Gradually Imploding

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shatteredhopes
Posts: 664
Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
Location: U.S.

Gradually Imploding

Postby shatteredhopes » Wed Jun 13, 2012 5:09 pm

So my roof in the back part of my house is near collapse. I need to get the house cleaned and get rid of a ton of trash (bit of a hoarder I'm afraid) so I can try and sell the darn thing before it collapses and gets condemned. If that happens I have no ways to pay off my debt and still pay rent on a crappy apartment in a not so good part of town so I'll have to file for bankruptcy. Days are filled with indifference, anxiety, bouts of crying, paralysis from depression and the ptsd and the events of the last 8 years. My roof is like a metaphor for my life, gradually imploding over time and I don't know how its going to end up, but either way, its not good.

Being poor sucks. Being so ill you cannot even maintain a stupid little volunteer job sucks. The only thing I manage to do consistently is help my elderly disabled mother and I feel obligated to go on living miserable as life is just so I can get her groceries and take her to the doctor and the hair dresser and such. I am so ready for my life to be over. I pray for death daily to whatever God there might be because I am tired of existing.

I used to live to make a difference. While in some cases one person can make a big difference, in most of my efforts I have failed. I can only have a small impact maybe offering an encouraging word to someone who has a life that is not beyond repair or helping my mother.

I'm tired, so tired. I hate this world so much. There are some good people and good or enjoyable things but they are far and few between all the evil and hatred and senseless suffering and brutality and uggggghhhhh.

I get worse and worse as time goes by and I cannot think of a single thing that would make existence worthwhile or give hope again. Bad things are ahead....losing my home one way or another and even if I sell it I take a huge loss and will be lucky just to get out from under mountain of debt; my mom will not live forever; I will have to move into a crappy apartment in a not so nice section of town and will never own a home again and always have to live with the insecurity of renting with rising rates while my income rarely increases and only a bit if it does; ssdi is running out of money and my income may be cut by 21% in the future; I don't know how if ever I could work again; and so on and so on and blah blah blah it makes no difference.

I'm just tired of it all.
"Sorrow floats" John Irving

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