivated, etc.) I started to make visualization efforts to combat him, because he is very dangerous for the well-being of every other fragment concerned (not realizing that by critisizing and hurting the stupid and unmotivated he is also hurting their conjoined opposites).
That visualization was the result of the Dream Work (per "Inner Work" by Robert Johnson). I don't know if you heard about it or tried it. Now, I'm a total failure in that endeavour because of a lack of discipline and substantial creative effort involved in the technique:)
PS I got to the end of my re-read of "Denial of death" with as much of confusion as I had before....plus a little more dislike of a hyper-critical stance the author takes on many occasions addressing human weaknesses. What is one to do if he thinks he failed in his "hero projects", or, even worse, succeeded in all of them, but cannot find any more worthwhile pursuing?
-
Alaska1958
- Posts: 178
- Joined: Sat Jul 06, 2013 11:23 pm
Hello my friend.
I always wanted to be a Gemini. I was born on June 22nd and just missed the deadline. Got stuck being a crab instead. Used to have a joke book of horoscopes and my favorite was "you have delusions of adequacy". It was meant as a joke, but it really struck home with me.
I don't seem to be able to come up with much good advice for anyone lately.
I'm always good for a sympathetic ear though.
I always wanted to be a Gemini. I was born on June 22nd and just missed the deadline. Got stuck being a crab instead. Used to have a joke book of horoscopes and my favorite was "you have delusions of adequacy". It was meant as a joke, but it really struck home with me.
I don't seem to be able to come up with much good advice for anyone lately.
I'm always good for a sympathetic ear though.
Values; without values how can there be direction?
Direction; without direction, without focus how can there be meaning?
Meaning; without meaning how can there be goals?
Success; without goals how can there be effort much less success?
Worth; without having something we call success, how can there be any worth?
Hope; It's not enough to have values (concepts, ideas). There has to be something (tangible) out there worth the effort.
The chain is broken at meaning. I can not understand what anything means. I have values, I even see follow directions; but without meaning not for long. I don't understand what it means; I can't set goals; I don't succeed; I have become worthless; I've run out of hope.
Worthless and Hopeless;
Simple.
Oh P.S. Karolanne; I reserved the ...Lightness of Being. (Hope it's not too heavy; I can't handle that right now.)
Oh P.P.S. no_answer; I haven't been able to find that book. I think it's out of print. For a Pulitzer prize winner, he's pretty obscure. Even though my two sides are unequal, I think I can accept that inequality. My trouble is that, after fifty some odd years of learning or inventing compensation techniques, I'm fairly confident that techniques and discipline will not overcome the mechanical brain wiring. That's basically why I'm am so depressed, desperate, and the end of my rope. There really is no where clear to go.
Oh P.P.P.S. Alaska; Being a June baby isn't all it's cracked up to be. (Strawberries on the birthday cake are OK.) I could use a more unified personality.
Direction; without direction, without focus how can there be meaning?
Meaning; without meaning how can there be goals?
Success; without goals how can there be effort much less success?
Worth; without having something we call success, how can there be any worth?
Hope; It's not enough to have values (concepts, ideas). There has to be something (tangible) out there worth the effort.
The chain is broken at meaning. I can not understand what anything means. I have values, I even see follow directions; but without meaning not for long. I don't understand what it means; I can't set goals; I don't succeed; I have become worthless; I've run out of hope.
Worthless and Hopeless;
Simple.
Oh P.S. Karolanne; I reserved the ...Lightness of Being. (Hope it's not too heavy; I can't handle that right now.)
Oh P.P.S. no_answer; I haven't been able to find that book. I think it's out of print. For a Pulitzer prize winner, he's pretty obscure. Even though my two sides are unequal, I think I can accept that inequality. My trouble is that, after fifty some odd years of learning or inventing compensation techniques, I'm fairly confident that techniques and discipline will not overcome the mechanical brain wiring. That's basically why I'm am so depressed, desperate, and the end of my rope. There really is no where clear to go.
Oh P.P.P.S. Alaska; Being a June baby isn't all it's cracked up to be. (Strawberries on the birthday cake are OK.) I could use a more unified personality.
A.S 4Everme;
Ha, Ha, I like your two cake theory. If anyone deserves them It's us twins.
If only happiness lasted.... I feel like people who, rightly or wrongly, believe they have the meaning of life, they have a faith or something that pulls them through; that stretches that happiness over a longer patch. But me, I know I'm confused, I know I don't understand. Happiness falls to the ground like a lead balloon.
Ha, Ha, I like your two cake theory. If anyone deserves them It's us twins.
If only happiness lasted.... I feel like people who, rightly or wrongly, believe they have the meaning of life, they have a faith or something that pulls them through; that stretches that happiness over a longer patch. But me, I know I'm confused, I know I don't understand. Happiness falls to the ground like a lead balloon.
This is not meant to refer to anyone else's words but mine.
I wrote:Thoughtless words: just so many thoughtless words. I aim for meaning. I yearn for meaning. Words should count. Words should be attached to thoughts. Thoughts should be attached to meaning. Thoughts should count.
To fight death, to fight poverty, ignorance, prejudice, insanity, ... there has to be an enemy to fight. I feel like I am the only enemy here.
Return to “Living with Depression and other Related Health Concerns”
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 231 guests