Bit of Darkness on a Monday.

Everyday life. How was your day?

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Frame
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Bit of Darkness on a Monday.

Postby Frame » Mon Aug 12, 2013 6:44 am

It has happened, it seems, all my life. I wake, especially on a Monday morning, with a deep foreboding; with a certainty that, whatever the day should bring, failure will be the result. It's like I have already failed and that today is simply part of the punishment.

I wake at 5AM with no sense of discovery, no curiosity, no hope; just a deep sense of sub-standard achievement. I took a bike ride yesterday and at one point as I rode a stranger yelled out; "Jesus saves, all you got to do is ask him." #%&*@!; I ask! I pray; I try all the suggestions I come across. I prayed last night; I prayed this morning; I prayed when I woke in the middle of the night sweating.

If I'm a failure, that's because I give up so much of my time and energy to overcoming a desire to crumble to the floor and die. Without this anchor, I believe I could soar. And the worst part is, it seems, the better a week goes, the worse I feel on a Monday morning. I'm more comfortable in free fall. When I begin to pull out of the dive, the darkness deepens.

Sure; I've got lots of positivity, many affirming thoughts, prayers of gratitude. But at 6AM on a Monday morning they're all safely locked away in an impenetrable vault. No one likes me; no one lends a hand; no one cares enough to check up on me. Who needs this kind of downer. I will always be alone because I push people away before they rebuke me for being such a baby and leave on their own.

Maybe this should be in expressions; I don't know. This is me living. We're all solders looking for an honorable death. Part of me wants to do some amount of living that makes death worth dieing.

App
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Postby App » Wed Aug 14, 2013 8:53 am

Sorry you seem to be having such a rough trot lately, Frame. There's not much I can say @ the moment except assure you you're not alone.
A.

Pilule
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Postby Pilule » Thu Aug 15, 2013 9:53 am

You're lucky to still want to do thing, or are you like me and you don't do it because the results are not worth the effort?

Maybe if you take on one of these projects and finish it, it would get you away from this dark cloud instead of thinking about failure all the time.
For me, my life is over, I've done what I could and it wasn't much. I've given up wanting to do things anymore. It brings me nothing or very little and it's never worth the effort. I have given up on a lot of things and it didn't change my life one bit.

I look back on the last 35 years and all I see is suffering and vanishing dreams.

The only positive thing in those 35 years is I got to know my nephews and nieces. I love them very much and I would do anything for them. But I'm worried sick that something would happen to them, or even worse, that one of them would suffer from depression, like me, it would kill me. I watch for the signs closely, so far so good.
Again, you're lucky to still want to do things, there's still hope.
For me, I'm waiting for it to end, the sooner the better.

veggiemark
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Postby veggiemark » Mon Aug 19, 2013 10:01 pm

im new here but I relate to these feelings that you both expressed
before I lost my job I was able to keeps those feelings in a manageable state. Now I feel useless without any value to the world. I can't even get a part time ,low wage job..2 years ago I was making 75 thousand a year.
I pray at night to die in my sleep.
even without knowing you,I understand
If only we could see how we are valuable,that we,as human beings ,bring value to others

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SilentWaters
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Postby SilentWaters » Tue Aug 20, 2013 5:31 am

I relate to this in a big way. Mondays are the worst... but then the wole week is just one long Monday, broken only by one very short Saturday (I can't imagine being one of those poor people who work on Saturdays too) and then half of Sunday is mostly just a pre-Monday.

It's so sad it's almost funny. Almost.

Anyway, I'm sorry you are also having such a hard time. But at least we are not alone. That's some small comfort.

veggiemark
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Postby veggiemark » Tue Aug 20, 2013 6:08 am

6am and I have been up an hour...came here to see if it would ease some pain. Dreading the coming day as if I were on death row and today was my last day to live
Yesterday was the " cheer up..be more positive" lecture day from the few friends I have left.... I know they mean well but they make me sick when the give me that speech

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SilentWaters
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Postby SilentWaters » Tue Aug 20, 2013 6:41 am

Hi veggiemark,

I completely understand what you are saying. Both about the dread and the "cheer-up" chat.

It's not really the friends fault, it's just extremely hard for someone who isn't in our shoes to realize what we have to go through. They just don't know what else to say and they feel like they have to say something. These are people who care about you... the way they express their care just isn't very good.

Personally, I go through every possible pain to prevent getting anymore of those chats. Pretending to be ok sucks, being ordered by someone to be ok is worse.

