No one to talk to: alone & scared

[_js_sj_]

I suffer from depression - although hate to admit it - and in the past it has been incredibly bad, with me self-harming and having suicidal thoughts & half hearted attempts.

The only thing I ever found that helped was exercise: I train in martial arts for 5 years, earning a black belt, teaching classes of my own, competing and winning titles etc.. it was a few hours in each day where I felt ok, where I wasn't consumed in my own thoughts, and although it didn't solve any problems it was welcome relief.

However, I then suffered a bad injury which prevented me from training for at least a year. I carried on teaching, but it didn't have the same distracting effect and it felt like the only good thing in my life had been taken away from me.

So my depression got worse.. I counted the days until I could get back to full health so I could get back to taking part - until I was raped by my instructor. I now could never, have never, and will never go back.

With a large group of friends, I couldn't objectively call myself "lonely", but maybe calling them 'friends' isn't exactly accurate. We have a laugh and good times, but I can't be myself with them.. I don't have as much in common with them as I used to, as we've grown up my values and ideals have changed. I can't tell them my problems because I don't feel they'd listen - in the past when I've tried it felt like they were disinterested, or judging me. There were one or two people I could confide in, but with the amount of issues and depressive thoughts I had, I didn't want to keep burdening them, fearing that they'd get sick of me and leave.

With all my thoughts and problems staying in my own head, my life and state of mind kept getting worse and worse until, like mentioned, I was beginning suicide attempts.

At probably the lowest point of my life I found solace: a man who genuinely, completely and utterly loved me. We were together for only a few weeks when he found out about my depression (I didn't used to sleep much and cried almost all night most nights, which was hard to hide from someone sharing your bed) and he was so understanding, incredibly helpful, loyal, trustworthy etc. He was always there for me to talk to, give me advice or just a hug, he pushed me to go and get a degree like I always wanted to, meet new people, as well as seeing a therapist.

We were together for 2 years, on paper he seemed so perfect, yet a month ago I broke up with him.

After therapy, I seemed to grow, and he seemed to regress - acting like a child, insecure, lazy, unmotivated.. he had "settled" with me, planning a home, a family, etc, and this isn't what I wanted. I want to see the world, be young and spontaneous.. I realised, now I was stronger, that I only loved him because I thought no one else would.. that no one else would ever want to deal with my problems, and at the time, I was confident that there must be others out there.

However, now I realise that I'm slipping.. going back within myself, inside my own head.. keeping my thoughts and problems locked away, going round and round, building up and getting out of proportion in my mind.

I used to talk to him about everything, but now I can't. I have only my half "friends" which I can't relate to, my family is emotionally detached from everyone and everything, and not very close, which rules them out as confidants.

I feel utterly alone. I thought I was strong enough to make it in the world, discover it for myself, to see what I wanted and to live my own life. But it turns out I'm still that depressed teenager, who for a time managed to kid herself into delusions of confidence and grandeur.

Apologies for the long post, but I thought it best to offer background information. I suppose there's no real question here other than: how can I stop being so lonely?

Like many suffering from depression, my insecurities and low self esteem make it hard for me to make real friends (as mentioned, I get on well with people, able to joke and laugh with them on a surface level, but never anything stronger) Has anyone had a similar experience or problem? What can I do? I'm scared, I can feel myself slipping back to how I used to be.. and I'm so scared.

[JulesK]

Hi and thanks for sharing all of this. I think this is a great place to find support.

Even though I'm not the most outgoing person I do know what you mean about being lonely. Even though I like to be alone more than most people, I find myself avoiding people because of social discomfort, which I think is caused by the depression. I was pretty outgoing as a kid. But now, I can't believe anyone really likes me. When I talk with someone I'm always watching them for signs they're bored or irritated. (And it doesn't help that my sense of humor tends towards the off-kilter.) And even if they laugh and seem to enjoy the conversation my inner critic starts up with "You sound so stupid." "I can't believe you said THAT." "They aren't laughing with you, they are laughing AT you." And so on. If someone pays me a compliment, I get defensive because I KNOW they're either being sarcastic and making fun of me or they're just saying that because they feel sorry for me. Even when it is my husband!

So, social situations are not a lot of fun for me, but I still want to be around people (sometimes) and I do get lonely, but against that I have this constant pressure of being convinced that if I hang out with people, I'll set myself up for rejection.

So I guess this is a long-winded, round about way of asking if the depression might be feeding the loneliness? You say you broke up with a very nice gentleman, may I ask why is that? I kind of get from your post that you don't feel you deserve anything good in life (unless I'm projecting) but again, I'd bet that's the depression. It gets everywhere, like a poison gas.

