Depression Understood Forums

And I'm not so happy. A strange quiet dullness has wrapped itself around my soul. I can feel sadness waiting for the trigger to be pulled, so it may spring forward with unleashed force. Without an appetite, I skip breakfast for fear of losing it. I'm moving through my daily routines: Rise, dress for work, go to work, come home and face the wrath, go to sleep. I'm so tired. I couldn't sleep right the night before. The afternoon prior to last night left me hurting. I just want to scream with my eyes shut tight. Everyone who looks at me can't see it. They just don't know how hard it is to pretend I'm okay. I am bothersome. I confided in some only to have my words thrown back in my face. My feelings are shattered and foreign.

I know its like an echo, because I can hear it repeatedly in my head. Every breath carries with it one more reason why I'm not wanted. I hate myself. I hate who I am. I hate that I'm not perfect. I hate how I am treated. I hate myself...

I don't want to go to work. I will see people I can't bring myself to face. I will have to dodge angry customers who tell me how stupid I am for something I have no control over. My bosses will overwhelm me with work that can't all be done in 8 hours. They are most likely upset with me already because I had to leave early the day before. I don't want to lose my job, but I don't want to be there either. I don't want to cope. I keep falling back down that hill, dangling on the edge of a black abyss. If only I could scream, but I feel so defeated.

Is it worth getting up now? Is every pain filled second worth enduring? I know what every day brings. I know because it is an endless cycle. The same thing happens and I'm always left too numb to even talk. I need to be freed from this depression. I need a day worth living. It would be all the better if I could smile from my dead heart for once and not be hovering on the edge of tears.

Hi, (((( RenaMoon ))))!
Your description of how you feel is very close to how I felt when I was at my lowest a year or so ago. And, how I still feel quite often, even now, if I'm honest.
And, I'm painfully aware that I don't have all the answers, all too few of them in fact.
However, I am better than I was a year ago. And I can tell you that going from where I was then and feeling very much as your post describes all the time, I have reached a time when I do have " good days " as well as " bad days ". However low I feel, and however often I still feel that low, I do have days that make me grateful to be alive, and I have hope that I will have more such days.
I have no reason to believe that I am any stronger, braver, wiser or in any way " better " than you are. So, if I can " fumble my way back from the edge ", I have every reason to be confident that you CAN, in truth, do so also...
" Is it worth getting up now? " I would say that it STILL is. A consultant psychiatrist once told me that " recovery " from depression was about making small, gradual changes, not sudden, great leaps. Slowly building a new, firm foundation, not making sudden, exhausting " grabs " at " quick fixes. "
For example, when, I was feeling at my lowest I was given a small notebook, and every day I would write a few things about the following day that I could look forward to and enjoy, in however small a way. Things like watching Veronica Mars on E4 at 11:00 AM, then going to a favourite cafe for a nice meal, or going to a library and browsing in the history section. I'm a huge Doctor Who fan, so when the BBC started showing trailers for Torchwood: Children of Earth, I knew that I wanted to see it and find out what would happen in that story. I re-read my collection of Astro City comics, the stories are so much rooted in the characters' thoughts and feelings, they made me feel less alone, and the knowledge that I could still actually enjoy something was reassuring to me.
I'm also very uncomfortable in my job, I suspect in some ways for the same reasons you describe. However, I now make a point of noting to myself the good things that can still happen to me at work. For example, a colleague of mine at work was doing a fairly radical " spring clean ", and he very kindly gave me a couple of dozen Doctor Who and Torchwood books that he'd read and didn't need any more. So, when I feel particularly down I start reading one, and starting a new story makes me feel better about my future, in however small a way.
I'm not minimising how bad you feel, I really, truly am not. But, I do know, from my own actual, personal experience, that things CAN get better, at least a little, however slowly. I am getting gradually better at learning how to go about " sunbathing in the rain. " And, I hope and trust that that you can too...