Frame
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Ants

Postby Frame » Tue Aug 20, 2013 7:09 am

On my way home last night:

There are good people out there
Good people
I'm surrounded by good people
I'm surrounded

I should feel snug
should I feel snug
Safe streets
Safe city

The week ends
The week begins
All the little ants go marching
Red and black antennas waving

If only I could do it the same way


We can't do it their way. They don't understand. They want to understand; they want to help, most of them, to varying degrees. But they don't live on our planet. We breath different air.
Last edited by Frame on Tue Aug 20, 2013 7:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

Frame
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Blabber

Postby Frame » Tue Aug 20, 2013 7:23 am

But I have to say; being here talking, blabbering, working a few things out in my head; it's help me to explain a little better to those closest to me. Posting has helped clarify the problem. It's not simple; it doesn't fit in a box or a regime. Sure there are things we can do, but we can't blame ourselves if we can't always do them, (I know; contradiction) and we must try not to let ourselves be blamed.

Most people can't quite get their minds around it, but it's become a popular topic so their at least listening. To educated intelligent people it's tough see our struggle as more than lack of motivation. So the better I can explain whats going on, and put it into the context of my life and what people around me see, the more credibility I gain. And who knows; down the road maybe we'll get some support from the ant colony.
Last edited by Frame on Tue Aug 20, 2013 7:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

Frame
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Post

Postby Frame » Tue Aug 20, 2013 7:25 am

So Post, Post, Post...
(Friday we Toast, Toast, Toast...[not really, I work on Saturday. But we can dream...sometimes.])

Frame
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Wondrous Complitation

Postby Frame » Tue Aug 20, 2013 8:16 am

Oh and Pilule; sorry to take so long to respond, but Yes, yes, yes; actually finishing projects has a wondrous effect. Times when my life was moving smoothly, I had so many balls in the air; bits and pieces and fragments, and lists and white boards and plans. Every day I got up in large part to attack those lists, cross things off, see things finished.

Holy crap; I just talked myself out of the whole thread. No...it wasn't finishing things; it was building things. Nothing ever got finished; but things got better. It was ("is") always always the trip not the destination. There was always another item appearing at the bottom of the list. But that was OK; there have been many times in my life when the path was filled with light and crossing things off the list meant building on a solid life. But that has changed. Perhaps it's an allusion I can no longer sustain. Now the path is full of darkness and shards of glass. I pick my way slowly through the brambles, get farther behind. The lists no longer coalesce into lucid projects; the building is crumbling.

Oh man; and all on a Tuesday. Well maybe that's OK. I might not make it through a Monday feeling like this, and it's best to get it out of the way early in the week. But I'm serious...

Alaska1958
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Postby Alaska1958 » Tue Aug 20, 2013 1:13 pm

This week for me too has started out dark. A cold front has moved down from the Arctic and brings with it an end to a warm summer. I am supposed to start a new job tomorrow, but the coming dark, cold winter ways heavily on me. Fighting my way through another year during which I'll only be able to keep my home warm with the help of a loving family hurts me. I didn't used to need this much help to get by. Every morning I wake up hating my wife. For 13 years I supported her while she built up a successful small business, but when times got tough for me she decided it was time for a divorce. This is the woman who told me she had only stayed married to me for the health insurance benefits that came with the job I used to have. When I asked her "what about all the years I supported you", she replied "that was then, this is now". I was desperately lonely when I met her and I saw in her the person I wanted to see, rather than the person she was.

I won't pretend that the trouble I'm having getting back on my feet is her fault, nor is she responsible for the lifetime of depression I've suffered from. But I was there for her when she needed me and I hate her for not being there for me when I need help.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Frame
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Postby Frame » Tue Aug 20, 2013 2:50 pm

That's alright Alaska; the bottom line is her choice was to take your support and not to help back. That's wrong; I understand. I have some of those feelings myself. I'm saying a prayer that your new job has unexpectedly positive benefits.

veggiemark
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Postby veggiemark » Tue Aug 20, 2013 5:18 pm

Thanks all and thank you silent waters
I went for an interview today for a minimum wage part time job and with all my qualifications I don't think I'm going to be hired.I won't know for sure for 24 hours but I got a bad vibe after the interview.I am moving to a cheaper apt in a few days and I'm not nearly prepared..even simple tasks are difficult for me now
If I don't find work soon,even the cheaper apt won't be affordable.I lived in my car when I was 20. At 60 plus it does not seem like a good alternative
I take some solace in knowing people here understand,unlike my few friends the just shake their heads
Thanks for listeming

Frame
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Postby Frame » Tue Aug 20, 2013 6:02 pm

Your welcome veggiemark. I mean your welcome to vent, or scream, ask for help. If I can help I...we will.


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