SO, I guess I should also say I regard depression as an internal bully that is always making your life miserable and that you can't get at and give a smacking.

So. Where was I? OK, one of the things I do when I'm really struggling with depression and dark thoughts and feelings is to figure out what is TRUE and what is the depression? Sometimes it tones things down a bit, depression doesn't like it when you call it out. But at the very least it helps me get my head on straight.

It's (sorry to be crude) kind of like PMS? It turns my depression up to 1,100, to the point where I worry I'm on the verge of a psychotic break and I have atypical (for me) symptoms like intense rage. BUT, if I figure out (or more usually a friend tells me) it is the PMS (again) you ding-dong, I feel MUCH better just knowing it isn't ME, it is a bad batch of chemicals. So I try to do the same thing with the depression. I mean, I've been going through a long and pretty unpleasant MDE for about 6 months now. But if I can remember a time when I didn't feel that people were laughing at me when I talked to them, then I can say "Oh, that's the DEPRESSION talking." And at least feel a little bit more comfortable.

I feel I've talked myself in a circle.

[_js_sj_]

Thanks for your reply!
Yes I have the exact same social conflict: wanting to be alone, but also wanting to be around people. Very strange and frustrating. And again I also share your internal monologue of self-criticism of things I'm sure everyone else probably doesn't even give a second thought!

So yeah, it probably does fuel it to be honest. The constant insecurities and what I'm imagining people are thinking, and what I'm imagining are thinking of me means that conversation seems forced because I'm over thinking, which then creates tension/awkwardness, which leads me to believe that no one wants to talk to me, which makes me not want to spend time with people.... but then the less time I spend interacting with people, the more time spent in my own head which results in more over thinking... ugly circle.

I broke up with him because despite his help, it felt like when it came down to it, it was almost counter-productive. I became reliant on him, it was like he controlled me and I hated it, as well as like I mentioned I felt I'd gotten stronger through therapy and began to see him for what he really was, which in reality was someone much more needy and immature than I thought he was. But I have doubts that I made the right decision, he truly loved me and would have done anything for me. Especially feeling as lonely as I do at the moment, it's almost like: why couldn't that have been enough for me? But I just fell out of love with him.

That sounds like a useful thing to try.. listing the facts rather than listening to depressive thoughts. It's just hard to see things clearly when your head gets in this state! I need someone like your friend just to help me snap out of it lol

[JulesK]

Yep. That's it exactly for me. I often wish that part of my mind came with an off switch, because it is hard to hold two conversations (internal and external) at once. And yes, I still don't know how many of my life choices were me vs. the depression. But what I learned to do in therapy (Cognitive Behavioral) is to challenge my inner critic (me??) to back up the negative thoughts with proof. I guess you turn a monologue into a dialogue? An example, my husband and I go camping with this group of great people. I of course feel certain they all can't stand me. So I tend to sit and read during the outings. The last time we went out I was feeling exceptionally withdrawn, so my husband dropped a few hints, gave up and around to say Hi by himself. When he came back he said "Everyone's asking after you."

And I thought ... (you guessed it) "No they aren't." BUT, then I thought about what it meant if that were true:
1. My husband was lying to me. Well, he can't lie. As in, he's no good at it so he rarely, rarely bends the truth and he turns bright red when he does. He was not bright red. Therefore he was not lying.
2. A whole bunch of people were lying to him. Why? Maybe one person might do it, but why would EVERYONE he spoke go to the trouble of asking where I was if they didn't care? That would make them loonier than I am. So that didn't stand.
3. They were being insincere. But then I thought of the other outings where people gave me big hugs when they saw me and wanted to know what was going on with me and so on. So, that was bogus reasoning as well.
4. Calling everyone, even your husband, a liar is a pretty horrible thing to do, isn't it? Yes.
5. Can I read minds? No.
6. OK, then shut up.

OK, so then it was negative thoughts about my appearance but by that point I was sick of arguing (and we were camping, not dining at a 4-star restaurant), so I got up and went to say hi. Yeah it stinks having to do all of that extra work just to say hi to people I've known for a couple of years, but it beat upsetting myself and my husband and my fellow campers. Plus, good practice for the next time!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that part of my mind (the depressed part) isn't much for conversation or debate. It just says whatever thing that will maximize my misery and since it is me, it is excellent at that part. But it is pretty lousy in a straight debate, and the rest of me can debate until people run off screaming. I just have to remember to do it.