Wanting To Connect with others again

[Needafriend]

I get so lonely these days. Feel so isolated from people. Scared of them, afraid that they haven't reached this deep dark place of isolation & depression crawling into myself.

I just need to feel at ease in life & like people care. I do have a small few that do care. They are my current boyfriend, my friend Kristy & well my parents. Specifically my dad, cuz I get along better with him. However, I have decided to not bother them with my problems anymore because they have mentioned that they are sick of it. I don't blame them. It can be draining.

Often in life I feel like a small child still. Like I haven't fully grown up. In my case, this is very probable only because I was adopted into a family that ended up abusing me. My mother was barely there & when she was it was constant physical/emotional abuse. My mind likes to block it out & dismiss it ever happend, but that's only so I can stay numb like this & not feel the pain overwhelm me.

Most days I have to distract myself to sleep. The only way I can get to bed is by writing and writing in journals and talking to as many people/expressing my feelings in as many resources as possible.

A thought came to my mind tonight: I constantly see life in a negative view where I tend to think that the whole point of life is for sadness, pain & death. It's as though I have ignored the most important or underlying gift of life & that is the happy moments that can & do exist. I need to push myself to start to see the glass half full, not half empty.

I just want the best out of life and for me, that means finding people to connect with. Connecting with humans. I connect with animals just fine. I just have a hard time connecting with my own kind. That is frustrating, because I feel like my own kind has evolved sooo much more than I have. I feel sometimes like everyone else is stronger, smarter, more mentally stable, & emotionally calm.