Can't Handle the Loneliness Much Longer
Posted: Fri Aug 16, 2013 8:28 pm
I've lived with this for far too long. I've tried to do something about it, to no avail. I live with my older brother, mother and father. One big happy family right? Close. I seem to be the only downer here. When I was younger I didn't have a care in the world, nothing could bother me. My parents let me do anything I wanted to do, for example, when I asked my parents if I could pick up the violin they were enthusiastic about it, when I wanted to join the tennis team they were so excited. And then low self-esteem happened, all down hill from there. I was starting to stop talking and started to show less emotion, for lack of a better term.
The only thing that didn't change was when I was really excited about something I got loud and happy again, like when I got first place in track. I wanted to talk all about it to my mom, tell her all the details. And when I finished, I got a simple response, "Oh that's nice." No emotion in it absolutely nothing, and oh boy did I look for it. She acts like she has no time for me. I at least want to have a conversation with her, I don't want to be the only one talking in it. Or she just ignores me completely, I have to repeat what I'm saying to get even get her to talk to me. On the rare occasion that she asks me about my day I give a happy response, even if it wasn't a good day at all. But somehow the end of these conversations are that I end up saying something wrong and she gets so angry, she starts throwing things all over the place and screaming at me, calling me every name in the book. My mom has said time and time again that she thinks I hate her (honestly it really hurts my feelings, it makes me think I need to try harder to please her) and with her dramatic actions I always thought she hated me, still think she does actually. And the whole thing with not talking to me ever, kind of brings me to that assumption.
And of course, when my brother talks to her, I can hear her laughing all the way upstairs, even if I have my door closed. If I make an attempt at a joke, I get a blank face back. My brother talks to my mom all the time and I can't even strike up a conversation and if I actually can, it doesn't last 10 minutes. My dad just decides not to talk to me that much, he does talk to me more than my mom but barely, the thing is is that when he gets back from work he goes across the hall and talks to my brother, my door is wide open waiting for someone to talk to me, but no, no one can seem to spare a minute to come in and say hello. My dad doesn't talk to me unless I talk to him first, I have to start the conversation. So I guess my brother got the attention and I got the stuff. In all honesty I can't handle this anymore. I've dealt with this longer than I thought it would go on. And I am one step away from making it stop for good.
Sorry about the length of this entry and if the topics were a bit messy, I'll keep it organized next time.
The only thing that didn't change was when I was really excited about something I got loud and happy again, like when I got first place in track. I wanted to talk all about it to my mom, tell her all the details. And when I finished, I got a simple response, "Oh that's nice." No emotion in it absolutely nothing, and oh boy did I look for it. She acts like she has no time for me. I at least want to have a conversation with her, I don't want to be the only one talking in it. Or she just ignores me completely, I have to repeat what I'm saying to get even get her to talk to me. On the rare occasion that she asks me about my day I give a happy response, even if it wasn't a good day at all. But somehow the end of these conversations are that I end up saying something wrong and she gets so angry, she starts throwing things all over the place and screaming at me, calling me every name in the book. My mom has said time and time again that she thinks I hate her (honestly it really hurts my feelings, it makes me think I need to try harder to please her) and with her dramatic actions I always thought she hated me, still think she does actually. And the whole thing with not talking to me ever, kind of brings me to that assumption.
And of course, when my brother talks to her, I can hear her laughing all the way upstairs, even if I have my door closed. If I make an attempt at a joke, I get a blank face back. My brother talks to my mom all the time and I can't even strike up a conversation and if I actually can, it doesn't last 10 minutes. My dad just decides not to talk to me that much, he does talk to me more than my mom but barely, the thing is is that when he gets back from work he goes across the hall and talks to my brother, my door is wide open waiting for someone to talk to me, but no, no one can seem to spare a minute to come in and say hello. My dad doesn't talk to me unless I talk to him first, I have to start the conversation. So I guess my brother got the attention and I got the stuff. In all honesty I can't handle this anymore. I've dealt with this longer than I thought it would go on. And I am one step away from making it stop for good.
Sorry about the length of this entry and if the topics were a bit messy, I'll keep it organized next time.