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Me, without all of these masks I have made

Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 3:22 pm
by Ryaninatree
Does anyone else go through life everyday wondering what is so fu**ed up. Is it me or is it the world? Many people have told me that I am F-d up in the head but those same people lie to themselves about what is right and wrong so why would I trust there opinion. I am constantly evaluating everything within me and around me to find the answer to this question. One day I think it is the world that is f-d up but then I am bothered to think how has everyone adapted so well and I have not. The next day i think it is me with some skewed perspective on what is reality. I am so tired of this. Why can't i just be normal. Ha that was funny-what the hell is normal and who decides. Normal is following the herd without any questions, without any free will. I CAN NOT DO THAT. I guess that just means I will never be "Normal". What I believe the world considers as normal is being selfishly devoted to pleasures and treasures upon yourself. How in the hell has this ever become what is normal. I just don't understand. I swear at any given moment-I can just cry. God I miss being young when I was ignorant to the truth. I had my own belief of what the world was. After many years of revelations there is no way i can hide or be ignorant to the truth now. So I have to find a way to live with it and I just don't know how. Go to counseling, take my meds, Fu** it! It wont be enough till they can put me on enough pills that I would be so mindless that I could live a happy life. I'm not gonna do that.

So on another note-i recently started dating this girl named Celina. A friend of mine has been wanting to set me up with her for 2 yrs now. 2 yrs ago we were going to be introduced but Celina had recently started seeing someone and so did I. We both got our hearts broken. Maybe that is a good thing and maybe its not. Time will tell i guess. We are both so scared to get hurt again that the relationship is a little strange. I am so scared that I don't know if this is right. I have developed a new mask. I have told her a little about my depression but not a whole lot and I am scared that if she knew the truth she might not want to pursue anything with me. I don't know what to do. I know I should tell her the whole truth but I keep thinking maybe she can help me be happy. I know this isnt right to rely on her. The bad thing is that I have expectations of her and it isnt quite fair to her. Everything is going ok to this point but i just fear every next day with her because of myself. Is something gonna scare me and set me off possibly causing me to hurt her. I hope not. My brain is scrambled eggs right now.

Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 3:38 pm
by Emotional_77

Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 3:49 pm
by Ryaninatree
(((((((((Emotional 77)))))))))))

Thanks hun, needed that alot!

Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 8:07 pm
by Emotional_77
anytime, you deserve it. I wish you the very best with Celina, tell me how it goes. :D